Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Teaching resilience

My DS6 had been having trouble "controlling" his emotions at school. His teacher, Mrs F, feels he cries too much from nothing. He has cried three times in six months. I think that is pretty normal. Yesterday, he cried because he didn't want to read aloud to her, because he didn't want to talk. He broke down and couldn't stop crying. The thing that bothers me is that he loves to read to his tutor, his teacher from last year, and at home- it's just Mrs F that he hates reading to. I am also aware of her being very critical, though, she is not mean; she is just very picky, and I know she often tells my son how to talk, eg. "Talk louder and clearer. Sit up straight and hold your head up"...etc. He really does not like her, but I don't think he knows what that emotion is because he's never not liked someone before. And you should see how excited he is when the "fun" substitute teacher is there.

I have seen how she is with other kids crying and she is incredibly cold, and tries to use shaming: "Stop crying now, everyone is looking at you". She never asks if the child is okay. (Many reasons why I don't like her is because she doesn't think my son is gifted; lies about telling the principal that she feels he has no empathy or social ability; mocks the idea of my son excelling at his tutor lessons; tells me he is no more intelligent than any other kid in her class because all the grade one kids can do the grade one work, and sometimes DS doesn't want to do it; he isn't sociable because he doesn't get along with every kid in his class; and tells me in front of my son that he has "melt downs")

Anyway, my son doesn't want to go to school now. Well, he actually wants to change schools. So, how do I teach him to put up with her? Especially when I am having trouble putting up with her! I don't want to harden him up for the world, but I don't want him to run away from an insufferable, incompetent, unsympathetic teacher...

Honestly I don't think putting a 6-year-old with an "insufferable, incompetent, unsympathetic teacher" every day, all day, all year long is going to teach him resilience. Just think about how may hours of his life he's spending with this person- like it or not, she has a lot of influence over him. If you think the influence is more bad than good, I would take him out of the class.

If he were a teen my advice would be different, particularly because by high school he'd likely only have to endure a bad teacher for one hour a day.

And just for perspective my 6 year old probably cries three times an hour so three in six months is nothing.

Thanks for your reply, W'sMama. I would love to take my son out of class, but what if his next teacher is as bad, or worse? I feel he needs to learn to deal with difficult people.

I have found an article that may help others in a similar situation:

http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10241.aspx

I am collecting articles/resources to show my son's principal the next time she says the whole "your-son-can't-grade-skip-because-of-social-issues" nonsense. Although I think the principal is getting fed bad information.

learning to deal with difficult people, yes but not at the cost of hiding his feelings inside all the time. From what I've seen and read, gifted kids seem to be very sensitive. My kids are super sensitive too. I don't see any shame in crying. From their point of view, the world is coming to an end, wouldn't you be crying if it was your last day on Earth?

I agree, and I definitely encourage expressing feelings. My son has never really been a crier, though. He is very sensitive and caring, but doesn't really cry. It has only been since this teacher that he has started. I think she thinks boys shouldn't cry. She told me she encourages him to write out his feelings if he doesn't want to talk (because he literally can't talk because he is crying so hard), but I believe that is after she has already been cold with him. I have seen how she treats the other kids, so I can't imagine she would treat mine any differently.

I have told my son that it is okay to cry and express feelings. I have suggested that, perhaps, before crying when he feels the start of a sad emotion to say that he feels sad and why. I have no idea, really, of what to do or say.

I agree-- this isn't about resilience.

It's about learning to deal with difficult people, all right. But think very carefully about the message that you're sending here, before deciding that this is something that you want your child to become stoic about.

When a person is toxic, (in general or just to us personally), is the answer "find a way to tolerate this situation"? Or is it "find a way to make this stop"? Or is it "know your own inner self well enough to recognize your limits as a human being-- and call a halt before it gets to 'damaging' in a major way"?

I'd argue that what most parents would LIKE for their child is the latter. Teaching them the first of those options in a setting where the toxic person has power over them is really teaching them to tolerate abuse, at least potentially.

I'm not suggesting that this teacher is being abusive-- just that stripping a child of his/her ability to express authentic feelings of distress is probably not a good way to handle it from a long-term perspective.

Learning to deal with difficult people also means learning when to walk away. That is a valid option, ultimately, between adults. We may not like the consequences of walking away, occasionally, but it is an option. The only setting which is comparable for an adult is... well, incarceration.

This isn't a situation that allows any empowerment for your child-- so it isn't really one that allows for the lesson of "choosing" or "learning" a variety of coping strategies for actively/assertively altering the nature of the interpersonal dynamic between himself and the teacher, per se. More like developing a tolerance for conduct that he essentially finds intolerable.

What if this were a peer? Think about the difference in strategic coaching you'd be offering there-- and WHY that isn't an option in dealing with the teacher instead. Consider the dynamic in light of the power imbalance that is inherent in the situation.

Yes, I agree. I definitely teach my son to be assertive- and he is with peers and adults. I suppose because it is a teacher, I am cautious to not have my son being appearingly disrespectful. The teacher is not a horrible person, just an old, old-fashioned person. I am very wary of these life lessons and I don't want to teach my son to tolerate bullies; but I feel stuck. My state is very intolerable to giftedness, but this school is great for the gifted- once they're in grade three. It's just this one teacher...

My son is such a lovely, little pleasant person that it just kills me to hear her say these things. His previous teacher described him as a "perfect student"- why is his current teacher being so unreasonable?? Why is she trying to destroy his love of learning? She can see his decline since being in her class, yet is still trying to put the blame on him. I don't understand how a.grown woman can act like this.

Yes.

Also, consider the age. It's one thing for a child to learn that sometimes he will have to learn how to work around and with difficult people, but I wonder at what age, they're really equipped to do this.

Our ds11 had an old, old fashioned teacher for part of fourth grade, and her standards were very high, but she always made sure to explain to ds that she knew he was capable of high quality work and she praised his efforts when deserved. She was strict but not abusive, and she treated everyone the same. She didn't single ds out, or anyone else out. I would try to get a sense from talking with the other parents, if your child is getting singled out, or if she intentionally humiliates. If this is the case, considering the tender age, I would ask for a different teacher.

The fact that your son wants to change schools would be a red flag for me.

I also want to add...crying is healthy, and the fact that your ds is sensitive is an asset. But society will be cruel, often unknowingly, and attempt to crush that sensitivity, by giving him the message there's something wrong with him. Thank goodness he has you to set him right. We need our sensitive children and the world needs them, whether the world fully "gets it" or not.

You do realize that she probably is doing what she thinks is effective/necessary, right? A hysterical crying fit in the classroom is disruptive, if you look at it from her perspective as a teacher, and a gentle reminder that "you're not the only person in the room" is maybe not entirely out of line. I wouldn't say that such a thing is necessarily "shaming" so much as "look around you-- you are preventing anyone else from learning right now, too," or a kindly-meant reminder of the child's surroundings. I simply do not know, but I do know that there is a huge grey area between "unconditionally loving and warm" and "cold and judgmental."

I'm going to ask you a pair of questions here that may seem offensive, and that truly isn't how I mean them. I'm going to mention it anyway because I have to keep myself in check in this same domain, and I'm trying to offer you ways to get a handle on the situation.

Is there ANY possibility-- ANY-- that your DS is picking up on your feelings, statements, etc. regarding this teacher? Even if you don't think it within the realm of possibility-- do consider it. I might ask someone else who knows you whether or not you "give off" any kind of vibe about this teacher. Her style seems very much at odds with your own parenting philosophy.

ANY possibility that he is being inflexible and refusing to try things her way? Maybe because he feels that he has your tacit permission to do that (see above question)?


Does your DS tend to be pretty flexible otherwise, or only when others tend to flex to meet HIM, or when their behavior meets somewhat narrow expectations? What range of interpersonal communication does he find acceptable? Is it pretty diverse? Dependent upon a "warm and nurturing" style (which is very clearly what he is accustomed to from home)?

Unless this is a teacher who is problematic for some percentage of families, the odds are reasonably good that part of this is a stylistic difference. I am getting the impression that you're framing this as "good/bad." Some gifted children are incredibly adept at picking up on our internal framing of things, and it's possible that this is a component of the situation as it stands. More on that later.

I still think this doesn't sound much like an emotional regulation problem in light of what you've posted... but it is probably time to take a hard look at your son's BEHAVIOR-- without any emotional/causative/interpretive labels, I mean-- and ask what others might 'see' in it.

6yo refuses to demonstrate skills or follow directions, cries when pressed for compliance/participation.

What interpretations are possible for that factual set of events?

If nothing else, it will help you in terms of advocacy in the long run to have considered that other adults may be thinking X, Y, or Z when you are thinking A or B.


It's really not fair as parents to expect that others will see our children the way that we do. They aren't the same people with us that they are with others, to start with-- so it IS possible that the child the teacher sees is not the child that you see at home. You probably already know if your child is highly manipulative, but honestly-- my DD would have been more than capable of manipulation of adults at this age. I say "probably" there because it has taken my DH over 10 years to figure out what I knew about her before she was three. He believes me now, but there were many, many years when NOBODY else saw what I saw in her.

I'm cautious before assuming that her version of events is 100% accurate and complete. It's not that I'd have assumed she (or anyone else) was lying, exactly... just that her desire for avoidance would quite readily lend itself to all kinds of quirky coping mechanisms, some of them almost unthinkably Machiavellian/Stoic/manipulative for a child that age.

My DD is a lovely child with others (mostly). It's only with her intimate friends/family that she demonstrates some of her more appalling conduct. Usually. I also know a handful of children who follow the opposite pattern... which is quite toxic, since those parents legitimately have NO idea what their little angels are like with others. (shudders)

Why did I venture down this path, knowing that it probably comes across as at least somewhat offensive?

Because one really should not assist perfectionist-inclined children in avoiding things they fear/dislike. I've made this mistake, in thinking that I was "rescuing" my DD from situations that she indicated were horribly toxic for her. It wasn't until she tried this with her piano teacher that I cried foul (after all, I'd been witnessing the interaction, and I knew what her teacher was doing/saying to her). At that point, I took a long hard look at how she had been using me as a tool to escape situations that she found more challenging than she liked. She was using ME to shape her environment like the princess and the pea... It wasn't consciously manipulative conduct on her part... but she definitely knew when her dad or I were the least bit uncomfortable with another adult, and she could play that like a Stradivarius by the time she was four or five.

My momma-bear impulses are very strong. Sometimes too strong.

My way isn't the only way... and sometimes it isn't always the "right" way for my DD, either. It's taken me a long time to let go of that, though, and let her learn from other adults, even those that I would find (personally) quite difficult to work with, or with whom I disagree. (I find it hard to let go with adults that I think are too "soft" on my DD, personally.)

Have you asked your DS what he is willing to take ownership of, in his interactions with the teacher? I would definitely do that. If his answer is a sulky denial that he is responsible for his behavior, well, then that isn't accurate, either, right?

He is choosing not to comply with the teacher's instructions. He is capable. (right?) He's refusing, which is a different matter. (This refusal indicates either lack of ability or lack of maturity to other adults, in all likelihood, so he's really not helping you-- and as much as I didn't WANT to do it, I did start letting my DD know when her behavior was getting in the way of my advocacy for her at about this age. IMMV, of course.)

Ask what his behavior is accomplishing, and follow the threads. Why is he willing to pay the "cost" for the behavior? What is the payoff? Why is that a reasonable price in his mind? Is it autonomy? Something else about the classroom environment?



Bottom line:

if she is truly an awful and incompetent teacher, then no reasonable parent would continue sending a 6yo into her care day after day. If that is NOT the case, exactly, then can you find a way to work WITH the teacher so that your DS can, too? If you can't re-frame things in a way that allows for her methods to be "reasonable" and at least neutral in your mind, you're probably better off pulling him, regardless of which of you is "right." Nothing good can come of putting your DS in the middle of that.

(BTDT, by the way.)


Again, my apologies because I strongly suspect that I will have touched a couple of nerves with this post. I'm truly not judging you either way, nor suggesting that your son needs to "toughen up" (my goodness NO). Please know that. I'm very sad for the clear distress this situation is causing both you and your child.

Haha!! Yup. I can relate to both of these observations...