Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DS anxious about starting school!

DS8 has always been a very anxious kid. But after the past two years (which have been pretty miserable at school) he is bordering on panic over school starting again this year. What if I have those mean kids in my class again? What if my teacher doesn't like me? What if I don't know anyone in my class? What if I can't do the work? I have already spoken to his teacher, making it clear that I expect this year to be different, and tried to reassure him that they start levelling the classes this year, so the "mean" kids (none of whom did well in school) would likely not be in his class. I even spoke to the parent of a friend of his and found that she will be in his class with him. But it doesn't seem to be helping. Any tips to relieve his anxiety would be greatly appreciated! I'm afraid the poor boy is going to have a nervous breakdown before the first day of school!

We do it the other way with anxiety. Rather than telling him his fears won't come true, what if you follow them to the conclusion?

OK, what if there IS a mean kid in your class, what do you think will happen? And then? And then what will you do? Uh huh... and then? ... until he works out how whatever he's anxious about would be resolved.

OK, what if the work IS hard, and you can't do it all right away, and you make mistakes? What would happen then? And next? What would the teacher see? What would you try? and so on.

Eventually you can work your way around in these conversations to realistic possible solutions of these problems, generated by the child. There's not much point IMO in saying there will be no problems, because a smart kid knows that is not true; but there is a point in reminding the child that they know how to cope with whatever is coming.

DeeDee

We take the approach DeeDee takes - we help talk our kids to a conclusion of what would they do if (insert fear) did happen? Having a coping strategy helps reduce their anxiety. I also wouldn't tell them the mean kids won't be in his class... unless you know absolutely for sure they won't. I might tell him there's a good chance they won't be in his class, and that I hope they won't be in his class (or that I hope the kids in his class won't be mean this year... not exactly the same thing!).

I'm curious if you have any idea why he's worried that the work will be too hard? Is it because he knows the class is going to be leveled? Is it just because it's another grade higher? Has he had trouble with a specific type of classwork in the past? Is he a perfectionist?

polarbear

I found that buying school supplies worked wonders with DS9 this year! He was all worked up about starting school, and then he got to pick out a new backpack and was so pleased with his choice that he actually said, "I can't wait for school to start this year!" Then he clapped his hand over his mouth, LOL!

On a later trip, he got to pick out a locker mirror/caddy thing and got all excited again.

When he starts thinking bad thoughts again, I find some reason to have him check his backpack full of stuff and he forgets his worries in all the excitement of notebooks and pencils.

I think there are a number of reasons he is nervous. One is because there were two kids in his class last year who, despite multiple complaints and meetings with the teacher, made life absolutely miserable for him last year. I can't be sure where the fear of failure came from (other than the fact that he does tend to be a bit of a perfectionist). But my suspicion is that it was a product of two things: When he was in first grade, he took second grade math. But when he reached second grade, the schedule would not allow for him to go to third grade for math. So for 3/4 of the year, they made him do second grade math all over again! Not only the same material, but the same worksheets! He came home one day in tears because he thought his teacher believed he was stupid, and that was why they were making him do this. (I have already spoken to all of his teachers, administrators, and guidance counselor and made it clear that this year is going to be different). The second event that may have made him nervous is that NC schools put a huge emphasis on End-Of-Grade tests, and this will be the first year he has to take them. Last year, when they were getting ready for the tests, the teachers spent a lot of time warning them that third grade was far more difficult so they have to work really hard, and informing them that the world was going to end if they failed their EOG's.
I'm no psychologist, but it seems pretty clear to me that these things probably affected his worries about school. I tried the approach of following through with his fears last night. He was worried that he wouldn't learn anything in school (seems incompatible with the fear that he wouldn't be able to do the work, but in his mind, it worked). So I asked him what would happen if he didn't learn anything in school. He was silent for a long time, then said, "Oh, I guess it doesn't matter, because you can teach me stuff at home!" Then he was happy for a couple of hours, before he found the next thing to worry about.

My dd13's 3rd grade teacher did that with the ITBS at the start of 3rd (they took it twice: beginning and end of the year). Dd came home from school physically shaking after day one of the test, burst into tears in the car, and did quite well none the less, but not nearly as well as at the end of the year when I'd convinced her otherwise about the importance of the test. I told her that the school & teacher were being judged on the results of their students' tests and therefore were stressed about them and telling the kids how big of a deal they were and that, despite what they were telling her, she was not the one for whom the test mattered. She always does better if she doesn't think that it is the end of the world.

I like some combo of bringing reality to the situation as to whether these feared events would really be as unmanageable as he fears and offering reassurance that some of the things you know won't be occurring (i.e. - x kid isn't in your class) won't happen.

I like the idea of a "worry stone" (or something of the sort). I ask my client to pick out a stone, shell, shark's tooth, key or any amulet of sturdy weight that can be put on a necklace (kids won't get them taken away by the teacher this way). Have your ds start to hold the token in his hand while practicing slow breaths or relaxing his muscles. Whenever you see him anxious, remind him to hold his worry stone.

With younger kids, I might make up a story to go with the amulet (ie: this shark 's tooth will make you very brave...; "this key will help you be wise as it has lasted 100 years...". He may be too old for that, but he may still like to hear you tell a story of him facing a fear and making it through.

GL!

Update! I emailed his teacher and explained everything that has happened over the past two years. She wrote back within 24 hours, on a weekend, and was horrified. I'm not sure if that will translate into actual help for him this year, but at least it was not the total indifference of last year's teacher. She assured me that he was on the list for AIG. And while she would have to do some testing to see how far ahead he was in math, she had every intention of having him where he needed to be within the first couple of weeks of school. Here's hoping she means it!