Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion more on "Tiger Mom"...

I don't object based on life experience, but unfortunately, there's a definite social element involved, too. It's a philosophy that everyone could have the same thing if they would just work harder, and that the people who have so much have it because they're more worthy (as viewed through the lenses of genetics and/or religion to varying degrees).

So, since you're somehow "better"... take all you can.

These children get this philosophy from adults, who should know better.

The other day at work I was commenting on how a conversation had gone "tangenital". I will only ever save face on that one by trying it out at a nudist colony.

Nope. I'm really not resentful of the rich, except when they act like jerks. I grew up with a ton of advantages, as did my DH, though to a somewhat lesser degree. I could have a lot more money than I do (upthread, I mentioned how I quit a lucrative advertising job). There is no envy here.

There is a subset of the rich whom I don't want my kid to hang out with, but I suspect they'll probably avoid these people of their own accord. Still, at a few schools there are more of these people, making it trickier. The other issue, which may be more relatable, is that I just think it may be a little alienating to my kids to go somewhere where everyone else has "done Europe" a bunch of times, does a ton of ski weekends, owns second and third homes, has stayed at a lot of 5-star hotels, etc. This isn't what my children are going to come in with. And there's the issue of spending money, as alluded to by others.

Moral derpitude.

While only tangenital to the main thread of conversation, I'm totally keeping that one, ElizabethN.

I don't understand the attitude about rich kids. I have never had issues with the uber rich. I find I dislike the hanger-ons that try to rub something off the uber rich.

And, in my experience, when I was intimidated by conversation that talked about hiring a jet to transport pheasants from Dad's hunting trip, I found those people actually admired me for what I accomplished without the connections. One guy taught me about end caps and price points at a dept store and then took me for lunch and discussed how he was training to collect art. Since he is now in the top 20 of richest men in the world, it was not hard for him to collect art, but he was really nice. And even has a title.

I think it is a little weird, for someone like me, coming from a small midwestern city and you meet the really rich and sometimes famous, when you are young. But if you feel good about yourself, you will be yourself and everyone is accepting.

And kids do not have to travel 1st class to have experiences. First class is definitely better and I would rather stay at the Crillon in Paris than downstream, but it doesn't mean I don't enjoy Paris any less than when I did as a student staying in a hotel with the bathroom 3 floors lower. And makes for a better story.

I attended my nephew's graduation from Yale last year, and my impression is that Yale really isn't like that. He had friends from socioeconomic groups ranging from lower-middle class to extremely rich. Now if a person is quite poor (say bottom 20%), they might have a tougher time at Yale than a State U.

Believe me, if you are that poor, you have a tough time at ANY college. I was one of those students-- you simply lack any experience with the trappings of UMC+ lifestyles, and those things are the social fabric through which your classmates connect and socialize, making new connections through shared past experiences and likes/dislikes.

I had no CLUE what tennis racket I "liked" never having played. I had no idea if I liked caviar, Hawaii, or Europe, nor did I have a spring break preference. KWIM? I couldn't go out to eat or anything because I couldn't afford it. No, not even local coffeeshops.

This was a serious handicap socially. I could either sit out, or lie, and as often as not, I didn't know enough to lie successfully anyway. I did NOT leave college with lifelong friends. I was too busy working full-time to make many, and I was that girl on the sidelines. I have since connected with several people who were in similar straits, and have friends who are also alums. But we all have few "college friends" that we keep up with.

My husband's experience was similar, but for different reasons. He was a city kid who went to a big-league Ag/Science college. Highly regarded, to be sure, and he got a stellar education... but he came out with very few close friends. His classmates had nothing in common with him, and as diverse as his campus (and mine) were, we were still outliers.

Well, I'll add in my own anecdotal experience. I went to a college that most of you would recognize (similar to Reed in feel) but which is not top of the top. I grew up in a UMC environment, but had never been to Europe, Hawaii, etc. I did not own a car and hadn't travelled beyond family vacations to national parks and the beach. I had never been anywhere for spring break. I had an on-campus job my first two years (after that family income went up and I didn't need one) and had limited spending money--maybe like, $20 a week?--saved from my summer jobs. I gravitated towards people like me, socioeconomically--children of professors and scientists. I naturally avoided the prep school kids somehow. This was not actually intentional. I had a few friends who were on a lot of financial aid, but usually this was because they were children of divorce. I had no trouble making friends and had a great time. Consumption was not conspicuous at my school--not considered the thing to do. I would send my kids to a school similar to this and not worry much, even though there were certainly rich kids there and they could fall in with a different crowd. I know people who went to Yale, etc and they report different experiences, but it does seem to be fairly individual. My husband went to a school much like mine but a bit more old-money, and heard some of the "Oh, which part of Europe did you like best?" stuff. FWIW, I would absolutely recommend a "Reed-like" school for gifted kids. There was a real atmosphere of intellectual curiosity there--people were passionate about their interests.

People form social networks in college and sometimes find spouses there, as Princeton graduate Susan Patton recently wrote about. Part of the reason to send my children to an elite college, if they get in, is to meet future members of the elite and children of the current elite. For actual learning there is EPGY .