Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Help! younger kid about to pass older one

I'm not sure that how the adults value things ultimately matters, because this is all about how the kids see themselves. Many kids are quick to pick up on the fact that mom and dad have a tendency to add positive spin, and learn to distrust them as a source of information on how well they're doing.

It's the most natural thing in the world for kids to try to measure their progress against their peers. Plus, the idea of competition and rewarding ability is a message that is being broadcast loudly from the rest of our society... other parents, teachers, peers, media, etc.

So yeah, as a parent, you can try to create a certain message, but results will vary.

oh, and just thinking about my sister and I years ago. She was almost 6 years older than me. She picked up on the fact that I was the "smarter" one pretty quick and didn't forget to tell my parents quite a few times "why did you have to make HER the smarter one?" ... but the REAL issue didn't come until the day when I outgrew her! lol The grades and smarts meant nothing compared to the internal shame she suffered when she stayed at 4'11" from when she was about 13 years old and I grew all the way to 5'3"! At that point she basically started ignoring my whole existence and didn't start respecting me in any way till I turned 30 at which point we already lived continents away and now, while not best friends, there are a lot of times when we wished we lived closer!

I didn't like the way things were between me and my sister and wanted kids close in age and love the 19 months age gap between them but they somehow failed to get the message to be best friends and instead given their personalities (and diagnoses) more or less "co-exist" in the same space! ... can never win, can we? lol

Megmeg, I agree faster is not always smarter, subject depth is also important; by faster I mean they pick up things quickly, not that they can do things quickly. I also agree in part with you Dude, I just believe the strongest influence in a child’s life is (Usually) the parents. I would like to believe we help lay their foundations. We are not alone in doing this, but hopefully we are a big part of it. There will always be outside influences, and they increase as our children become more independent. Our goal is to teach, and to emulate the behaviors on how to deal with the influences within our lives.

Hi Madoosa,

Disclaimer: I haven't read the other responses - and I'm not sure from your question whether you're asking how to prepare A for N reading higher-level books than A *for now* or if you're asking how to prepare A for understanding he has dyslexia etc (if you find out that he does have a reading challenge of some sort).

Just my perspective, but as you continue to search for answers re what is the challenge, I think you'll find it's important to share the info you can with A so he'll understand why reading is difficult for him.

Re the siblings and reading skills: First, it's very *very* early in life to be drawing a conclusion that N will always be a higher-level reader... even if A is dyslexic. I also wouldn't stress that it might cause issues between siblings or that they will even care or notice - until that happens (if it happens).

Among my three kids, there are very different academic abilities (and other life abilities). My EG ds is dysgraphic and has an expressive language disorder - learning how to write (not just handwriting) has been a bit of a journey - a very tough journey for him. My oldest dd (younger than ds) writes voluminously - her biggest challenge with writing is how to turn it off and how to break up her paragraphs. When she is given a writing assignment in creative fiction, she doesn't write 1-2 pages, she writes chapter after chapter. She obviously is a much more adept, talented creative writer than my ds will ever be... but neither one of them really cares or thinks much about it. On the flip side ds is accelerated in math and dd struggles with it. Again, it's a non-issue between them, other than when I am busy and ask ds to answer a math question for his sister and he doesn't want to be bothered with it.

In reality, my ds has compared his writing more to his peers at school in his grade/classes instead of comparing it to his siblings. And my math-challenged dd really hasn't spent much time comparing her math output to anyone at all.

When my kids are worried about their writing or their math etc - it's usually because they aren't able to complete their work up to either the teacher's expectations or their interpretation of the teacher's expectations... and when that happens I handle it by reassuring them that it's effort that counts in life, that we all have strengths and challenges, and that we're all different.

With my 2e ds who is dysgraphic/etc I share stories of real-life people with similar disabilities who have been successful in life, and I talk to him a lot about life after school vs life during school years.

Best wishes,

polarbear

I think in that situation it's very important to have a discussion about the statistics of giftedness, or the elder child can take a serious confidence hit. I think there's a tendency for some children to make their EG or HG sibling a standard for what it is to be "smart". Anything less exceptional than their sibling is considered less than smart. And anyone less than smart shouldn't focus on academics, nor expect to become a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer, a scientist, a professor, etc.

In my own family, my brother may have been a natural born engineer. When he was 7 or 8 years old my parents found him with a pile of parts that used to be his bike. They flipped out, worried that they wouldn't be able to get it back together, but they didn't need to. He put it back together by himself. He was certainly mechanically inclined, and academically talented as well scoring above the 90th percentile in math and reading on standardized test. But he's not an engineer... I am. My brother spent his childhood avoiding strategy games (aka the embarrassment of losing despite being 3 years older), and always hearing how I was the one similar to our grandfather (who was an engineer, and as my father put it "a mathematical genius"). Is it any wonder he didn't pursue math or engineering? What would he have done if I hadn't been there? Would he have heard for 18 years how he was like his grandfather?

Thank you all for your thoughtful and insightful comments, stories and thoughts on this.

A few things to help clarify
1. We homeschool so they ARE each others peers for a huge portion of the time
2. They are very close. They are buddies, and I do everything possible to make sure it stays this way. We don't pit them against each other ever in any way, subject or activity.
3. In all games or activities I always make it about the time spent together being more important than the outcome (ie who wins)
4. Aiden IS aware of what is happening. In the past he would get quite upset when his little brother mentally calculated something faster, or turned and explained something to him, or more recently told him a reading word that he (Aiden) was struggling with. This morning he looked quite horrified when Nathan picked up Aiden's new book and read it more fluently and easily than he had just done (while Nathan was out of the room). He managed to control himself (I was so proud) but he lost interest in it thereafter, instead choosing to push himself into a book that is harder, more complex and definitely on the upper edge of his current ability.

I have always told my boys they are awesome because of who they are not what they can do.

The thing is that Aiden is prone to performance anxiety and perfectionsim. He also loves to be in the know, esp with his brothers and loves to teach and guide them. When we took him out of school he was doing this thing where he would squeeze himself into the mould of the person/people he wanted to be with/like/accepted by.

I just need some ideas on ways to talk to him about accepting that there will be things his younger brother is better at and that its okay because it doesnt have to define him. It also doesnt mean he cannot do those things.

We have been talking for ages about the fact that Nathan may be taller than him one day (looks very likely) but that he will always be the oldest.

thank you

My HG DD8 passes MG DD11 a litte while ago.

I saw that was going to happen and 9 months ago, I spent a day alone with my old DD and talked about it. She understood that her little sister is smarter. I stressed that everyone has their destiny and have their strength (her being more sporty) it's not good enough to represent the school but I did not tell her that :-)..

She may try harder and she can be a High achiever and she can always stay ahead of her sister. But she decided to go with her own pace. I try to avoid heads on competition between the two. They took sample test on Explore last month and DD8 got every questions right but DD11 got 2 wrong. All they knew was they both did great. When she was alone, I explained DD11 what she did wrong.

They both wanted to take Explore and I have to share the results when the time comes. I believe jealousy can be controled when the parents continue equal attention. When the high achiever, smarter kid recieves all the attention, that's when the resentment will set in.

It works for us for now.

I wish they come with a manual for parenting..........