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We're sort of moving in this direction with DD. There is an additional complexity with her, and perhaps your DD is the same, in that she frequently does not volunteer her actual concerns unless painstakingly and lovingly prodded to do so. Also, she does not usually "look" anxious in the sense that I conceptualize anxiety, which is a child who is shaking, crying, and refusing to approach.

For instance, the other day she was being a royal PITA about an arrangement we had made to switch cars so that she would ride up somewhere with her father and ride back with her grandparents, while her brother did the opposite. She decided she didn't want to do the switch on the way home, and argued our ears off with reasons why this was all right and we should change our plan (her brother did not wish to change the previously arranged plan).I finally got her to tell me what was at the root at this after oh, 15 minutes of angry protestations, but I had to pry it out of her. She had heard an offhand remark, not intended for her, about how her grandfather didn't know the way and didn't have a map, and was therefore worried he would get lost (she hates being lost). Once I was able to adequately reassure her that this was not a concern, no issue remained and she switched cars.

But she DIDN'T TELL ANYONE THAT THIS WAS THE PROBLEM! Instead she aggressively confronted us--I don't want to do the switch, I changed my mind, I'm not going. The behavior looked ODD, or something other than anxiety, anyway. Even when I asked--why don't you want to switch?--she would not initially explain. I had to really work it out of her.

What a lot for you to process, Moomin, although it's more like the other shoe dropping than not knowing a shoe might drop. When we've battled with the school and gone through the testing, I think we're already somewhat prepared for the fact that the news is going to be a mixed bag.

On the bright side, if there are executive functioning issues, they don't seem to be intense enough to deeply dampen her scores. My kiddo's came out so low on one test that the neuropsych tried to tell me I should prepare him for manual labor-type careers - and then wondered why I reacted the way I did.

In all of this, I think the thing I come back to is that she's five and has only had a handful of years on this earth to figure out how to cope with a world that is often very much at odds with the way she thinks and feels and processes information. I think the suggestion for therapies is probably very spot on. And time does have a way of buffering; what may seem insurmountable to you now may be old hat in a few years.

I let my kiddo have a lot of Yellow Bus Fever days when he was in his early years of elementary school (as in the "fever" passed when the yellow bus passed by). While our kids need to be taught routine and responsibility and all those excellent traits kids learn by being in school, sometimes it is just too much to expect kids with 2e issues and who are in a poorly matched environment to cope all day every day. I found when I let him stay home on days that he was overwhelmed, he was able to do better on the days he was there. It can bite you if you don't negotiate agreements, though - I always negotiated a commitment about going the next day if I let him stay. He knew he had to live up to the bargain or the vacation days would end.

We have had similar type incidents in the past with our DS. Fortunately, he will tell me pretty easily but he will not tell others (like school officials for example!) and he would look 'ODD' to them - he's petrified of getting in trouble yet he gets in more trouble not explaining himself! I tell them he is never oppositional without a 'good' (actually usually pretty darn good) reason that may not be immediately obvious to you. I can always get it out of him so call me. He is MUCH better these days and I honestly think it's due to his underlying issues being supported, accommodated, remediated. It's weird the two don't seem related but they are ... The more proper support and proper remediation he gets (fixing his vision, accommodating his writing disability), his anxiety melts away all over - across all aspects, ykwim? Anyway, no real advice just have been there.

ETA: DS does have a anxiety diagnosis

You are so lucky to be able to do this. I really wish I could not work every day so my sons could stay home every now and then. I let my son stay home last time I was sick but obviously that is pretty rare. Oh well.

Actually...I would advise against Waldorf for a child like this. While my kids have not gone to Waldorf schools, I am personally familiar with them and they are rather more dogmatic and rigid than they appear. There is a lot of complex philosophical structure behind the seemingly natural/hippie Waldorf environment, and their basic beliefs are not friendly to an academically oriented young child.

I see this (through my ASD lens, of course) as a blend of anxiety and a perspective-taking glitch. She did not seem to know what information you needed in order to understand how she felt. We have this issue routinely; DS10 is gradually getting better at understanding that certain pieces of information are missing from other people's heads, and that if he offers those, things in his head make more sense to the people around him, but it hasn't been straightforward, and we've had a lot of incidents like this...

DeeDee

No, she knew we didn't know how she felt. She didn't want to admit that she was worried about it because she was embarrassed. She dislikes appearing weak, but doesn't mind other people seeing her as angry. For some reason, she considers anger okay, but fear is something she doesn't want people to know she is feeling.

Ultra, your DD is fascinating...

DeeDee

totally second this. we looked at a Waldorf school for our girl, and practically ran out the door when the principal casually mentioned that children under the age of 7 are only capable of learning through imitation and should be actively discouraged from reading and writing.

er... no.

Ditto what doubtfulguest posted. Our local Waldorfian's were horrified (horrified, I tell ya) that we had forced* our poor sweet little girl to read when she was just four...


*their term, not ours; obviously in their worldview, such a thing was both unnatural and probably even abusive, and CERTAINLY wasn't child-led... This was our signal to RUN.