Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Overprotective or reasonable avoidance?

My children have various allergies and have had a few reactions when they were younger. For example for DD, physical contact with a nut will result in significant swelling but I don't think that she will get a reaction from just breathing the air in a room containing a nut. For DS, eating cheap (such as Easter novelty rather than the major brands) chocolate made on the same equipment used for nuts can result in projectile vomiting. On the one hand, both DH and I eat and keep nuts (as well as other foods to which they are allergic) at home and it has been their responsibility since about age 7 to protect themselves. I felt that this was a better approach since they do have to watch out for themselves at school and other places outside our home. They are farily careful and vigilant so far. However, I recently refused permission for DD to a sleepover (from evening to the next afternoon) partly because I was concerned about the allergy issue and partly because I didn't know the parents well. Was this unreasonable given DD is now 10.

I'd think it was entirely reasonable without the food allergy situation. With it, I think it would be probably a bit... er... lax to allow it without more information.

I understand your reasoning - my dd11 used to be both airborne and contact allergic, and she's had anaphylactic reactions. OTOH, we,let her go to sleepovers when she had the chance too - if we'd kept her home she would have resented it, and for her it was a big part of having a normal childhood.

The truth is she had very few sleepover invitations compared to her younger sister even though she had legions of friends and was extremely popular, and I sadly suspect it is because other parents were scared of being responsible for her with alleriges and/or didn't want to have to bother with doing something different for food. When she was invited, we simply checked with the host family and let them know what was and wasn't ok around her, and made sure they knew how to use an epipen.

The one thing I would absolutely NOT do is use the allergies as an excuse to your dd if the real reason is simply not being comfortable in general with the hosting parents for some other reason. In that case I think it's best just to tell your dd she can't go because you don't know the family well enough.

Best wishes,

polarbear

Neither of my two have allergies, but they don't get to go to sleepovers where I don't know the parents and feel comfortable with them.

I hear you - it's just that it's sometimes difficult when I am bumping up against societal norms. All the other invited girls went and they have all been in the same classes for years and attended each other's birthday parties, etc. Obviously, we would have discussed the allergy situation with the other parents before letting her go.

You have hit the nail on the head - those are precisely my considerations and it is a balancing act. I try to be honest and it really is far more an issue of the allergy than the hosting parents. Were it not for the allergies, I would probably have let her go. I recognize that I tend to be more paranoid than average about other parents and it would have been harder for DD to accept that reason.

I hear you. It's less clear-cut for us where we have met the parents a number of times and I can't say that I actually don't feel comfortable with them. It's just that I didn't hit it off with these parents like some of the other parents so we haven't email, phone, etc. except for party invitations.

I know this is difficult - but I wonder if it would help to look at it from how the children are seeing it? I'm guessing (and it's just a guess) that it doesn't really register in a big way with the other kids, even though it might feel like a big thing to your dd. My dd has a friend who's mom will not send her dd to other children's houses for sleepovers due to dust and pet allergies, and she's also (the mom) very particular about worries about other parents. When there are birthday parties that have sleepovers etc she'll send her dd for the day-part of the party and then pick her up before bedtime. My dd and her friends really don't think anything of it - they understand she's not staying because her mom doesn't let her do sleepovers and that's the entire extent of all they ever think about it. They still love having her as a friend

polarbear

Fortunately, DD, while disappointed at not being able to go, was not obviously upset. I take that as a good sign as she doesn't hesitate to dramatize her emotional upset in other instances.