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Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 116
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OP
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Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 116 |
Thank you so much everyone for the wonderful advice. We definitely need it! The most comforting is knowing that we are not the only ones dealing with this!! We are trying very hard to just stick with our decisions (no means no). The problem is she goes crazy screaming, ect... So we are choosing to ignore the fits & stick with our decisions.
I worry that as our first child we are being too strict with her, but with our experience with her the more lenient we are the worse she acts. My mom says she was so strict with my older sister and they still don't have a great relationship, same with DH's older sister and her mom. But I really think the things she is doing requires time-outs or time-outs until she's willing to clean it (after she on purpose drops a spoonful of food on the floor for example).
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond!! I think I'm going to read the reviews for the books suggested and pick one to buy. Thanks again!
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,035
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,035 |
There is one thing though - don't start a fight if you really don't care.
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Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 313
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Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 313 |
Walk away if she's safe (deprive her of an audience This It does work!
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Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 313
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Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 313 |
Honestly, the 'choice' thing seemed to make it worse, because it offered the tantalizing reward of... engagement with her competitor. En garde, if you will. Only I didn't recognize it. I agree as well. When I gave DS 2 choices - A & B, and he was asking what about C? What about D? What about a variation of A? What about a variation of B?
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 329
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 329 |
But I really think the things she is doing requires time-outs or time-outs until she's willing to clean it (after she on purpose drops a spoonful of food on the floor for example). I'll also offer a follow up-- if this happened more than once, I think there would be a consequence. But I think it's OK to just say "please don't do that," and clean it up yourself. Not every mistake (purposeful or not) requires a punishment.
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Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 251
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Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 251 |
There is one thing though - don't start a fight if you really don't care. Absolutely this! A second idea is that sometimes wording makes a difference. My son hates time out and will fight it to the end, but if you tell him he is losing the privilege to do something as a result of a bad action... But can earn the ability to do something by sitting quietly in one spot without moving until the clock says XYZ, he is happy. Odd but true - phrase as punishment, unbearable, challenge with regaining something, fine. Worth mentioning the time out cool down is needed here because the bad action is almost always a result of too hungry, tired, or sensory overload that we need him to just be calm for a moment so we can address the underlying issue.
Last edited by SAHM; 08/21/13 04:40 PM.
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 741
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 741 |
I would second a re-phrasing.
Our DS absolutely "freaks out" if dad says they are going to have a "conversation". But if you tell him you want to "talk about" an issue, he's okay.
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 429
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 429 |
Our DS absolutely "freaks out" if dad says they are going to have a "conversation". But if you tell him you want to "talk about" an issue, he's okay. ha! us, too - only instead of "talk about it" my key words are, "long story short..." because apparently i was long-winded and BORING, according to DD5 (then about 3.) and she had a point - she always knows what she's done, so why should i waste my breath! 
Every Sunday it brooded and lay on the floor. Inconveniently close to the drawing-room door.
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 882
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 882 |
I am looking for a full-time preschool for DD at the moment just so I can fantasize about the possibility that someone else has to deal with her oppositional behaviors instead of me.
I hope she grows out of this stage sooner than later because if she doesn't then we'll need to find a boarding school for her.
Meanwhile, I need to keep calm and:
do yoga
knit on
meditate
lock myself in the bathroom and cry before I really lose it
I know my DD needs to be able to count on me being an unflappable rock in her life and I'm trying. I can feel in my gut that how we handle her right now would affect her personality development greatly but it's so hard when they seem to be 3, 6, and 13 all at the same time.
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Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 251
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Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 251 |
I am looking for a full-time preschool for DD at the moment just so I can fantasize about the possibility that someone else has to deal with her oppositional behaviors instead of me.
I hope she grows out of this stage sooner than later because if she doesn't then we'll need to find a boarding school for her.
Meanwhile, I need to keep calm and:
do yoga
knit on
meditate
lock myself in the bathroom and cry before I really lose it
I know my DD needs to be able to count on me being an unflappable rock in her life and I'm trying. I can feel in my gut that how we handle her right now would affect her personality development greatly but it's so hard when they seem to be 3, 6, and 13 all at the same time. Actually, I don't think she really needs an unflappable rock, just a human parent who loves her. I struggle with this a lot. I am trying to convince myself it is okay for my son to see me struggle and get frustrated by his behavior. I do my best not to blow my top. I try to tell myself that I am modeling for him how to deal with challenges related to those we love... I want him to understand that personal attacks are never ok, that adults don't respond physically, and that it is important sometimes to breathe and calm down before responding. When he is a teen, I am desperately hoping he doesn't hide from me when he is upset with me -- even though there are many times I really just want to hide in the bathroom... I think all of us here are just trying to do our best and love our kids deeply. I think it is ok for them to see a little that emotions are another of life's challenges, especially with loved ones...
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