Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Grade skipped girls & dating

FWIW, based on my experienece and that of my close friends,I don't think grade-skipping is really the issue with HG/PG girls wanting to date older guys. I think wanting to date people who can get your jokes and who have the same interests and level of emotional maturity is the issue. If she has the opportunity to hang out with guys her own age who meet those criteria, then she'll probably be interested in dating them. Gifted summer programs like THINK or TIP might help get those relationships established.

I'm in the camp that agrees it makes sense to at least "try" to influence the personal lives/dating lives of our 13 year olds!

I think the advice above makes sense....the camp programs are a good idea to introduce your daughter to like-minded, similar-aged peers. But I have to say that for myself, as a teenage HG girl, I did not have crushes on boys based on whether they got my jokes and had the same interests and emotional maturity....hee hee hee.....it was really based on who I thought was cute, and often, athletic. Exuding confidence was key, also. The like-mindedness really didn't come into play until I was past 18. So I may be a case study of an HG not being perfectly mature at a young age :-)

I agree that there is an additional reason to pay attention if your daughter is young for her grade, because I think most parents would *prefer* their young teenage daughter not date significantly older boys (although the 2nd poster points out that of course it can work out just fine!). Obviously, your daughter will be exposed to more older boys than she would if she hadn't been skipped.

My kids are a tiny bit younger than yours, but I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that they date appropriately, whatever that means!!! Good luck....

Based on my very limited experience (I can remember my own high school days, my sister's and my best friends - each of us was grade-accelerated and in classes with kids 2-3 years older than us... plus we had the opportunity to meet quite a few college aged kids who were friends and sibs of friends)... two things pop out to me:

1) Who we were interested in (of the opposite sex) had very little to do with what was inside their brains and everything to do with how cute or attractive or what sport they played or did they have a great sense of humor or were they fun to just hang around with. Some of the judging based on looks etc sounds horribly superficial and shallow, but the facts on the table are - when we were young teens, we were in fact a bit shallow! So were most of the girls I knew when it came to dating, no matter how high or not-so-high their IQs were. As someone mentioned above, that changed in college for most of us and that's when we started seeking out people to date who had similar intellectual interests.

2) A lot of what happens with dating in high school is going to be related to a combination of personality. I was never particularly interested in dating in high school, and I didn't have very many boys ask me out. I did date one boy briefly who was 2 years older and driving when I was still a year away from getting a learner's permit. I felt weird about the car thing, even though my sister thought it was beyond cool. Being the shallow teen that I was, I broke up with him because he could drive and I felt more comfy around all my friends who couldn't drive and didn't have cars.... not sure I was using my brains and high intellect very clearly there lol! My sister, otoh, had a very serious relationship with the first boy she dated, who happened to be two years older than she was. They dated all through her high school, even though he'd long sense graduated and gone on to college. Her dating life, even though it was with an older boy, was much less wild than most of my friends who were dating same-age boys, and she's still friends with her now "older man" all these many years later. My best friend was always all about dating older boys - as many as she could, and as wild as they came. By the time she was a junior in high school she refused to go out with any boy who was still in high school. She wasn't looking for intellect, she was looking for sex. I honestly think, from knowing her well, that she would have had the same type of dating life even if the only boys she'd had to choose from were the same age as she was and she'd never been accelerated in school - it was just who she was. She was still very much the same in college


3) Older boys aren't the only boys I can see myself worrying about with my girls - I knew a few friends who were sexually active as early as 6th grade when I was growing up, we had girls get pregnant in our middle school, and one of my best friends was constantly pressured to have sex with her then boyfriend, who was the same age as us (11-12). We also can set a lot of rules about what to do / not do as parents, but ultimately it's our success in passing on our values that will be most important in helping our kids get through the crazy early years of dating.

4) I wouldn't worry too much about setting some limits if you want to and are worried that they may seem out of place for a child in the grade your child is in - for example, only go out if a parent is driving (or whatever). I can see that's something a parent *might* worry would set their child apart from same-grade peers, but from what I remember of high school, there was a huge spectrum of parental limits across grade level - I had friends who weren't allowed to date until they were seniors and other friends who had limits on who they could ride with etc. Curfews were all over the place. So what I'm trying to say is - giving your child a limit isn't going to automatically blare out as a red flag that "I'm young", kwim?

Sorry - none of that is probably any help! Just more food for thought

polarbear

This is a very helpful thread.

I sense that some of these concerns are a little less hypothetical for those of us who are already living this out, though...

My DD's first "friend" who was more than a friend... was then fourteen, and she was not yet 12. They were classmates, and it was very definitely a mutual crush.

The one thing that my DH and I are trying to do with this particular area of development is to be non-reactive about it in a general sense.

It's hard when you have a 13yo who has classmates and acquaintances express romantic interest in her... and those people are 15-18yo. KWIM?

There is just no way to make that kind of thing feel 'comfortable' to me as a parent.

We've also found that most of DD's age-mates are incredibly intimidated that she is a high school student while they are in 6th or 7th grade.

The exceptions tend to be kids who are quirky outsiders themselves. DD gets along exceptionally well with kids on the spectrum because they, too, tend to live their lives as outsiders relative to cultural social constructs.

Her current boyfriend is an age-mate with mild Aspie tendencies. They met because he is the younger sibling of a peer/friend (with pretty severe ASD) that DD met via summer workshops and an extracurricular activity that they are all involved in. I strongly suspect that the only reason that this isn't incredibly awkward and weird is that the two siblings involved are Aspies. I know that my friends at this age all found it highly creepy if their older/younger brothers were interested in me (happened at least a few times-- once with a brother 3years older than my BFF and I, and once with the younger brother of a good friend who was four years older than myself).

I don't know how long it will last; it seems to be her first "real" relationship of this sort. We're trying to figure out whether or not 13 is "too young" to go to the movies alone, etc. What we are finding is that we don't necessarily have the same opinion on individual items, which is kind of a first for us as parents! For 15 years, we've sort of assumed that we're always on the same page as parents-- to the point that we almost don't need to even discuss things. Now this. LOL.

It's complicated because both kids have had not-terribly-age-appropriate expectations placed upon them since very early childhood (DD because of her disability, and the boyfriend because of his sister's). So neither one of them is "typical" for 13, and this may have been what drew them together in the first place. He knows that DD is very definitely smarter(?) than him, but isn't threatened by it (somewhat to my amazement).

I think that polarbear's comments about it being fairly shallow at this point are absolutely correct. Yes, there are some shared interests, but really, it's the fact that it's mutual and they are both drawn to what they see as "cute" in the opposite sex.


We're pleased that this first boyfriend is NOT 16-17, to be honest. DD is very definitely not prepared for the physical side of that kind of relationship, and some of those 15-17yo classmates and peers are starting to notice her.

She's a girl who is "one of the guys," only now those guys are starting to take notice of the fact that she's a smart, wise-cracking, funny, blonde...
pretty...

girl. (Cue 'Heyyyyyyyyy... how did SHE get in here?' )

Luckily, I was the same kind of girl. Well. I don't think that I necessarily want DD to follow the same kind of path that I followed; I don't think that I ever went out with anyone my own age. My first spouse was someone that I met when I was fifteen. He was 22. But what I mean by that is that I am mentally better prepared to 'guide' my DD through what can be some very rocky waters.

I hope, anyway.

You sound like my cousin who married her high school band teacher.

Things sure were different back in the late 1990s then they are today, that's for sure.

Interesting topic.

We're not there yet (DD is only 9) but I've had a taste of it: I felt forced to tell her about the facts of life before I was ready (she was fine with it, lol). This was because a) her end of year birthday combined with b) her going into the lower grade of a split last year meant that most of the kids she was surround by were 1-2 years older.

I, meanwhile, didn't start dating until after high school. I agree with a previous poster in that it can depend on the child. I'm an anxiety-ridden introvert and as such was socially isolated. I've tried to provide a different experience for my kids - being proactive about socializing them with like minded peers - so we'll see how that turns out.

Yeesh. I'm so not ready for "dating age" children, lol

Heeeee.... well, this was a lot longer ago than THAT. I was first married back in the late 80's.

In all fairness to the ex, the age difference wasn't the problem-- it ultimately didn't work out because he had no intention of ever growing up, which I sort of wish I'd realized before we got married. Plenty of disingenuous/naive behavior there to go around, though. His parents LOVED me-- because even at 18, I was a lot more responsible and mature than he was. KWIM? I think that my grandmother summed it up nicely when she pointed out why Spouse 2.0 was better for me than the beta version... "I always thought that {name} was such a nice boy. But he wasn't for you." (Bearing in mind that the person she was referring to had been 26 years old when we married).


There was never an inappropriate power/status differential between the two of us, though. He was hardly a pedophile. He actually thought that I was more like 18-19 when we met. In any event, my current spouse is also five years my senior. However, this is not a very big gap when you're talking about people in their mid 20's and beyond. BIG difference when the person(s) in question is/are under 16.

I do think that any kind of power/status differential between relationship participants is more concerning than age difference, per se. That power differential or any whiff of manipulative behavior is what raises red flags, IMO.

It's just that in teens, the two things tend to be yoked together. An older partner can drive, may be able to do other things restricted to those over 16, 18, or 21 years of age... etc. Power/status is greater.

I've obviously given this a lot of thought over the past year. We've known that it was coming eventually.

When I got married at 26, I think I had the emotional age of about 15.

Now that I'm 38, I think I'm up to at least an emotional age of 22 or 23.

My cousin seems happy. I'm not sure how much older he is, but they have stayed married and have kids. I would have loved to have attended that wedding, but it was too far away at the time.

I'm just trying to keep my gut in the driver's seat and gently steer where DD seems to want guidance (or where her dad and I think that she HAS to have some).

So far, she's exhibited really very good judgment. She sees no reason to change who SHE is to suit others or to be more attractive to the opposite sex. She's been putting safety and her responsibilities first. She's not dumbing down or anything. We've talked about the risks of ignoring one's platonic relationships, too, in the initial intensity of a relationship with someone-- particularly someone 'needy.'

I'm laughing at the enthusiastic efforts by one of her female friends to give her a 'makeover' recently in light of her new love interest. DD placidly allowed the friend (who is 15) to dress her, do her hair, etc. But then she promptly undid all of it once the friend left, and just shrugged, explaining "I think I'll probably come across better overall if I'm not tugging at uncomfortable clothing like I have some kind of bad rash in embarrassing locations." LOL.

I am a little concerned that DD doesn't seem to feel "worthy" of her intellectual peers, though. She only knows maybe one or two other PG kids, and while both are male, neither is her cup of tea. Ergo, most of the intellectual peers that she knows are classmates who are MG-HG and two to four years older than she is.

I think that her reluctance to engage with (even interested) classmates/peers may be about risk-averseness, but I'm not sure. It's also possible that her emotional maturity isn't at a point where she feels that they are her "peers" in this particular realm, and if so, she's probably right about that.

She certainly feels safe with the, er... "misfit" kids her own age, though-- to a degree that makes her dad and I a little bit worried for her. Is she doing it because she fears/knows that her chronological peers will reject her based on her intellect? Or that her intellecutal peers will reject her/not take her seriously because of her age? I think that may be it. She very definitely has voiced some things in the past year or so about feeling like a "freak" and not feeling like she truly belongs anywhwere (not with older kids, not with age-mates). Her friends are mostly starting to drive, and she's years away from even being eligible for a learner's permit.

Define "mental age". My gifted 14yos are certainly cognitively on the same level as adults I know. But, in the ways of many, many gifted kids, they are the poster children for asynchronous development. Neither is socially ready for adult relationships; it is my responsibility as their mother to keep them safe from making spectacularly bad choices. The ramifications of some of those choices have been bad enough for their cousin, who never had plans to do much with her life anyway; for an ambitious and highly capable kid they could be disastrous.