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    Joined: Mar 2013
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    then maybe giving her a box with a lid (that must be pruned when too full to hold more) might be your magic bullet? that way, she gets full control, you don't have to think about it anymore and there's a physical limit to how much hangs around? if she stuggles to make choices when the time comes, you can gently help her through by suggesting she sort things into piles of must-keeps, nice-to-haves and why-did-this-thing-ever-matter-to-mes...

    also - it might be productive to chat with her teachers about this issue. they might be wiling to positively reinforce any choice-making she does at school? they might even help her do a pre-sort at school - develop criteria for what's valuable to her (not them! or you!) that might make all of it less overwhelming and reduce the amount she even brings home?

    good luck!!


    Every Sunday it brooded and lay on the floor. Inconveniently close to the drawing-room door.
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    Hi,

    It may be that you and your daughter are different enough that you will end up needing to both feel a little uncomfortable. It sounds like you've been trying to do that on your end, allowing her room to be over-full.

    On one end there are some that consider someone with a spotless desk an uptight neat freak who must have OCD. On the other hand there are those that would consider an adult with a generally messy house who keeps an entire closet stuffed full of mementos such as old ticket stubs, bits of beach glass, a past boyfriend's sweater, etc as hoarding.

    Neither of those people probably really have a disorder, if neither has it interfering with their (own) life. There are enough people with really clear disorders to try to not worry too much about the ones currently on the normal spectrum.

    Being a total non-professional, it doesn't really sound like she has a serious problem currently. But more the very common messy kid who feels attached to all their stuff to the point of feeling like their stuff is an extension of themselves.

    You do have the right to not be extremely mentally uncomfortable in your home (as she does also).

    Perhaps if you sit down and talk you can come to a compromise that will allow you both something. For example that you'll let her have freedom with whatever will fit in her own closet as long as she will put her own clothes away and bring the laundry out and keep the door to it closed so you don't have to see. Or perhaps a different style of compromise is she gets more freedom with keeping her papers etc but she agrees to be much more careful about not leaving items around in the rest of the house where they bother your natural sense of order.

    Personal growth for all through valuing eachother's right to be different. smile


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    I did give her a (relatively large) box with a lid, so we'll see how that goes. I think she will just ask for another.

    I don't see her as actually having a hoarding problem. I see the problem as a manifestation of anxiety issues (she does have an anxiety dx) as well as likely just a personal way of being. It's hard to know which is which sometimes, right?

    I am sooooo not OCD and you should see my closets. They are pretty darn messy. wink I do like order in my workspace, though--I think it's because I will otherwise be distracted by it visually. I can't SEE into the closets. wink But I do agree that some of this is about different personalities. Sometimes I think the universe sent me DD as a learning experience.

    Quote
    also - it might be productive to chat with her teachers about this issue. they might be wiling to positively reinforce any choice-making she does at school? they might even help her do a pre-sort at school - develop criteria for what's valuable to her (not them! or you!) that might make all of it less overwhelming and reduce the amount she even brings home?

    Whta a good idea! I hadn't thought of this.

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    Originally Posted by ultramarina
    I don't see her as actually having a hoarding problem. I see the problem as a manifestation of anxiety issues (she does have an anxiety dx) as well as likely just a personal way of being. It's hard to know which is which sometimes, right?

    To my way of thinking, if nobody has a problem with the mess/objects being in the house, then the hoarding is not a problem-- but the anxiety itself is worth getting a handle on. This kind of anxiety is (in our experience anyhow) the kind that feeds off being indulged, turning into a bigger thing over time. To me, the anxiety seems worth addressing (by working on the anxiety in general and by teaching the skill of throwing something out in particular).

    I am untidy and always have been-- but I am very glad that my parents made me get a handle on my pack-rat anxiety as a kid, because as an adult you have to manage bigger decision-making, some of which is also anxiety-producing. This is an opportunity to build the "I'll decide and it will be okay" muscles.

    DeeDee

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    hee - i know what you mean! our girl asked for a second box the first time the lid wouldn't close - but we just reminded her that the box system is hers to manage - if it's overflowing, or i find things stored elsewhere, they're automatically recycled. she really responds to having control, so i kind of routinely use that against her. wink

    and it is pretty funny how just having a kid will teach you SO fast what you need to learn, isn't it!


    Every Sunday it brooded and lay on the floor. Inconveniently close to the drawing-room door.
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