Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How to handle the judgement?

Hi. I'm feeling especially frustrated today and hoping for a fresh perspective. I have two DDs, one 8yo who I've posted a bit about here, and another who is almost 3. The younger one is really giving me a run for my money these days, very much like her sister did at the same age. She is EXTREMELY stubborn, constantly testing, testing, testing. It's hard enough to deal with her, but when when you add in the judgement and comments from others, I just about lose my mind.
Yesterday as we were leaving preschool, DD had a fit because she wanted to play with another child's backpack. They had a tug-o-war over it, with my DD screaming at the top of her lungs. When we finally settled it and started heading out, another mom commented to me that my DD is getting "mouthy" and "sassy". I'm sure that mom didn't mean to ruin my day, but my day was ruined. I would never comment like that to another parent. I'm doing my very best with a very difficult child. DD is just MORE of everything and other parents mostly don't get it. I just remarked that she's certainly no shrinking violet, and left as quickly as I could.
We have incidents like this all the time and I hate it. I feel like I'm out of control of my parenting. 8yo was like this, too, and it was hard. She did eventually grow out of it and is (mostly) lovely now, but those years of being judged were really tough. Now it looks like younger DD is headed down the same road and I honestly dread it.
Sorry to ramble... Anyone going through something similar?

Hah... my DS is now 9 years old and has been the source of comments/judgements/opinions of strangers since he was a newborn. I suppose I just have thick skin, because it's never bothered me much. When we finally got a PDD-NOS diagnosis, I felt a bit better that his meltdowns and sensitivities weren't the result of something I'd done wrong.

hi Rachel10!

well done on getting out of there with your dignity/temper intact - it sounds like you are perfectly well in control of your parenting to me! all we really have at the end of the day is our own reactions - adults and children alike.

you are responding calmly and appropriately to her big feelings - removing her from situations that are too much, and staying neutral with other parents. as you say, you've been down this road before - and honestly, the judgment of others says more about them than it does about you!

That's the thought you need to grab and hold onto - 99 percent of all the comments other adults make to us as parents aren't meant to be rude or annoying or hurtful, most of the time they are just trying to make conversation - it might have even been this other mom's way of trying to be friendly. I'd venture a guess that another 50% of all the adults who make comments like this are making them because at one point in their own parenting journey they've BTDT and are remembering how tough it is!

I remember the first time my ds through a fit at the store, I just about melted into the cement I was so embarrassed that I couldn't get him to stop screaming! And he was my easy child - child #3 has given me more than a run for the money, and is so stubborn and strong-willed and loud that she's more than a few times made me wonder why the heck no one has reported us to the authorities because she sure *sounds* like she's being tortured when she's having a tantrum over the silliest of little things.

Somewhere along the line I guess my thick-skin set in or I just got so tired from everything else involved in being a parent that I stopped noticing the comments. I'll admit that when another adult looks or says something that feels like it's going to rub me the wrong way when dd's in the middle of a rage, I'll just smile snidely and suggest (out loud) that perhaps *they* can come on over and handle it if they are so much better at controlling children. Honestly, I am really a nice person in real life and I rarely ever ever think anything of these situations and would even way less often say something like that - but every once in awhile it can be very destressing to just say it

Sending you a hug!

polarbear

I think the answer is consistency. If you set firm, consistent, and meaningful cause/consequence relationships and enforce them predictably, your child will eventually learn. Trust yourself.

As to the comments, I'd take them to heart only if they're offered as constructive feedback from a parent whose child has an altercation with your child.

As long as you're sincerely addressing the root cause of the behaviour and doing your best implementing a reasonable approach to correct it, I would let those comments roll off my back. By the time they're parents of 3 year olds, most other parents should have the sense to know that parenting is more art than science. There are inevitable lessons that have to be learned along the way, and that involves some friction.

FWIW, I had to leave a store yesterday while my son (17mo) threw his first public tantrum. He didn't want to stop playing with a toy that I was about to buy him so, after a failed discussion, we didn't buy the toy and left. The fuss almost certainly made others uncomfortable. I received a few glares from people who were clearly sympathetic to my son, but I am confident that my quick reaction sent a strong message to my son about acceptable behaviour. I'm the parent and I determine our standards of comportment, not a bystander.

I am not sure where that mother was coming from in her comments, maybe she was just making conversation or maybe she was frustrated that her daughter had to be a part of your dds skirmish. Either way, it was not the right thing to say. It was rude, judgmental and showed absolutely NO empathy.
It sounds like you are on the right track. Parents who are raising children who are neurotypical have no clue how hard it is to be consistent, patient, and fair when these things happen. We have no control over the reactions of our children. I know that people often gave me the crazy eyes over things my little ones have done. You have a few choices, grow some super thick skin and shrug it off. Develop some lines to toss out when these things happen like. I am trying, it would help if you would say a prayer for us. You could confront that mother and let her know that using names like "mouthy" and "sassy" about your children is unacceptable even if she thinks they are true. Are you planning on being a part of that womans life for long or do you think her children will go to different elementary school from yours?
On the bright side, it does pass and your dc will go on to do great things and amaze all of those naysayers who were certain that you were doing it all wrong! LOL!

Hang in there!

I like daytripper's idea, "I am trying, it would help if you would say a prayer for us." It would take real insensitivity for someone not to respond graciously to that line.

Thank you for all your supportive responses. I'm so happy to have found other parents who get it.

My kids are getting much much much better (8 and 10 now) but back in "the day" I accidentally stumbled on a trick one day (it wasn't really a trick, but...) We were at gymnastics and DS(then 5? ADHD) was being a nutcase (helicopter spins, hiding underneath the trampolines, etc). I told the teachers we were having him assessed, and their reactions switched like night and day. They went from being visibly annoyed by him to being extremely kind and patient. I think most people have the potential to be understanding, but if they have no personal experience with, um, complicated kids, and if your child looks totally typical, well... (sigh).

Because you were clearly aware that there was a problem and that you were obviously trying to address the problem.

It's really, really annoying when it's completely obvious that there is a real problem and the parent is ignoring it.

And I say this as a parent.

Mostly because you look at the kid and say to yourself "this is not going to end well."