Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion support for emotional intensity, please!

Whether from bad habit or separation anxiety (or a combination of both), ITA with the others about a very short and sweet goodbye. It's like pulling a band-aid quickly of slowly - slowly is worse because there is always the secret hope by the distressed child that the parent will "rescue them" (as they see it).

If you have the choice for her dad/other caregiver to drop her off - it sometimes works wonders. Another thing you could do is have a teacher meet you at the car.

I so identify with how hard this is. I think most parents understand and think little of seeing another child upset at a goodbye.

This is what I had to do. I think when the OP said hers was the only one she was referring to intensity. My DD was "the only one" as well... sure there were lots of kids who'd cling and cry a bit, but mine was the only one (at our school, preschool, sports, etc... maybe not the only one in the city) ...who turned heads.

Mine was also the only 4 year old who had to arrive 20 minutes before skating lessons so that she could mentally prepare. She had a ritual she had to go through every time, otherwise you couldn't get her on the ice. Once on the ice she was extremely happy and would cry when the lesson was over, but she wouldn't skate unless she had her ritual.

(Meanwhile ALL the other 4 year olds walked in with their parents 5 minutes prior to the start of the lesson and sat obediently as their parents laced them up, and then passively plodded over to their line ups. Not my kid).

One day DH drove us. We left later because we had the car (we typically walk). We arrived with about 7-8 minutes to spare. DD would not go on the ice. SHE HAD TO COMPLETE HER RITUAL (drink some water, walk to the vending machines, try to lace her skates herself, etc etc). Finally we got her on the ice about halfway through, and when the class was over she was distraught because she'd only had about 15 minutes of it. Poor DH felt SO bad.

Yes, I talked to the doctor, yes I asked about OCD, anxiety, spectrum, etc etc. I got nowhere as far as a "diagnosis" is concerned. Sure enough, the doctor was right in that time has helped and she's outgrown most of it (although I don't think she'll ever be truly typical as far as anxiety goes).

I can completely identify with the OP in that some kids are just really different. I guess I'm stressing this point because I had so many well-meaning parents say "oh, lots of kids are like that," when really and truly, they weren't. I thought I was going crazy! Finally DD's grade 2 teacher told me how atypical and complex DD is, and I want to hug her. Thank you!! It's not just me!!!

(sigh)

CCN...

I see a lot of kids in my practice with this very "cautious" disposition...and it does usually get better with age. But parents are usually beyond frustrated by the time they come see me (eg: a child begs and begs to take a karate class - parent finally caves and signs child up - child refuses to get out of the car on the first day of class). Mental rehearsal can be invaluable (I had to do a lot of that when I first learned to drive) .

The advantage a parent has with school vs. an activity is that the environment becomes much more well-known to a child (daily attendance vs once a week for an hour) . The other benefit is that a child can form a bond with their
teacher(s). Then the teachers can help the child work through any remaining anxiety as the day unfolds...

IF a child is lucky enough to have an invested teacher.

Yes My kids have both been blessed with wonderful teachers who've accepted them unconditionally and been committed to working through their behavior issues. I feel very lucky in this regard.

I know another mom whose oldest son is gifted and had a lot of anger issues, and this mom had so many conflicts with school staff that they ended up switching schools. This makes me sad when I hear stories like this... I think this can be avoided with the right communication (i.e. mutually supportive and team oriented) between parents and staff.

LOL "cautious" is such a kind word ;p

Or as Longfellow declared:

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very good indeed.
But when she was bad she was horrid.

Or maybe we should stick with "intense"

LOL

Hi there! Thanks for the responses! I learned last year with DD that the best thing was to stay calm, reassure her that I'd be back, let her push me out the door if she'd cooperate and walk away while she screamed, which is miserable (although she is always picked up/comforted by a teacher). Sometimes I read her a quick book, but if she just sniffled through that, I would eliminate that, too-- which I've done now. So what I'm doing now is walking away from my screaming child (or passing my screaming child to a teacher) after telling her I love her and I'll be back and letting her push me out the door if she'll do it.

My DH dropped her off today so I could get a break, and she did the same thing to him. She is an intense kid in general. When I pick her up in the afternoon, she is all smiles, hugs the teachers, bounces around chattering about the other kids (again, very social), so I have to believe I'm not doing her permanent damage by walking away. It's very hard to do. She also doesn't like transitions in general, and is frequently not happy when I take her outside after picking her up and tell her it's time to leave school. Teachers have commented in both schools that she sometimes didn't like school routine changes, but adapted better when she became familiar with the environment/routine/got more confident.

And, yes, when I said mine was the only one, I did mean the intensity. When my kid cries, even her normal crying (not the screaming she sometimes pulls) is so loud that people in other classrooms (AND the admin office) peek out in the hall to make sure that nothing really bad happened. She is different in that everything with her is so dialed-up intensity wise (good and bad--again, lucky she's sunny in general so usually just REALLY effusive/gregarious/lots of energy).

I know, for example, that there is another girl who cries at drop off, but she cries quietly (but for much longer than my DD). My DD also stops crying fast-- i.e. a couple of minutes after I leave, she's happy and playing by all reports. She gets over things fast in general.

Nothing else constructive to add, just wanted to send you one huge hug, even when we KNOW we're doing the right thing, nothing makes us feel quite so much like a failure as having to walk away from our own crying, pleading child. Just know it takes more courage to continue to do what is best than to cave under the pressure. You deserve a gold star, a blue ribbon and one very long bubble bath!