Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Have you ever felt like you were no longer gifted?

Hello everyone,


so I am Linje a 25 years old frenchgirl, [I'm saying just in case some of my sentences would sound funny] and I am a lost gifted, and a Peter Pan reader !


So, today my psychologist asked me how long I was going to waste my time doing day jobs and my so-called arty shenanigans. (I think I'm musician sometimes !) This question is moving me so much, even Mother never asked me so ! (Mother is not uncaring, I was born with an health condition and I had substance abuse issues, so she's just grateful to have me here rather than in a grave)

Now you can asked what it has to do with being gifted ? That's the point I told to my psychologist, but to everyone it has do with this "condition". I'm no longer the person she thinks I am. She knows me well but can an adult still be called gifted even if they did not achieve a single thing in their life ? It's my case so I don't think so.

Since I'm alcohol and drugs free, I felt like should have done something with myself but that I can't because my brain is gone and that an harmful life is all I deserve and can pretend to, since I wasted what I had. I having much more of an hard-time when people are saying "You can do anything you want with the brain you have" that is so not true. They can't seem to get that you just can not apply to the Uni just because you know how to read...

Did someone ever felt like being smart was a curse, and that perhaps they were not meant to achieve "great" stuff ?

Hi Linje,

I'll need to think on this a bit and see if I can come up with something more helpful to say, but just wanted to let you know that I have known and loved more than a few people like you--late bloomers (are you familiar with that expression? I don't know French so don't know if there's an equivalent).

Conquering your addictions is a huge thing; that takes a lot of work. You are still so young, and you still have time to figure out what else you want to do. I know that sounds patronizing, but I was 25 once

What kind of reaction do you think your psychologist was trying to provoke in you? It sounds like she can see that you have the potential to do something wonderful, and she wants to help you to see it too...

I don't think I've answered your question, but I wanted to offer my encouragement.

Welcome to the forum!

Mo

I've recently watched a TV series called "Moon Machines," which looks at the engineering side of the Apollo program. These are people who used their brains to solve novel engineering problems, under intense pressure, and accomplish something great.

Side note: many of them reported working crazy hours, for months/years at a time, and the pressure on their families led to a huge divorce rate.

So... maybe achieving something "great" isn't all its cracked up to be.

The great thing about having high ability is that increases the number of options. But it still comes down to this: What do you want to do? If you want to do something great, go for it. And feel free to define "great" as whatever it is you want it to mean.

Personally, I've been all around the world (literally) and done some really interesting things, but being a dad is the greatest adventure I've ever had.

I think being gifted isn't what you achieve, it is who you are. I also think that it could be very helpful for you to read about Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration. I am sure there must be literature in French that you could find.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_Disintegration

I want to reinforce this point Dude makes because it echoes my sentiments on parenting beautifully. (@Dude: I wish I could shake your hand warmly for that post!)

Fulfillment isn't always where you expect to find it.

Your best use of your unique gifts might be in an academic/professional realm...and it might not. I chose the professional route, published early and copiously, and then found myself in a "so what?" mindset. Frankly, my work made zero real impact in the world. It wasn't until I became a parent that I felt I was making a meaningful contribution to humanity, let alone achieving near my potential. This isn't to say parenthood is a blanket solution for everyone at every stage in his/her life, just that it was an excellent fit for me at this time.

There are many facets to giftedness beyond mere mental horsepower. People tend to undervalue the unmeasurable-- compassion, excitability, emotional sensitivity, ingenuity.

I think our best guide to our calling is accepting what we enjoy most and letting a vocation grow out of that organically. For me, this meant accepting that I will have serial callings. I took professional flack for choosing to be a stay at home mother and pursuing further university studies for fun. It was worth doing what I love. For you, it may be an unfolding process of self discovery and questioning around the arts.

I don't know a single person who has 100% clarity around major life decisions. I also don't know anyone who hasn't failed in some way. I could give you a dissertation of the ways in which I've come up short at one time or another. That said, I wouldn't trade away my failures because they each taught me important lessons I needed later.

I wish you every success and happiness on whichever path you choose. You are never alone- we're just a post away!

1st of all you are 25, how I wish I was 25 (50). Even if as you say you wasted 10 years, (You only wasted it if you take nothing from it), and you still have many years for many new choices. Life is not an end goal; it’s a series of choices we build ourselves on. It’s easy to look at others and see what we have not accomplished and may not ever accomplish. Valuing yourself on others achievements will only lead to disappointment. I am all for lofty goals and striving to improve ourselves and a certain amount of life dissatisfaction is needed to help drive us to grater things. I do understand that we are told that we can do anything we want, and that we have the ability to do great things because we are smart. It’s not true, (Some may disagree). Potential means nothing without action; many so called successful people are not bright. Much of what we hold up as successful are mostly hard workers, and risk takers. The basic axiom of you get what you put into things is true. (I can't say this enough, in all aspects emotionally, fiscally, physically, etc...)Your personal success will be based on what you define it to be, and how much you put into it. The best satisfaction in life comes from placing effort into things. I try to explain to my math club kids, math is no fun when it’s easy; it is fun when you work hard on something, push yourself and then solve it. It's hard, (Things are always easy to say rather then to do) but you have to look at things differently. Many of us tend to see the whole mountain in front of us and decide we can’t do it, or we try a little and then give up. Some build up muscle by moving up a little at a time getting stronger as they go, constantly pushing themselves a little more each time. Some never even have an end goal, just a path they start. Also (Since I have my soap box to stand on) I find doing for others is much more rewarding then doing for myself (My personal observation). What you focus on and what you think of, is what you will achieve. If all you see are obstacles then that’s all you will ever achieve. If all you see are solutions, and opportunity’s then that too will be what you achieve. I know it sounds a little simplistic, it's not, our past choices and environments have helped define us. That being said the world will give you what you ask for and strive for. All you have to do is change the way you think, focus on what you want, tell everyone your goal, and take lots of action.

It sounds as though you're in a fixed rather than a growth mindset - you're seeing being gifted as a property that you used to have but don't feel any more, and as something that is, or was, a property of you independent of what you do with it.

You might find it very helpful, even perhaps revelatory, to read something by Carol Dweck, such as her book Mindset. In a nutshell, she argues based on research that the growth mindset is more productive. (This is a separate question from whether it's true, which is a bit hard to get one's head around! But in any case, success in anything worthwhile certainly does require work, perseverance etc.)

Alcohol and some drugs can have damaging effects on the brain physically, and if you haven't done much that's intellectually demanding lately that also won't have helped, so although "my brain is gone" is probably over-dramatic, you could well be objectively correct in perceiving that in some ways it doesn't work as well as it once did. However, that can be temporary! The brain is remarkably plastic; you'd probably be surprised how fast you'd feel comfortable again doing whatever hard stuff you want to do, if you started working towards it systematically.

I feel like that all the time , though I feel learning is important, and being willing to learn is equally important, I believe when you learn whether by uni, school or by observation, There comes a time you can give something to the world and recieve love back and being content in the process.

I think that most gifted persons have had a period of time where they wondered if they "weren't gifted" anymore due to some set of life circumstances or a series of poor performances/decisions.

That's not necessarily related to being gifted, though. It's related to self-doubt, uncertainty, and growth as a person.

Who is to say that those arty shenanigans aren't serving some larger purpose for YOU personally?

Maybe your destiny in life isn't to serve humanity with your gifts used at some mythical "full capacity." Maybe it's to live in a way which feels meaningful and fulfilling to you rather than to meet the expectations that others might have of you.

Figuring out what we want and letting go of what doesn't matter to us personally is very hard work. But it's also a relief to set down the burden of others' expectations.

Good luck! (And congratulations on your work toward sobriety.)

I think so too.


Yup, or with me I wonder if my brain is just aging. But then, out of nowhere, it'll return... in a flash of inspiration, insight or atypically in-depth understanding of something... or maybe an intense drive to know, or an over the top emotional response.

It's always there.

@momosam : I am not sure I am familiar with the late-bloomer expression. Is it about evolving at your pace ? If it is I may be one.
Concerning my psychologist, I think like she wanted me to take a look at the life I am currently living and ask myself if it's how I want it to be.

Truth is I don't know. I'm living at Mother's and I don't have a job because of all the treatments I have to do this year. I, for sure, do not plan to stay at her's forever but she wanted to and I'm glad she did not to me when I said: "no" !
And even when I am done with my treatments, I'll be okay being a random human being. All I want is being better at making music and computer related things. I hope I would not regret this non-ambitious way of life I chose in 10 years.


@moomin : You just talked like a teacher I used to know, who was saying I was idle besides my good grades and that would never do something I'm proud of if I not doing it a 100%.


@dude : I never wanted to achieve something great, but some people wanted and still want me too. I am a very anxious person, I can't deal with pressure and I'm putting pressure on myself I end up behaving like Van Gogh ! I can be a little sensitive sometimes.

Mother told me the same thing about being a parent. I think my greatest journey is waited for me.


@deacongirl : thanks to the answers I had I understand that being gifted is who I am. But some people are mean about and sometimes make a fool of me because I don't know something they do. Maybe it's my fault, perhaps I did not behave well once so they remind me I'm not all-mighty. I don't know I'm going to think about it.

@aquinas : what is it with being a parent ? I mean where the kids are from should I order one on Amazon or something ?!
I already learn a few things from my mistakes, one is to carefully pick my friends. I don't know why I tend to believe that all the people are genuinely good. I am a real dummy in socialising.

@Edwin I wish I was 50 settled and all, so that the "what I'm going to do" questions were gone. But it's a silly statement isn't ? Life is an evolving path.
Also what you said made noticed that I kind of gave up.

@ColinsMum : I'm sorry for the "over-dramatic" feel. I did not mean to. It's just that understanding thing has always been the only thing I was really good at. So I felt a little left alone. Besides I googled Carol Dweck, and I'll borrow some books at the library.


@HowlerKarma : Whatever I'm doing doubt is here, it's really disturbing. I mean music is my thing but most of the time I'm not satisfied with what I am doing or I think music is not meant for me, which could be true. Who knows ?...

Thank you for all of your answers I'd like to be able to help someone as intelligently someday.

Hello everyone,

I did write and post an answer a couple of days ago, but now I wonder if I posted it. anyway.

First of all I want to thank all of you for your answers and advices toward my "over-dramatic" statement/topic !

I was a little bit moved when I wrote this thread.
Now that I am calmer, I feel like my psychologist was right about my arty shenanigans" I do am a musician but I no longer wants to be a professional musician, since most of the musicians I've been playing are not in a democratic mood, they always tell me what to do and not to do. It made this passion I had no longer pleasing at all. It would not be such a big deal if I was a leader but I'm definitely not. I mostly play the drums and the bass, so I'm a little doomed here !


I taught and still am, to myself about acoustics, sound design and audio mixing, and it makes me so happy I am jabbering all day long about these subjects. It even made start doing physics again.

My psychologist once told me she could hear the knowledge and the happiness when I was explaining what I was doing and that there must be something to work on. I never thought about it until today.

I have always been working to get what I have. But these days I gave up and did not even noticed it before. I've been seriously whining, like: "how, I miss my brains" of course you do silly-rabbit, it's not easy doing nothing.


For the record: I am currently unemployed because of my health, and the treatments they give me at the hospital, are hard to deal with sometimes. But now that my organism is a little more used to it I have more energy to complain and be fed up with the situation. (what I unfortunately did)

I don't know if any of you or perhaps your kids ever felt like they were never doing something good no matter what. But I hope I'd be able to get rid of this non-healthy thinking.

Thank you again, and my bad I drifted away from the subject. Rendez-vous to the brag topic if I am achieving something someday

My daughter often feels this way. It makes me very sad, because it is not true. But it feels true in her mind. She can see what COULD be, and feels that nothing in real life can be as good, so by comparison it must not measure up to possibility. This is partly her perfectionism; it can really poison a person's thinking about themselves.

Your recent posts indicate that you are learning and thinking hard! It sounds as though you are in a better place in your thinking now that you're "moving" to understand and change things inside.


I'm so glad that you have a passion that engages so many of your abilities and interests at the same time. That's very important to exercise our gifted brains, I think. Your words sound very joyful when you talk about this passion.

I understand. This is not something that is healthy. At some point you have to let go of other people's expectations, because it's not their life, it's yours. And then you have to decide... I have this life, now what do I want to do with it?


And just to be clear, the message I'm trying to send here is not, "go make a baby." It's just that "great" can be found in unexpected places, and you can define "great" to mean whatever it means to you. For some people it's the quest for fortune and/or fame. For others it's to be found in making little differences in people's lives every day, or learning something new. There are a number of possibilities, and you're free to choose, or make up your own.

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This sounds like perfectionism, which is a very common trait among the gifted, and gifted females in particular. It's not a good thing in general, but it's particularly tough when your passion is music, because in music, there's no such thing as perfect. There will always be some who like it, and some who don't. You can't please everybody.

The best approach there is to make music to please yourself, and then if you enjoy it, share it with others who also enjoy it.

Every once in a while, things settle into a sort of routine in my life, and I'll get into a place where it feels like I'm not using my brain anymore, and it's dying. So I'll find some new interest or hobby, and I'm good.

Oh no. It's not what I meant... I wanted to say that I was eager to find this very thing that would make me feel as complete as some of you appear to be, and less morose concerning future.




I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but as someone who likes things to be done right. I don't like to bodge neither when people do it. I don't get it.

I would say the key is to learn how to accept ambiguity with equanimity. I think everyone struggles with ambiguity when they're at a crossroads because the drive for security and stability is so human. Sadly, I don't have a great roadmap for you, just a suggestion to let your interests be your compass.

(I think I beat that travel metaphor to death, didn't I!)

Hell yeah ! (or like it's said in french "Grave !" which is funny to use right after you)

Hello there, how is life ?

I for myself recently experienced an heavy depression and was committed to a clinic. I am way better and I even start to believe in a future for myself. For that matter I have some news (drum roll) on autumn I'll go to night school in order to learn maths and physics. I am very happy, as well as quite tense. I hope everything will be fine.

—linje

I am glad that things seem to be improving for you now. Very good news that you've had success in treating your depression! It is so important to take good care of ourselves.

When I was 24, had just gotten my MBA degree, I was seriously considering going on to get a Phd in Decision Science. Instead, I went into real estate (when the times were good) and then had two kids. Now, 12 years later I am very happy to be a stay at home mom, and instead of a Phd degree, I am now considering homeschooling my kids. Do I think I lost my giftedness? Not really. I just no longer have the need to achieve more and more. My priorities have shifted. If you asked my mom, she would probably tell you she thinks I am wasting my time being home with the kids and that she would expect more from me but giftedness doesn't necessarily mean big time career or number of degrees you have. I am happy the way things are and that's what matters.

@HowlerKarma : I am so happy to be able to enjoy myself again. I did not notice I was seriously depressed when I was posting here a few month ago.


@Mk13 : I see where your point is. Actually being gifted does not matter any more. What really does is making a move instead of whining. If I fail I could tell myself : "at least you I tried" I don't want a big career or something I just want to enjoy myself learning things I like.