Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Dr. Ross Greene - Collaborative Problem Solving

The truly challenging thing is that there is no one method that will work with every kid in a single family. You think you have it figured out and pop, new kid, new style required...

This fits with our (EA program) recent Autism training (applies to non-spectrum kids too) that behaviour communicates something. It's not defiance, but rather an effort to communicate a need or want (security, understanding, desire for avoidance or escape, etc etc).

We spent several classes analyzing behaviour: setting events (what the child brings to the situation, like poor sleep, hunger, etc); antecedent or trigger (what sets the behaviour off), function (what the child is trying to achieve with the behaviour) and consequence (did the child get what he/she wanted/needed). Awesome... very useful parenting stuff.

I'm guessing the collaborative problem solving aspect to Ross Greene's approach might be similar? I'm looking forward to reading the book.

Taking a generalization and treating it as axiomatic rarely leads to success.

Sure, a kid might melt down because they can't do what they're being asked. Or:

1) They just think they can't do it.
2) They don't want to do it, and melting down is a deliberate act, because it has been proven to be a useful avoidance strategy in the past.
3) There's a physical problem involved (tired/sick/injured/uncomfortable/etc.).
4) There's a negative emotion involved (fear/anger/boredom/resentment/embarassment/etc.).

And that's just off the top of my head, feel free to add more.

Dude, in each of your examples there would be a counterpoint skill to learn. It isn't the specific thing to be done that is necessarily the skill that needs help.
1) Think they can't do it? = Need better skills at self assessing
2) Avoidance = Skills for coping with doing things one doesn't enjoy; maybe long range perspective
3) Physical problem = better communicate their physical state?
4) Negative emotion = skills in managing emotions

So, my DS7 has problems with choices. He wants an alternative choice to his options, but he can't generate his own list of options. So we are frequently making lists and he adds an additional item that he selects. There different challenging reactions when there aren't choices or if he has to make up his own choice.

We could play blind man's buff, force him to say what he wants and then tell him no if it isn't acceptable. That's a long road to trek, but is one that many neurotypical kids may need to follow. But DS can't easily internalize something without understanding it. So, he needs improved exectuive functioning to help him generate reasonable choices.

Example, deciding on dessert... me "what would you like for dessert?", him "I don't know, what are the choices?" me "Well, you ate your whole dinner and it was fairly healthy, but you had seconds so you probably don't have a lot of room... how about two cookies or a scoop of ice cream?" him "maybe I am kinda full, could I have one cookie and then a piece of gum?" me "Sure, good choice"

I think that fits the concept of "he want to do good, but needs more skills." Maybe it isn't obstinance, maybe it is a very active sort of self-learning on executive function. Without testing his basis of creating an option, the reasoning doesn't sink in for him.

To be fair, Greene admits that his labels are not instructive. "Kids do well if they can" could be renamed "Kids perform only to the limits of their abilities". Communication and problem solving are two of those abilities.

Then the skill they can't do is risk trying, or accurately assess their own skills.
I think this is the one that Ross Greene thinks just doesn't happen. I'm not 100% sure he's right about that, but he has a pretty impressive track record with kids in juvenile detention facilities and other situations where you would think that there would be a reasonable incidence of this.
The the issue is not "can't do it" generally, but "can't do it when I'm tired/sick/injured/uncomfortable," but they still can't do it.
See #3.

Yes, although it's not by any means an unequivocal success. We're still trying to find a way to get her to successfully wash her hair, for instance. It helps me remember that "I don't like having something slimy on my hands" is a real and legitimate complaint, even if it doesn't apply to me, and we have to actually work around it or build the skill to tolerate it, instead of just telling her to do it anyway and expecting instant compliance.

Good to hear. My explosive 9yo has no sense of time and struggles with transitions. Naturally, the transitions from something fun to something not so fun are hard for him and can lead to meltdowns. We try to negotiate a time with him (e.g., 5 more minutes of video games then take a shower) and remind him of that time once or twice.

This is not an ideal approach but seems to work better than being forceful, which leads to a 2-hour argument or meltdown.

BSM, have you tried using a small digital timer, placed where he can see it?

Yes, that helps to some extent but he still stretches everything out. We usually need to remind him once or twice to get him moving.