Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Voice Control in a Perfectionist

Perhaps it's hereditary (I have difficulty with tone), but my son has a problem with controlling his voice inflection at at times.

Or maybe it's just his age, I don't know. He's 6.5 and usually does well with his "tone of voice" in day-to-day interactions with two exceptions.

One, is annoying, but I've put the halt to it in such a way that I have seen some results. Not saying he doesn't sometimes slip up, but he's progressed. I'm speaking of the old "command" when asking a parent (or other) to get something.

Second, and the one I'm writing about, is the whiny "cry-baby" voice he uses when he's been shown his answer on a question is incorrect. Or he can't figure something out and needs help. It is driving me up the wall and I keep reminding him to control his voice, but he seems unable to remember. When I point it out, he makes a visible effort to get his voice under control, but his tearing up doesn't help.

I know this is part of his perfectionism, but nonetheless, he needs to learn voice control!

How do I teach this?

Some of you may remember my post from last year speaking of his upset during class and his teacher questioning my husband about his alleged severity concerning our son. DS is hard on himself and she didn't understand that.

But I can see the new teacher this coming year having the same reaction. She's going to think DS' parents are strict perfectionists and that is where he's getting this. (Or am I over thinking this? My mom tells me I worry about other people's reactions too much!)

Briefly: We typically tell ours to "say that sweetly" (if he's using a harsh/controlling voice). Or "calm" (if overly weepy/upset). And then we wait for them to say it over, correctly, as we would if they had mispronounced something. We don't make a fuss, we just correct and move on. It does improve over time...

DeeDee

I think as described the voice is a symptom, controlling the voice doesn't make so much sense to me as working at the root. DS will have affectations and we address those directly. When he's had poor emotional reactions to feedback, we discuss what would work better for him and try to frame the discussion in terms of achieving the best outcome together where he doesn't end up in a funk. If he has a bad emotional reaction to criticism the last thing he needs is more criticism that can spire into a feedback loop which sets up litle anxiety traps.

DD did a baby talk voice for seriously years. It got REALLY bad for a year so we got strict and just said "no baby talk" every single time and it's finally better. Before it was a total habit so she didn't even realize she was doing it. I'm sure it had to do with being kind of shy about things--yes, perfectionism. I think being challenged a fair amount in school and learning explicitly about speaking at school and in scouts helped. But she has started snotty voice now--we ask for respectful tone. And yes commanding and intense weepy freak out. We are working on talking breaths, on gratitude and empathy... All things she's good at but the dramatic voices continue. She's just really into trying on voices so we explain how much it affects (admittedly OE) DH and me, and remind her to use a respectful voice when actually addressing us, and use the others when playing all she wants. Lately it's been more her British accent :p

We say "I can't hear the moany voice" and refuse to respond to anything said in that tone. Works well enough!

But clearly the real problem here is the perfectionism. I've always done lots of talking about how hard-enough work that you can't do it immediately is necessary, and e.g. asked cheerfully after school whether anything was "interestingly tricky" and sounded disappointed if not, etc. Lately, reading Dweck and discussing it.

I agree with Zen Scanner.

Completely normal for that age, regardless of giftedness or perfectionism... it seems to peter out around age 8-10...

I'm clinging to that hope!

Love the interestingly tricky question! I hope it does fade away because DS2.5 is already affecting a baby voice in imitation of beloved big sister, and I think DH and I are extra frustrated because our kids can talk in sentences at one, and then choose to speak in a manner than makes us work incrediy hard to understand!