Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Help with a stubborn baby!

We distracted and engaged. We also explained the danger. DD really understood. We tried to create a "yes" environment, so like if you can get a plug cover that goes over a plugged in cord? That kind of thing. So the kids could explore pretty freely. But the bodily frustration thing is hard! Sometimes we did/do distract from that, just for some peace, and normally they get whatever they're shooting for pretty soon. Or come to understand they can work towards it. Good luck!

I gave up distracting with ds2 because as soon as you stopped actively distracting him he went right back to where you left off. All it did was prolong the fuss. If I put him in time out he destroys his room or breaks things. I end up having to just hold on to him until it passes mostly. He is getting slightly better but he still refuses to admit he is wrong, denies doing stuff you actually saw him do (and he saw you see), screams and throws furniture when he doesn't get his own way. Everyone thinks he is completely charming.

He is 4 in May and I suspect he will test higher than ds1 who is at the top end of hg. Honestly some days I don't think I will survive their childhood.

I am at my mum's waiting for our new house to be built, so I don't have as much control around the safety of the house. My mum wants me to be more firm, but I am a "gentle parent", so I use distraction.

But non-dangerous playing is so exhausting. I feel bad that he is frustrated. I am also amazed that this little, tiny human being is soooooo determined! I, too, thinks DS2 will have a higher IQ, if this attitude is any to go by. I don't want to damage his spirit, or any learning gifts. It is purely selfish on my end to end the tantrums. My eldest is so controlled, organised, self-disciplined, and incredibly calm- it takes a lot to upset hi, even as a baby; my baby is exactly the same, except for the aggression, and in all honesty I am scared

Do you think it is possible that once he is capable of physically doing what he wants the tantrums will stop? Or will he be wanting to do what a kid 10 years older is doing?

Not at all selfish. Learning self-control is a very important lesson, and one that is foundational for getting along with others.

In our house, the rule is that if you tantrum for something, you will not have it; it will be put away. Even if it's "good for you" (online math). If you ask sweetly, as long as it's safe, moral, and not a grave inconvenience to anyone, it's likely to be "yes."

I don't think teaching a child to behave damages his spirit. On the contrary, not teaching him to behave sets him up for a lifetime of difficulties. JMO.

DeeDee

I agree with all of this.

Another agree 100%. Teaching a child pro-social behaviors benefits the child more than it benefits the adults. This child is going to be under the supervision of others, and is going to be seeking play dates, soon. Learning pro-social behaviors early ensures that these early social experiences go well (assuming the supervisors/play dates have also developed them).

Perhaps the OP is confusing discipline with authoritarian parenting.

I'm not worried about the "social" aspect of the tantrums; I just don't like seeing him upset. My original question was about hindering his spirit, and being unsure about possible damage being done to distract, rather than letting him naturally continue something he feels is important.

I am not confused about my parenting technique that I have been practising for nearly sevens years No discipline, no authoritarian parenting. I believe in behaving the way you want your child to behave. Giving respect is rewarded with respect. Redirecting or distraction instead of punishment. No rewards, no timeouts. Letting a child be proud of themselves, rather than relying on an adult's validation.

Luckily this isn't a debate on parenting Thanks for the responses, everyone.

good luck. Just remember that all kids are different and sometimes a slightly different angle of approach is needed. I for instance don't just get social stuff I need more explicit instructions. Maybe you need a commentary to go along with your example showing. I think most of them outgrow the aggression but not always automatically and not at the same rate - some need more help.

My son was (and is still) incredibly stubborn and persistent. Distraction rarely worked for us because it just wasn't possible, he's so single-minded. For me, finding ways to safely engage in the desired activity, plus a lot of explaining about why/what is dangerous worked. At about a year, he became obsessed with knives. I'm pretty sure this isn't in any parenting book, but I figured that I'd be better off teaching him the right way to handle a knife because one way or another, he was going to get his hands on one the minute I let my guard down. So I taught him about the handle and the blade, and took the time to carefully supervise him with knives as much as possible until the interest passed. I did the same with other things he was interested in like hammer/nails, outlets, candles, and the microwave. This has helped him accept and respect the few absolute no's (like our gas stove) much better.

He also had a lot of tantrums/getting stuck in a loop at that age because he is such a perfectionist and couldn't do what he wanted. Modeling with stuffed animals helped (he got to be the one to tell his naughty "friends" no or console them for not being able to do something yet or we could teach them how to do something when he wouldn't let me help him).

Now that he's three, I can ask him what he's tried, if it's working, and what else could we try? If he's getting really stuck, I ask, "Is this important to you?" sometimes he says no and it diffuses the situation. If he says yes, then I tell him, "okay, we'll keep trying until we get it as long as you're calm." He does have to ask nicely or there are no results, and if he's spinning out of control then we put the item away.

One and two years old were very hard for us with the desire/skill mismatch, but three has been better.

Thank you, Somerdai, for an answer that suits my parenting. I feel I should let him continue, because it is his strong personality that is there for a purpose. I feel helpless watching him, but I guess it is building his mind.

I'm glad to hear it gets easier; I assumed it would once his body and mind became more levelled. As I mentioned before, my first son had the same determination, but he was so patient; being able to sit for an hour, quietly. It's amazing and special to see their unique personalities form so young.

Thanks, again