Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Please Help - very strong headed

when the bean was this age, we did a lot of the stuff mentioned above, but the thing that has really stuck (she's now 5) is sticking to the rule, "you must comply in the moment, but you're welcome to voice your concern afterward or add your grievance to the family Round Table agenda."

and good luck! it's such a hard time...

Another parent of a child who never threw this stage (yet) here. All 3 of my kids went through the stage, but my youngest went through it in the most intense way and is still struggle with that need to control at age 9. We eventually saw that for her, part of it is personality, another part anxiety, and a third part is a learning challenge. We were able to see some signs of anxiety at three, but there was nothing then that clued us in to the challenge that would ompact her in school, and to be honest we are still working to understand what's behind it and how it impacts her.

Chances are you have a very intense and totally typically developing bright 3 year old, and if you just hang on for the ride, things will get better within the next year and this will turn out to be a phase. If it turns out not to be just.a phase, or if your gut feeling is telling you it's somethng more, you are still most likely going to need to hang on and ride it out for awhile as she grows and you have opportunities to see how she behaves in different situations. In either event, paying close attention to triggers and continuing to try everything you can to diffuse the situations is the thing to do - whether it's a phase or something more.

FWIW, with our dd, nothing really "worked" for years, but detaching as a parent - walking away, ignoring, not engaging wthi dd until she was calm and acting respectfully -that was the strategy that was most useful for us.

Best Wishes,

polarbear

Right around 3 our DD8 was quite the little negotiator, but what was surprising was how constructively she did so at times. We were always really good at explaining why she couldn't do certain things, and sometimes she'd propose an alternative solution that met our requirements and got her what we wanted, and it was like, "Wow. What a great solution. Why didn't we think of that?"

By that time, DW and I had laid a lot of groundwork that paid off... DD already felt empowered to make certain decisions on her own (what to wear, what to eat, activities, etc.), and DW and I had endlessly coordinated our responses on everything, so consistency was already there. So, we didn't have issues to the extreme that you're having them... but we still had them.

One thing that helped at that stage was to discuss the idea of rights and privileges. Sometimes we granted DD privileges, which she enjoyed, but we could take away at any time. She earned them through good behavior. For particularly good behavior, extra rewards were often done... trip to the park, beach, etc.

For misbehavior, she lost privileges. At three, losing bedtime stories was the default punishment, because that was something she cared very deeply about. Late at night, well after the issue had passed, she'd ask for her stories, as if nothing had happened. This was another test, so it was no time to bend... no stories means no stories.

Another test she liked to do was the something-now-for-something-later deal. For instance, she might ask to stay up a half hour later, and offer up her stories in exchange. Since I would have been reading to her for over half an hour, this still gets her to bed on time, so it's a deal I'd accept. Then I'd put her to bed, and she'd demand her stories. No dice.

Apart from privileges, we explained how she enjoyed rights, things that her parents absolutely could not take away from her at all. This became a useful background for explaining those things for which we simply could not negotiate. "I'm sorry, you can't stay up all night, because we're getting up early tomorrow, and you have a right to good health and a good education, and sleep is an important part of both of those." This framed things in terms of "it's for your own good" in ways she could understand. It was very interesting to watch DD realize that these things were born of something other than our dictatorial whims.

Also, it led to one of the creepiest fascinations for a 3yo, because she wanted to know all about prison.

We're in the assertion of autonomy with ferocity ring with you. Unless he's peaked, DS3.5 responds well to earning and maintaining his freedom (to make choices to e.g. do, wear, go, eat what he wants within reason) by exhibiting responsibility and care, and making good choices. It's a nice celebration when he yells "Yay Freedom!" He also responds well to explanations for negatives. I try to think of it like giving him a blank card, he's going to try to fill it up. I hope that providing him with the reasons for decisions will help him to develop greater appreciation (and doing so helps me stick whatever the decision is - regardless of how loud or persistent the rebuttal). If I give a wiggle, he'll take a wiggle or two.
With you in mind for the ride GHS.

You've had loads of good advice already, but I just want to add: be sure that you aren't offering choices or compromises mainly in response to conflict. The time that's effective (and for us it was key, I think - he needed to know that his opinions counted) was when he was being sweet! We'd have discussions about whether it would be best to do X or Y - I tried usually to make it his opinion that counted, but also not to set it up as an artificial situation, iyswim. I felt it was a good thing to be less rather than more flexible when he was being uncooperative, so that it was clear he'd catch more flies with honey! But also, I tried to make extra time for reconnection on bad days; a long cuddle often helped a lot.

Hang in there!

ETA noone's yet mentioned How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, but I strongly recommend it. None of it's rocket science, but it's a quick read with memory-jogging cartoons! Two things I used a lot that I don't think I'd have done as well without it:

- in conflict-type situations, say it with a word. Fine, if an explanation is needed, you give it - once. After it's been given, or you're sure it's not necessary, don't get into wordy stuff again. E.g. "Shoes!" rather than "come on, you really need to put your shoes on or we're going to be late blah blah blah". Much easier to keep the focus where it needs to be and your tone cheerful.

- Grant wishes in fantasy. This one is so not my style, but there were times when it really helped. E.g. "yes, wouldn't it be great if it were your birthday tomorrow? Where would you like to have your party? What would you hope to get?" To my surprise, honestly, far from this fuelling his desire for something impossible, it often was just what was needed. I suppose it's a form of feelings validation: even when you can't give them what they want - and they often know that perfectly well! - it helps to acknowledge that they want it.

I think sometimes in the midst of this it is easy to forget that they are still so little and to forget how far a cuddle can go. I do believe that the desire to behave for us stems from the strength of the attachment. I feel for you, because I have one where Dude's approach was effective. And I have one where it is not...and time-outs just also do not work for some kids. (I didn't believe that until the arrival of my youngest)
Try the book Transforming the Difficult Child.

3 is the pits.

This is an excellent point, and one that I often struggle with. Running with the desire sometimes really avoids the tantrum, as long as you don't accidentally imply that it's actually going to happen. (Answering "I wanna go to the movies" with "what do you want to see?" is not a good idea. "Wow, that would be fun, wouldn't it? Maybe we can do that on the weekend / for your birthday / for someone else's birthday / etc. What would you want to see if we went? What do you think the story is going to be for Despicable Me 2 when it comes out? Hey, why don't we draw a storyboard with your ideas?" can totally derail the whole tantrum.) The problem I have with this is that it can suck up a lot of time when you're just trying to get out the door in the morning.

We do this, too, and it really diffuses situations! My dd, at around 3, actually taught me to do this. She said she wanted to do something, and I started to tell her no, and she said, "I know, mom, but I want to talk about it!" So I said, "yeah, that would be fun to go to the zoo, wouldn't it. What would you ride on the carousel?" (or whatever). I still do this with her, and she feels validated even when she can't get her way.

I have one of those too. Not much advice just sympathy. Although with the bath thing, pull out the plug and leave the room (unless there is a chance of her turning on the hot tap).