Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School Lack of maturity in a 6 year old boy

My 6 year old gifted boy is highly immature. He is extremely social and tries to make every opportunity he gets with any kid into a playdate. This includes places he goes to daily like his classroom, while walking to school, extra curriculars etc. He is always distracting his peers and asking them to join in on the "fun" stuff he likes to do. For e.g. in his class there are 4 other boys and he has lured them all into playing with legos in the classroom while class is in progress on several occasions - the teacher has a "split class" where she teaches another grade on another side of the classroom and moves back to the K class and while she is gone, all the boys have moved to the lego area because of my son and they have not completed the given task. If he attends his martial arts class, he tries to play tag with all the kids on the floor and gets disciplined for it frequently. My son's teacher sends me notes that he is a distraction and a disruption. She acknowledges that he is gifted and that he is super bored and that he is a superior multitasker who can finish his tasks without completely focusing on what he is doing. She has asked me to send in a work packet from home if I wanted to challenge him as the school does not differentiate until the 2nd grade. And he refuses to work on the packet because it makes him "stand apart" from his friends (his words) - looks like he is trying to blend in and trying to fit in.
I have noticed that the "clowning around" is largely an effort on his part to make himself likable and to blend in.
I want him to be more mature and focused. And also to do things that serve him well instead of trying to blend in and hide his abilities. How does a parent approach such a kid and get through to him?
Thanks in advance.

Does your son complete his work? Are there any types of work he avoids? Does he complete tasks you give him at home?

By getting him into a setting where differentiation is happening less overtly and more inclusively, I'd think.

Otherwise, he's going to keep doing what he's doing. Who wouldn't? It sounds as though he's well-liked by his peers, if not as much appreciated by the adults in charge. Sure, he's that trouble-making kid, but those kinds of kids hold a definite allure for their peers, believe me...

at six, this in and of itself doesn't sound so immature to me. It sounds to me as though he's highly social, maybe a little lonely (no siblings, perhaps? no neighbors to play with at home?) and is well-equipped to solve those problems and alleviate his boredom at the same time.


Wellllllll... this teacher may be the nicest person on earth, but she's asking YOU to do her job for her and to manage a classroom problem.

I wouldn't do it. If she sees that he needs differentiation, then SHE needs to be the one going to bat for him. If she knows what the problem is (and it sounds like she does) then why isn't SHE differentiating work for him in ways that don't make him stand out from his peers? He obviously has great leadership qualities and has a high need to belong to the group.

Thanks for the responses. My son does complete school work - but with less than 100% accuracy (maybe 95% accuracy) because he is very busy socializing - his K class is doing stuff like 5+4=9 while he is doing Singapore Math 2B at home and not even breaking a sweat - he is really bored at school and he is busy thinking up ways to entertain himself and others. At home, he will finish all his work without complaints - but I give him work that is new to him and at a higher grade level.
HowlerKarma, my son is in a public school (a top rated public school, but still a cash strapped california PS where there is no gifted program) and the school district's policy is to differentiate after 1st grade. The teacher does try - by giving him math problems like 15+14 instead of 5+4, which again are boring to him. She is able to give him challenging stuff during the reading groups though because she prints books out for them and is able to print out a higher level book for him which he enjoys.
We are trying to tweak our finances to put him into a private school which challenges him and stimulates him (the cost of such schools in my area is $20K-35K which takes a lot of financial planning for my family) - but, we are trying to "afterschool" in the meantime to keep him adequately challenged. You are right - he does have a need to belong to a group and he has no siblings to play with at home.

Ashley- I don't have advice, but can empathize. My ds in K did the same thing- silly, silly. He was trying to fit in. He would also bring in books on topics the boys would like and read to them. I was told "he was a borderline behavior problem". His teacher knew he knew the material, but failed short in "differentiation". We ended up doing private testing. We took these results to the school and hopefully they are going to work with my son for next year. We'll see.

I will say he's been out of school for a week and the silly behavior is gone. Does seem like your ds needs a more challenging environment. Good luck.

Ashley- Sorry he isn't getting what he needs. I always find it ridiculous when schools say things like we don't differentiate till X grade or we don't offer gifted programs until X. What about kids who need it NOW? Nobody magically transforms into a gifted child at X grade or age.

I will share with you that we approached our school about grade level acceleration to remedy this problem with our child. Grade level acceleration is the least staff/money intensive thing they could do and for us there was no amount of differentiation big enough to bridge the gap reasonably in grade. Redirecting a bored child is a problem for everyone but it isn't developmentally appropriate for most K boys to not get in to the Legos if they are done with their work. (School needs to offer a reasonable environment for him to regulate himself. I know that's fine to say but how do you get them to do so.)

Our school's initial response was that no one had ever done this and it might be socially/emotionally damaging, etc. But I shared our testing and the Iowa Scale of Acceleration and they decided to test 2-3 grade levels ahead. We get the results soon and while moving ahead a grade or two isn't a perfect solution, it meets our child's needs better than our other options at this point.

There are some great threads here and articles over at Hoagiesgifted if you want to read more about acceleration. It really sounds like your son needs at least above grade level work in several subjects. There are lots of people here with experience in doing that in a variety of ways. You are definitely in the right place.

Could you arrange for him to have more playtime with other kids? Maybe that would help.

We signed DS5 up for after school care and he loves it. It is an hour or more on the playground or in a rec. room with other kids.

I am not saying that will be THE solution but maybe it could help.

Ashley, I feel your pain
I am not quite sure whether my child's school gets it either -- on one hand, they say things like "he can read independently", on the other hand, they say things like, "he is not able to maintain focus without redirection". This is a child who reads Enid Blyton, Geronimo Stilton etc for hours at home, without the need for any redirection. I do see what the school is saying -- do the boring work, and then, maybe you can progress to something better.


I completely agree. All of this. Even if the school is saying they cannot differentiate till a particular grade, I think you should continue to ask for it.

Again, agreeing with HK that teacher needs to go to bat for him. This doesn't sound like an immature boy to me, it sounds like a kid who is doing what he can to get through the day without wanting to bang his head on the desk in frustration. I think the no differentiation thing until 2nd is bs and I would be strongly, politely, and in writing, advocating for challenging work for him.

We've been here! And after two years of asking the school to please please please do something, we finally pulled him out (last week!)

DS can be very disruptive and distracting, especially if in a class he's not interested in (e.g. it's stuff he knew a year ago). He is not a people-pleaser in the sense that he won't just "buckle down and do his work" because the teacher asks, but he is more than happy to do something goofy to make the other kids laugh or pay attention to him.

While this sort of behavior was mildly tolerated in his 1st grade class, it got worse and less tolerated in 2nd grade. It resulted in being sent to the office more and more frequently, which had no effect on his behavior, and didn't help him feel good about himself or school.

In my experience, the best way "to get through to him" is through logic and knowledge and allowing DS to try to make the right decisions himself. Telling him to do something generally doesn't work; giving him information so he can make the decision to do something is usually more successful.

I'm not sure what you can do to get the school to do its job. I can understand why your son doesn't want to do the more challenging work packet (we tried the same thing with DS, with almost no success.) Ultimately, after many meetings with his teacher and principal, we decided that school was actually doing more harm than good.

This is probably not an answer you're hoping to hear. I'll be watching this thread for insight myself!