Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Friendships

Well-stated, Zen Scanner. This is something that my DH (an extravert) has a great deal of difficulty understanding about my DD and myself.

Ahh... I appreciate the clarification- maybe not bullied and excluded, so much as introverted? I can appreciate being an introverted, dreamy kid- I was one myself.

I think you just have to gauge whether she seems happy or of there is some lagging skill that is holding her back from friendships.

With your DD, being both introverted and gifted, it's likely that she finds her own thoughts more fascinating than what is going on at recess. She may have a low tolerance for exhausting personalities and playground politics, so opts out. She may decide she wants more friends and will need to change her habits- but if it were me I would eat her discover that on her own. She'll make friends when it becomes important to her- and you can support her with how to go about it.

Sorry, no advice. just sympathy.

My ds had a miserable time in k. I wasn't sure what to do. I was in constant communication with the teacher about his lack of challenge. I did mention how he felt like he had no friends. Apparently, he was friendly and talkative at school. What I did not learn till summer was a boy was bullying him.

Before this year started, he said, "you know I had no friends last year." This year, ds is saying he's lonely. He does like a couple boys, but I'm not sure what they think. He plays alone at recess, because "everyone has other friends". I know he wants friends.

Interestingly, he plays fine in the neighborhood and interacts well at swim team. I think he does feel different and is very sensitive. I will say that I did arm ds with games for swim meets which helped. Usually he reads to kids- which soon is not gonna be cool. It is hard to watch him struggle with this.

Will be following this thread.

Re the kid she decided not to be friends with because she was too bossy and manipulative - does the kid understand this or does she think your dd is being mean and excluding her? And with the younger neighbour kid who you say your dd has a friendship of convenience so she can control the games - is that kid going to turn round in 6 months and stop playing with you dd is being bossy and manipulative.

Also the birthday parties. My son has 24 kids in the class - no way can i do a party for 24, 12 of them are boys - can't do that either. He has about 6 people he has known for years to invite so he can invite 2 or 3 kids from his class that is all. However unlike a lot of other parents i don't let him take invitations to school and i encourage him not to talk about who is coming. One person i know let he son hand out invitations at school to every boy in the class bar one (what was she thinking?). I've heard parents say they think their kid is being mean but it is up to the kid (um no).

My son's school has a party invite policy: No passing out invitations unless everyone in the class gets one.

I don't know if the kid understands this, the kid's mom does though. Quite honestly I don't blame my dd if she chooses to not be this girl's friend anymore if she is telling my dd that she has to go down a 150 foot water slide with her or she won't be her friend anymore. Then keep bothering my dd about it for more than an hour. (FWIW my dd has sensory issues and couldn't actually even step foot in water parks/splash parks until she was 6, so there is no way she's going down a water slide.) I'm not sure what you mean by excluding this girl, b/c my dd doesn't play with anybody else so she isn't excluding her from anything. She just prefers to not play with her for things that I don't consider unreasonable.

To be clear I didn't say my dd likes to manipulate her younger neighbor friend. I said "it's a friendship of convenience" for her b/c the little girl just follows her lead and tolerates my dd's 'playing style'. My dd can be a bit overwhelming in the sense that she is a big planner. For instance, they decide to play store, it's not just "hey let's play store", instead it's: let's draw a layout of the store, let's make a list of what we'll sell, let's make receipts and fake money, let's plan/write down what we're going to say, etc, etc. She plays like this nearly every time (at home anyway, not sure about at school) and not many of the kids around, older sister included, have the patience for this. It seems as though dd enjoys the planning and thinking about how the play is gonna happen more than actually playing. If this little girl decides to stop playing with my dd b/c of this I'm not going to force her to play with my dd.

As for the birthday parties, the majority of the parties I found out through the grapevine through other parents. It just happens to come out, i.e. "Oh, are you guys going to A's birthday this weekend, can you drive my kiddo?" I don't expect kids to invite my dd to their party out of pity or be forced to. I was just expressing sadness about more reminders of how my dd's lack of friends is apparent.

I came to this board with this problem looking for fellow parents of gifted children who may have similar concerns with their kids. I was hoping for advice or tips from others who have BTDT. Your post didn't come across as very supportive but, you know, it's the internet and things can be misconstrued so I'm maybe it's just me.

I reread and no it didn't sorry about that. I have been where your daughter is except I tolerated the crap - it didn't occur to me it shouldn't be that way.

One thing i have worked out recently (it took me a long time) is that what offends me is different than what offends nearly everybody else. I can be dreadfully upset when the personally genuinely didn't mean anything (as in ignorance rather than malice) but also upset people because i commented on the elephant standing in the middle of the room.

I do think with parties it is mean to leave a few people out which is why i prefer to invite mostly non school people and relatives and i would not let my son leave people out like that. I think it is better to invite 2 out of 24 than 20 out of 24.

It also may be that the other kids your daughters age aren't what she needs as friends. If she is happy to wait for the right person maybe just give her lots of opportunities to meet new people.

I didn't mean to offend as such just to point out that sometimes you can explain to someone what it is they do that upsets you and solve the problem. Now if i could only follow my own advice better because i tend to just walk away and it really doesn't work well.

My mantra for the year is "most offence is caused by ignorance or carelessness not malice"

Mountainmom2011, you may already be familiar with this piece by Miraca Gross on the different types of fulfillment sought by children in friendships. Hope it's helpful.

http://www.sengifted.org/archives/a...t-gifted-children-look-for-in-friendship

Your last post rang minor alarm bells for me about girls with aspergers - it was the "more interested in setting up play than the actual playing", particularly in combination with wanting to play her games her way... I have a girl with Aspergers and she doesn't play "normally" and it has caused some problems.

On the other hand, my 2nd daughter is most definitely not on the spectrum but is deeply introverted and absolutely fits the pattern of many introverted kids mentioned above - she has quite good social skills if she can be bothered using them, she likes people, she'd like to have friends, but she's not remotely going to play with people or play games that don't interest her at all, she'd much rather go and play alone and enjoy her own world. She CAN play cooperatively, she can play lots of different ways, with lots of different kids, but she WON'T play with just anyone doing just anything for the sake of having company. She's clearly one for a few high quality friends or solitude...

I read it that way too. There is a difference (and a hard one to sort out sometimes) between people who are introverts with usable social skills, and those who cover up for social skills deficits using introversion as a way of not interacting.

Mountain, there are a few things in your description that sounded like your DD doesn't have the skills to play the way other kids do. Controlling others' play is something we often see in kids with Asperger's.

Obviously, it's not diagnostic-- just one thing to consider.

DeeDee