Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments How do I help my lonely child?

My DS11 is a sensitive soul, and fairness and good behavior have always been important to him, to the point of hurting him socially. He's shy, not assertive, and judgmental of others. He gets offended easily and holds on to those little grudges for a while. That said, he's quite kind to others and tries to reach out. When they ignore him, he feels hurt. Lately, he's been vocal about not wanting to go to school because it's boring and h doesn't have any friends. He even thinks one of his teachers doesn't like him and honestly, he may be right. How do I help him feel better about himself?

Have any of your DC felt lonely in school?

DS tends to exaggerate and so we've always downplayed the offenses and downplayed the fact he doesn't have friends. We point out that various kids do nice things or say nice things. I'm not sure though that tactic is working. Maybe there really is a big problem and we're not facing it.

We went though the very same thing. While it's likely to get better as he gets older, my best advice is when he does find the rare one or two people who he relates to, help to ensure he gets plenty of time with those one or two special friends.

As such children get older, often the school activities help to steer GT kids toward those of similar intellect and sensitivity. I know band / choir did a lot to help in that regard for us. Until that happens, you might seek out activities where others of like sensitivity, fairness, and character might be. If you're a religious person, you church is a good choice, if not, just consider where others of like mind are likely to frequent.

Unfortunately, even among schools with GT programs, those programs often suffer by lack of addressing social / emotional needs of GT children.

I would second Old Dad's advice. Our DD9 is a little peculiar, so some kids don't like being around her, but she's been lucky to find here and there kids who share her sense of humor and who really enjoy being around her (generally . Unfortunately if she is in a situation without at least one of these friends she doesn't enjoy it very much. So we've tried to find such kids and maximize the time she can be around them. When she's not, we've talked a lot with her about how she can be friendly with other kids and what she can do to try to make friends with them--really, *constant* discussion and reinforcement of positive behavior and trying to troubleshoot negative stuff. This has helped and gotten better over time, but there's still a huge difference for her between these different situations. I'm hopeful it will continue to improve for both of our kids. Some other things you might try: homeschooling groups (there are often secular groups, and tend to be some kids who are a little outside the norm); also maybe Boy Scouts (maybe doing tasks together with other kids as a team would help). Good luck!

Maybe start a team--Lego League, Destination Imagination, something that is fun and inspiring-- and stock it with kids who you know will be good team players. Regular teamwork is a great way to build the skill of debugging social situations.

DeeDee

Thank you, Old Dad, Dbat, and DeeDee. These are all good suggestions, and I agree middle school will help with its myriad of after school clubs and activities. He did enjoy Odyssey of the Mind and really felt he was with "his people" then.

For us, one of those outside the school activities at an early age (as I've mentioned in another thread a few month back) was the local gaming store. A lot of very bright, quirky, but really enjoyable kids hung out there playing strategy games. (Yugioh, Magic the Gathering, Mech Warriors, HeroClix, etc.) It was also a good way for our kids to learn to win and lose gracefully. Just an example of looking for activities with those of like mind.

We have that issues sometimes with DD10 as well. For her one outlet we found that I didn't think was going to work was girl scouts. I say I didn't think it was going to work for her because the troop she is in is not really "her type of people". However, she loves it! It is the one group she has been in that she feels like she fits in and can be herself. Have you looked into scouts?