Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Emotional OE & "innocuous" triggers

Thanks so much everyone for letting me volley this question to you. I'm trying to be as comforting as possible and I wanted to see if my approach passed your smell test. Your commiseration and kind comments are heartwarming.

I really like knute's suggestion to reveal the ending and then work through the story to understand how the tension was resolved. I think DS easily gets swept up in the momentum of the story and is heavily immersed in perspective-taking while we read. He often animates his toys with his own thoughts and feelings (e.g. "Excavator is bothered by that noise", "Monkey prefers to drink almond milk"), and I'm seeing him take on the persona of characters in the books as we read.

For instance, in a storybook we read about robots yesterday, DS became upset when a robot was kidnapped by a silly mad scientist. He (DS) said, "I don't like that. I'm scared." So, the concerns range from the more remote and scary, like being kidnapped, someone special going missing, or parent-child separation, to the more quotidian, like not being able to get out of the bath tub. He definitely doesn't have the maturity to assess the probability of remote tragedies.

One thing I've been trying to do is turn scary moments into funny offshoots of the story. So, for the bathtub, I asked DS if he thought Paddington would be upset to be stuck in a big vat of marmalade (ala Winnie the Pooh getting stuck in the honey tree). What if he had a trapeeze and could swing out of the tub? Or what if he overfilled the tub then floated out of it? Then I act out these scenarios, sometimes I draw a picture of the silly alternative ending, etc. Let's just call my visual and dramatic arts skills somewhat subpar.

And re: tearjerker books, my top-3 avoidables are "The Velveteen Rabbit", "Love You Forever", and "The Giving Tree". Those are way too poignant to be read with dry eyes. I don't remember the end of "House at Pooh Corner" well, though I do remember finding it sad as a child. I have my fair share of emotional OE.

Oh yes. DS, now 3.9 has been like this for as long as I can rememeber. Countless books we couldn't read because they made him so upset. Could be anything from a car getting stuck in the mud to someone looking angry. Ds would feel so sorry for the car that he started crying telling me to put the book away. Always wondering why someone is looking angry or sad, getting very involved.

It does get better. An example. There was a book we used to read that was about different animals saying goodnight to their babies. The last page was a human boy laying in bed. DS might have been 15 months at the time and started to cry even before I had flipped to that page, anticipating. I never understood WHY that picture made him so upset. Fast forward to about a month ago. I found the book showed it to DS. He immediately smiled and said "Remember how I used to think that boy was crying!" So more that 2 years later he still remembered the feelings and finally, I got the answer to WHY he had been so upset.

Not to say that it all goers away with age. He is still super emotional but can express it so well now since he understands his feelings better. I think they just learn to DEAL.

I'm sure I've told the story here before, but my DD was completely devastated/horrified by The Giving Tree when read it in preschool. Hysterical sobbing. I actually hate that book.

Your quote: If he's really quite upset, we stop the book and I flip to the end to help him see how the conflict resolves.

This works when a child is still very young, but eventually you'll find that they will need to develop a "thicker skin" no matter how sensitive they are. That means making them wait through the story no matter how concerned they are.

When your child enters school and is confronted with bigger kids who tell him we are on the verge of a nuclear war, how will he cope?

Just something to think about for his future. It's our responsibility to slowly "de-sensitize" our kids so that they aren't under a "red alert" constantly.

P.S. My son (6.5) still cries over the video that teaches Stranger Danger. We DON'T let him watch any news. I know when he begins school next week and is mixed in with other big kids (non-graded charter), he's going to be in for a tough time. I wish we had more time to help him acclimate to our unstable world.

**hugs**

So true. One would think watching Charlotte's Web would be a positive experience.

Not so true...especially when one lives on a farm/ranch where butchering of animals is reality.

I told DH that DS may one day declare himself a vegetarian/Vegan. He was less than thrilled, but who cares? Whatever works for DS is okay with me.

If Charlotte's Web was upsetting then my diagnosis is that the kid needs more bacon and egg breakfasts j/k LOL

If there is one that thing that I have seen bring vegetarians 'back into the Light' it is bacon. Good homemade pancetta is even better

Bacon is a gateway meat.

My DD8 first saw Dumbledore die at 5 and didn't bat an eyelash. DW was a different story...

What has been so helpful with our DD has always been drawing distinctions between "real" and "fantasy." At 22 mos she was constantly asking, "Is that real?" If we said no, awesome.

Then there was that time she caught DW and I discussing the Sandy Hook shooting...

My evil older brothers upon discovering we were having pork chops for dinner after we had just watched Charlotte's Web:

"Look! It's Wilbur!"

(cue me running sobbing from the room)

Ok, but Charlotte's Web really is upsetting because of Charlotte! DH says he was traumatized by that and refused to let DD read it yet. I didn't read it until I was much older, though I was in a play of it. Apparently this is a thing, as several other people told me the book busted them up as kids--though I don't understand--just like people being terrified of the flying monkeys in Wizard of Oz.

DD's thing is knowing characters are making a mistake or about to find something out. The tension is too much for her. DS, too. There's no hide and seek in our home, and she'll never want to watch shows like The Office (I can't either!).

More on topic, I think it's great that at 22mo he can speak up when it upsets him. My friend's daughter is clearly gifted and incredibly sensitive to stories, movies, even instrumental music. But she's growing out of it slowly but surely over the years. My DD definitely has grown out of some of it too; I think the feeling are so big but the experiences still so limited, it's hard to manage. After they learn more about narrative patterns and the world it's easier for them. But I did very carefully select materials for my very young kids! Some books are really scary or nasty, but there are great gentle ones too.