Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion support for emotional intensity, please!

Hi all-- my DD3 started her new bilingual preschool last week. She hates parental separations. She's been crying/screaming when dropped off at school (I'll miss you Mommy stuff). She did this last year at her other, beloved, preschool and then improved with it (separation was still sometimes hard for her throughout the year) and had a great year (including on days she cried at dropoff).

She says that she loves her new school, loves her new teachers, loves the other kids (she's very social), and when I pick her up she never wants to leave (usually pitches another fit when I try to take her home!), hugs the teachers, etc, already was invited to a playdate, kids like her. Teachers say she's a very happy kid, very vocal/participatory and interested in everything/doesn't miss anything going on (she already knows the stuff they do in circle time, but is VERY interested in the other kids bc social, so watches them instead). She's thrilled school is in Spanish. So far, I don't think it's the school, I think it's just her intensity.

She did weeks of pretend play separations with her stuffed animals and dolls prior to starting the new school and we've talked about it ENDLESSLY-- she gets it. When she's red faced and crying she'll sob "mommy will be back." It's just her emotions are so big. She's also tired bc she's refusing to nap at school.

It's just SO HARD to have the only kid that screams when dropped off (and she's SO LOUD). I leave and then she's happy and playing. I'm just SO TIRED of having other parents look at me with (I perceive) pity. The intensities are just exhausting with her. I should probably count my blessings that she's social/sunny disposition, but she just killed me this morning with her red-faced screaming fit, and in front of another parent from my Mom's group where my DD was a sensitive (screaming) mess as a newborn . Ugh.

Any support/suggestions would be appreciated.

I don't think it's abnormal emotional intensity, just a bad behavior pattern; lots of children do this at some point in my experience. What you need to do is treat it as a training problem. When you drop her off, if she's fussing, say goodbye calmly and just turn around and walk off-- don't say anything else, don't have a sympathetic look, don't turn around or linger, or any of it. On the better mornings, reward her with an extra hug. The behavior will eventually vanish, because there won't be any percentage in it.

I don't think you can safely assume it's a "training problem," although it could be. Does she have a lot of trouble with transition generally? I note that you say she has similar issues at pick up time.

I'm sending you sympathy. I have not had dropoff issues with my kids--both are extroverts--but I have definitely been embarrassed by them and their big emotions on many occasions.

One of my boys was like this. He cried so hard on the first day of preschool, he got a bloody nose! He cried for months. He has difficulties with transitions and we've had to be aware of it and work on it for years.

Sounds like the pretend play is great, her self-talk "mommy will be back" is fantastic. Now, you've just got to let her work through it. It may take a while. My son stopped for a while and then started up again. And whenever there was a change in his routine, he would cry. The teachers were aware and just dealt with it.

I think some encouraging words, "You can do it." "Take deep breaths and I'll be back before you know it." would be helpful. I think lots of hugs regardless. But I do agree with leaving after a big hug. My dd sometimes asks for another one, and I do it. We have a secret ritual of blowing kisses, too, which I think makes her feel better.

You might consider reading some books on separation. "The Kissing Hand" is a great one.

Also, don't worry about other moms. Who cares what they think? Their opinions just don't matter in this situation.

Yes... I second this. My daughter was like yours, and it carried on well beyond 3 because I fed into it. She was so intense and traumatized by my leaving (she's NOT social, like your daughter) that even the experienced preschool teachers were not sure how to handle her.

Anyway, to make loooooong long (lol) story short, her grade 2 teacher saved us both by putting into action what Iucounu suggests. At line up she'd calmly insert herself between DD and I and quickly pull DD into the school. (The first day of grade 2 she actually had to carry her in, kicking and sobbing while the other kids curiously looked on). By the end of the year she was totally fine.

Been there (and back again and again!! lol). It's interesting because three years old was INTENSE with my DD, but she was also blossoming cognitively (reading & writing sentences, grade 2?ish math+multiplication, etc etc). I think the intense behaviour was in part due to overall increased cognitive activity (i.e. "volume turned up"), but I'm not a psychologist so I don't know. It didn't let up until she was about 7ish (sorry ) I often thought I was losing my mind, that I was the worst parent, why my kid? Why? Sure, it's neat that she's so advanced, but why can't she behave like the other kids? Etc etc. Then along came my son who was just as difficult but completely different, and I just kind of got numb.

Buuut... the last few years have made a world of difference (they're now 8 and 9), and they're much more... um... "socially optimal." ;p

There is a light at the end of the tunnel... three is so hard!! Hand in there. This too shall pass.

DS, who is almost 4, is still like that when DH drops him off.

He is perfectly fine when I drop him off.

Interesting... my DH never dropped off DD but in general her anxiety issues were worse with him anyway (like she wouldn't read out loud to him, for example). Actually she wouldn't read out loud to anyone but me, so that's kind of a bad example. You know what I mean though. (I had to video tape her reading and send in a CD for her grade 1 teacher, lol) sigh

It's nice that he's fine for you though. It must make it easier.

One question - if the crying stops the minute you're out of sight, have you considered that - at least for this instance - that you might be being played just a bit? Kids will manipulate our heart-strings, and sometimes they'll buy into the emotion because it creates an intense connection with the parent. What worked for me with my more intense kiddo was just calmly telling them they'd be ok and then leaving. If I didn't buy into the drama, it was a lot less likely they'd continue with it if it meant they couldn't play and didn't get the reward they wanted of me feeling guilty and showing them with more attention later on in the day.

Now I'm not saying this is what's happening at all. I'm just putting it out there for consideration.

The OP has not said what she does or how she behaves during these tearful separations. I think we'd probably better give her a chance to explain that. Perhaps she IS walking away calmly and quickly?