Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy UPDATE: Teacher disciplining disability AGAIN

Wow - reliving this vicariously really has given me a knot in my stomach. I'm so sorry you and your DS have to deal with this.

How explicit were the recommendations for accommodations? I know you don't have an IEP or 504 in place yet and this meeting concerns me. I hope they aren't planning to fight against one. In K the school refused to even consider testing DD saying over and over (and over and over...) "She'd never qualify for services - she's too smart." They were willing to offer things like slant boards for writing but *only* if they could be used by other kids in the class as well. They refused any accommodations without an IEP or 504 and refused to do anything to allow her to be eligible for one. All of this despite my OT report documenting a very real fine motor deficit.

If you are comfortable with the psych I might go the route of a telephone conversation with her tomorrow. See what her perspective was on this meeting. If it looks like the dismissiveness is going to be the accepted response on the part of the teacher you are going to have a battle. You may need to bring in a professional advocate. You may need a letter from your pediatrician authorizing home bound tutoring if they can't meet his needs appropriately in school. I'm sorry to say that you may be in for a serious fight. It is just NOT OK for him to work to the point of pain, and beyond, without the school being willing to accommodate his needs. It just isn't. You are going to have to find a way to get them to understand that.

Sorry I can't be more hopeful. I am looking at this through the lens of my own experience. It was one strong willed ally, in the form of a school psych from our home district, who saw through the mess of denial and refusal at the inter-district magnet. All the good will in the world went out the window at our local school once we crossed paths with the principal who was totally toxic. I don't know your players so I don't know how your experience will unfold. I can only advise you to be prepared to act if you feel this goes beyond "not meeting his needs" and enters "he is being hurt."

Good luck.

I like Zen Scanner's suggestion of pointing out what actually causes learned helplessness.

I think one of the most useful things that I have ever read, in helping understand the disconnect that can happen between school and home with a 2E kid, is Grinity's comment to "Never underestimate the power of a gifted parent (mother) to scaffold and support their 2E child". Sometimes this manifests as mum being unaware of just how much she does to support the child and baffled by why there are problems at school with her child who is "perfectly ok" at home. Sometimes this manifests as the child you KNOW needs help, but school just thinks you have taught them "learned helplessness" (harumph) by extending their strengths and supporting their weaknesses before they started school. Contemplating this can be very helpful in understanding what the situation looks like to the school and thus (hopefully) help you tackle things the right way to get what your child needs.

It's also probably important to get some perspective on the fact that to some degree the first years of school for a very 2E child are going to be about the other Es. This doesn't mean the giftedness should be ignored, or that it's even remotely ok to punish for the disability. But reality is that far more time will be spent really getting a handle on what the disability means, and re-mediating what can be re-mediated than anything else. And as the child becomes more skilled at "doing school" despite their issues, and using their accommodations, and school really starts to get to know them you should (hopefully) eventually start to see them working closer to their gifted level, but it's not likely to happen in K, or probably even 1 or 2.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. ...

I am really struggling here. He is a mess. I've seen how bad this can get for him through an awful gifted school experience last year.

My MIL (who is a K teacher) and I are really feeling we need him out of that classroom.

All of their "complaints" related to his disabilities and really both teachers were very nervous when they spoke.

But he IS being hurt. I have another 3 pages of written work he was given for homework... 40 math problems (add and subtract, draw "math mountains") plus ten words to write to practice for spelling (words like "a" and "the").

He is edging close to that breaking point.

And he brought home a "book" they made in class where each child said what they would learn to do in first grade. Those of you who read about the library incident will recognize what my child wrote trying to please his teacher: In first grade I will "learn to come to school with a smile".

I have been following this and just wanted to say how sorry I was for what you are having to go through for your son. There is no one who will advocate for him like a parent can so you are doing the right thing.

If you pull him out what is your plan? Would you homeschool? Would your mom be able to help? How is he at home?

Happily:

There is absolutely NO reason he has to do inappropriate homework. I would send it back with a note explaining that it was an inappropriate assignment given his disabilities. They can modify it appropriately or they can excuse him from the assignment. Period. You do not have to be compliant.

Please let him benefit from my DD's experience - do not allow him to get to his breaking point. If you are comfortable sending him back to school while you try to work it out with the psych then try to give him parameters. i.e. If your hand starts to hurt I want you to stop writing. Don't worry about having your color changed - you are not going to be in any trouble. Just tell me about it when you come home for lunch and I will take care of it. Just do your best and don't worry about getting in any trouble.

If you send the homework in undone, perhaps along with a note asking the teacher to call you *immediately* if your DS does anything that does not meet with her approval you will be making clear that you WILL be involved. If despite this he is still pushed beyond what his disability will allow, penalized for his disability or otherwise treated in what you consider an inappropriate manner then pull him. You may need an advocate or lawyer or the district may blink and step in. Your magic words will likely be "Americans with Disabilities Act." At this point that will probably have more weight than FAPE, IDEA, etc.

MoN takes a much more conciliatory approach in these matters than I do. If she is saying that she would have pulled her own child in these circumstances I would take that very seriously. She is very, very wise in how she handles these situations.

I don't have enough time right now to post - will post tomorrow but just want to say my eyes literally welled up reading his "learn to come to school with a smile." My DS and I really can relate and our hearts are breaking for you both. I tho k you've been great advice but I will read and post more tomorrow. I'm not a very religious person but I am going to pray for you guys b/c this is really upsetting me - my heart hurts for you both.

This is beautifully put by MON.

I'm so sorry that you didn't get a favourable response. It sounds like your child is being taught by a team of sadists. I only have four-letter words floating through my mind in response to your son's teachers and administrators.

Irena-- that one is still making me cry when I think of it. It's just so abusive.

Okay tried to take HK's advice and sleep on it but I couldn't sleep so I typed most of this at 1am and slept a few hours and then finished up.

I've never really written up a meeting in detail like this but I really want the disrespect and lack of support for his disabilities documented. There is evidence here of his need for both proper acceleration and support.

So again please don't quote this (I will remove later) but how does this sound? The heading includes location, date, time and those attending with their titles. Can I improve any of this?

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Introductions were made and copies of DS’ testing results from the previous week on the WISC, WIAT, and WJ were passed around the room.

Mrs. PRINCIPAL asked if Dr. TESTER would be speaking with the teachers to get their perspective. She also explained that the first weeks of school are a time for teachers to get to know their students, establish routines, and assess placement. She stated that we were now reaching the time when those things were in place and reading groups would begin.

Mrs. DISTRICT asked in which Fountas and Pinnell level DS had been placed. Mrs. ME stated that on the Raz-kids website he was listed as K-L.

Mrs. ME expressed concern about her son’s anxiety about school and his physical symptoms of diarrhea and cramping every day before school. She also shared his frustration with having to work so hard to complete material he had mastered several years earlier. She went on to say that he needed something new to learn to be motivated to work with his disabilities.

Mrs. TEACHER said that DS often complained of pain and would not complete his work. She also stated that he was not exemplifying First Grade Skills giving the example that when told to get crayons and scissors for a task, he instead wanted to talk with her about something else, as well as the fact that he was not lining up and entering school with his class in the morning like the other students.

Mrs. TEACHER stated that DS was fine at school and not showing signs of anxiety in her class. Mrs. PRINCIPAL asked if DS needed to come home for lunch. Mrs. ME said this was the only way he was making it through his day and relieving his stress with school. Mrs. PRINCIPAL asked if having a job in the morning would help DS deal with the anxiety and separation issues he experienced at arrival. Mrs. ME thought that would be motivational, especially if “heavy work” were involved as heavy work has been therapeutic and calming for DS. Mrs. PRINCIPAL said she would arrange to begin giving DS a morning job. Mrs. ME asked to receive details of the job to promote excitement about it at home.

Mrs. MATH and Mrs. TEACHER expressed frustration that DS needed assistance to complete his work and was unable to work independently. Both teachers expressed concern about being responsible to say he had completed skills relying on standardized testing instead of individually testing him themselves.

Mrs. DISTRICT suggested DS be encouraged that he needs to show what he knows.

Mrs. MATH stated that DS never contributed to the daily discussion of strategies for single digit addition and subtraction. She also said he would not name a strategy when asked orally. Mrs. ME suggested that it is sometimes hard for a child who has moved well beyond that skill to explain how he did simple addition. Mrs. MATH objected to that suggestion saying that she had other students who could multiply or divide who could answer what strategy they used to add.

Mrs. MATH further shared that she was having problems with DS completing written work in class saying that he named his disability and told her he could not do the math writing she assigned. She expressed concern that this behavior was showing ”learned helplessness” to which Mrs. TEACHER expressed her agreement.

She further complained that he made noises that were distracting and stuck his pencils through his glasses. Mrs. ME mentioned that this was consistent with his ADHD. Mrs. MATH stated that DS needed to understand that it was a privilege for him to be allowed to attend her class.

The meeting ended abruptly as we ran out of time. Mrs ME thanked everyone for their participation in trying to help DS be able to have a more normal school day.
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It was exactly 30 min long and only the last 20 included the teachers.

I do have one more thing to add... teacher claimed she was "using all 8 of the suggestions" from his OT (there are 9)but her other discussion made it clear the only ones she was using (other than preferential seating were items we sent in from home...one of which--water bottle--she made him leave in his backpack in the hall limiting access to it.)

OK, others have responded better than I could, but...
Why the heck can't a kid have a water bottle at his desk? My kids are at two different elementary schools and all teachers allow this. I know that is minor, but it just seems to exemplify a total unwillingness to be flexible.

Her reason was the bottle was "too sweaty".