Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Others' reactions to our kids

It's sad how insecure people are. My eldest is gifted, and it's quite obvious to strangers at, say, the playground Then when they see my baby (who is 11 months old, but as big and tall as a two year old) "struggling" to do two year old activities, they are so quick to offer me their patronising sympathy. Their reaction when I tell then his actual age is both humorous and terribly sad.

Some people ask questions about how I have raised them, or what I ate during pregnancy, and are genuinely interested; others, not so much. I find it sad because their jealousy of your child just shows their own disappointment in their own child.

And disappointment in themselves by extension. I always want to hug these people's children because their parents are valuing them according to a narrow set of attributes and missing what makes them special.

Some of my favourite people in my life are the simplest, least erudite because their kindness and love are their exceptional qualities. I mean for that to sound laudatory, not pejorative.

I don't think most people are necessarily jealous; I've found it's more curiosity and astonishment. (Yes, sometimes with the question about "working with" the child at home; but I connect that more with them pitying the theoretically overworked child than with them admiring the results.) Around here, being too smart is not universally admired.

I wouldn't assume that they are disappointed in their kids. Just because a child is not academically gifted doesn't mean that child is "ordinary" at all. I feel strongly that all kids have talents that can be recognized and cultivated; and I don't like the assumption that gifted kids are of another kind altogether than other kids, or more valuable.

DeeDee

A friend of mine has another friend whose two kids have been identified as gifted. Between this other friend and myself, she's inundated with stories and tales of woe about GT.

One day she made a comment that she's "not one of those people who needs her kids to be gifted."

Interestingly, I didn't take offense to this at all, because of the kind of genuine person she is, and the intent with which the comment was made: she doesn't feel like she's "failing" as a parent because her kids are average. We've probably all encountered the jealous and bitter ones, but there are also many parents out there who are very content with and proud of their typical kids.

I have gotten this response from other parents: "Well, if I had the option to be a stay-at-home-mom like you then my child would be just as smart. But I have to work."
Others always assume that I am constantly pushing my DS and that the only reason he is gifted is because he didn't go to daycare. Not true at all. He was definitely born gifted!

Most of the reactions we get aren't really positive or negative, they're often MIXED, or confused, most often they are simply variations on "does not compute. Does not compute. Whir. Whir. Does not.. com..." (crunch)

I seem to encounter the jealous and bitter ones LOL. Or the really proud, amazed ones. In my eldest's class, there is a mum whose baby is six weeks older than my 11 month old. When we go in, my baby sometimes walks in. When she sees this, she gets her baby out of the pram and tries to get her to walk; when she starts crawling, the mum's look of frustration says it all. Of course, that's only walking- hardly an indicator of brilliance- but is representative of their reaction to my eldest's achievement.

I also have a "friend" who is extremely competitive and is constantly making up lies about her daughter's abilities. I feel that she wouldn't lie about it unless she is trying to cover up the disappointment in her daughter; because her daughter doesn't lie about it, just the mum.

I just find it hard to accept that parents can feel this way about their kids, and also about others', instead of feeling happy that a child may have an easier life in this horrible world. I am grateful that gifted children exist. How sad that anyone could think badly of any child.

Then there's the elaborately casual questions, fishing for information. "So . . . that school takes a lot of kids early for kindergarten?" Um, no. Why?

This is what we get. That and people telling us that they would never do to their child (pushing them to grow up too fast) what we have "done" to ours.

Another friend of mine: "I preferred to let N(her DD) have a normal childhood. I didn't spend time with flashcards or anything like that."

(sigh). Neither did I.

Oh yeah (lol) ...just thought of another one. Different friend: "Hey, you can teach (her DS, then 3) to read too, right? I don't know how to work with him. Hey (her DS), go look at that book CCN has! Show him how to read."

...it was funny because at that point I was almost feeling like I had some kind of credit in my DD's early reading, but when my friend's DS stared blankly at the page and then looked away, I was aware for the first time that there really are some kids who aren't ready to read at three. Wow... and here I thought that was normal.