Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy UPDATE: Teacher disciplining disability AGAIN

LOL, Polar. This is perfect.

I have never brought baked goods either. My feeling is: this is a professional environment. I don't bring doughnuts to meetings at work; I shouldn't need to do that at school either, where everyone is a professional.

I do thank everyone and shake everyone's hand, I name explicitly a good thing they've done whenever possible, and I try to keep it all cordial even when the going is hard. I think that's sufficient.... usually.

DeeDee

ETA: Polar, I also PMed you about something unrelated...

I'm guessing you don't have to deal with IT staff much.

+1 Zen Scanner

If you want something done by an engineer, bring donuts! If they have celiac, they'll trade them for favors of their own with other staff members.

Hint: they don't have to be home baked.

Our last round through the IEP meeting, I brought sandwiches (vegetarian and non, since my son's teacher was vegetarian), brownies and fruits. Since the meeting had been scheduled right after school ended on a short day I knew that only the admins and the psychologist would have had a chance to grab any food.

I wanted to send the message that we had all the time in the world to hammer out the perfect plan .

It worked. The leftovers went to the staff room. Like hospital workers and IT techs, teachers (as a group) always like finding something edible when they come in the break room. Because there will always be at least one who has had to skip lunch to deal with an emergency...

Good luck HappilyMom.

Oh, and that box of tissues... Ugh!
And apparently it is a sign of being normal: http://www.disabilityandrepresentation.com/2012/10/21/making-a-mockery-of-disability/
Or whatever.

Grinity had a few posts on the right way to use tears to help with advocacy. Me, when I get emotional, I go straight to blind rage. Harnessing it to productive effect is tough. Congrats Pemberley on channeling your exasperation well!

I just read this and my blood pressure is going up. My child, now 15, had similar issues and we had been told it was hypotonia, then dyspraxia, then finally a connective tissue disorder--Marfan Syndrome. I have been posting on teachers.net the last several days about getting accommodations without a diagnosis after I had friends tell me that homeschooling was just a choice and that I could have kept my son in public school because you can get an IEP and accommodations for just about anything.

You might want to read what teachers on that board told me.

Well, I know more about the playing field.

Main teacher is a total piece of work. She made mocking faces while she explained how he was always complaining that something hurt and that he doesn't have "expected first grade skills". When asked for an example, she said he wanted to talk to her instead of get his scissors and crayons when given a task.

Principal said, "so is this psychologist going to talk to the teachers and find out their perspective?". And also backpedaled and politicked.

Math Teacher (grade above and former gifted teacher) complained that he made noises and told her he couldn't write, needed lots of hand holding or personal attention to get anything done.

Gifted Coord. said little other than encourage him to show what he knows.

I got a rush on my numbers (WISC, WIAT, SB) and gave them to the psychologist. All the others took a look and teachers sort of scoffed at them and flipped them aside. Math teach said you can show all these reports that say he is doing all these advanced things but he won't show it in my class (they have done various ways to single digit add/subtract for 2.5 wks so far with whole pages of problems front and back every single day).

I talked about the physical symptoms and anxiety and referred to his disabilities each time an issue was raised.

Both teachers say he is showing learned helplessness saying he can't do things in their class.

Math teacher complained about him not being able to answer strategies to add single digit numbers. I talked about how hard it was to go back several years... math teacher cut me off saying, "Nope, nope. I have other kids who can multiple and divide and they can answer..."

And that's about it. Time was up. Psychologist made solid eye contact and said, we'll talk soon in a sort of comforting way.

Lori please share what you have.

I have to figure out how to type it up in a very straight forward way. I think they sounded a little ugly and defensive in the meeting but don't want to write a "colored" account with my own perceptions.

I'd sleep on it.

Then try to take the approach that you are acting as a "court recorder" as you mentally walk back through everything you can recall about the meeting.

It sounds as though there are two problems:

a) your son's disability is unfamiliar to the teachers (and possibly the administrators)

b) your DS is perhaps about typical in terms of agemates and maturity-- yes? Well, then, they may be expecting a level of MATURITY which isn't really appropriate for his asynchrony-- and that is a separate thing from his disability. That's gifted asynchrony.

Finally-- is it possible that your DS is behaving in ways that are exacerbating the latter problem? It sounds plausible from the comments you reported-- "making noises" and out-of-turn talking, or the proposed "learned helplessness" strike me as possible red flags indicating frustration with behaviors that teachers are seeing as disruptive. I can see how a student who needs to conduct most work orally, and is accustomed to doing so, could seem "immature" or even "needy" to a classroom teacher who is also trying to meet the needs of 20 or 30 other young students.

That doesn't make it right to dismiss very real limitations and accommodations that they demand-- of course. But it might help to try perspective-taking before writing, so that you can cultivate a non-accusatory tone in the writing. Ask yourself WHY they are seeing your child in this way, assuming that they are rational professionals, and not trolls who live under a bridge and seek to harm children and parents at every opportunity. (It is at least somewhat more probable that the former is the case, here, right?)

Okay-- then write it ALL out. ALL of it.

Now revise and remove emotional content-- use Wrightslaw's Letter to a Stranger if you need help there.

Trim things up so that only really awful/discriminatory or somehow actionable items (proposed changes, judgments about ability or appropriateness) are left; because that is what you want highlighted in your letter of understanding.


How can you help them to see BEYOND what they currently think? That's what you have to do AFTER you have that letter of understanding written. Now read it again, and ask yourself if anything is going to interfere with that ultimate goal.

At least you learned what you're up against. Right?

Good job keeping your cool in that meeting.

Learned helplessness? How insulting! The classic experiment involves repeated pain that cannot be escaped until the animal gives up and sees itself as being unable to control its situation. Sounds like the teacher intends to teach learned helplessness by compelling him to continue to experience pain when he has communicated that he hurts and requested appropriate accomodations. Personally, I would be compelled to school her on that point.

Beyond hoping the psychologist has her stuff together and you have an ally to work with, I got no non-violent suggestions.