Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion DD6 and lecturing /correcting / performing

Is a lot of the issue that she doesn't adjust her vocabulary and syntax to suit the occasion? My DS-now-8 had on a couple of school reports things like "At times, it can sound as though [DS] is reciting a passage from a textbook". He would get carried away and not notice when people weren't interested (though if they were interested and joined in, I think he was always just as happy to listen as talk). That was a problem that we and school worked on.

However, I think part of it was just a consequence of advanced language skills. If your language is age-typical, it doesn't often matter if you don't learn to adjust your language to the occasion, because your natural speech mode is what your peers expect. If your language is advanced for your age, it does often matter, because you have to learn to speak in a way that will be understood by your age peers. We talked about it, but I felt this was an instance of his being asked to learn a skill that most children his age don't have, not an instance of his lacking age-typical skills.

In both aspects he's a lot better now. He will still talk about Minecraft to me even though I have zero interest, sometimes to the point that I impose "no more Minecraft talk today". I completely agree that it's appropriate for you and other people to place limits.

My son was a lot like your daughter. He doesn't have ADHD or ASD but was very high energy when he was younger, especially when excited. His sensory issues caused a need to shake his hands "to get some of the excess energy out."

He loved learning, especially science, and at six he didn't realize that it was rude to correct adults. He didn't think it was fair that it was perfectly acceptable for adults to correct kids but not for kids to correct adults when they were obviously wrong. After he finished kindergarten at a public school we homeschooled, more like unschooled, and I encouraged him to tell me if I said something that he thought was wrong and we would check it out together. He was usually right. Maybe this wasn't a good thing for my son socially at the time but I was not really worried about that.

I think he knew that not everyone else was as excited about learning things as he was but it was almost like he thought if he shared these interesting things with other people he could change their minds because how could anyone not think science was amazing.

My son loved to perform so we put him in musical theater at age 4. He loved it and it was a very good outlet for his energy and creativity. The older kids liked him for his sarcastic, quick-witted humor. He got to be with other gifted kids who didn't fit in but not all of them were gifted. I overheard a girl in his class tell her friend that he was speaking in "some geeky language she didn't understand." His friends understood and that was all that mattered.

His social ability improved over the years. His very social sister says he does not have any problems with social skills--at least with young adults. He doesn't share what he finds interesting unless the other person first expresses an interest. He continues to make jokes and he combines his acting ability with his quick-witted humor. I think putting my son in theater was the best thing I could have done for him.

Now that he is 14 some people describe him as quiet and studious, a big change from when he was six years old. I have also noticed that adults talk to him more--like people who stop to ask him lots of questions about the musical theater group, but it also happens a lot when we are shopping at music stores, Best Buy, video game stores, etc. I guess he looks both knowledgable and approachable. As he got older he learned to tone down his high level vocabulary and explain things in a way that I could understand often using humorous examples. He can't stand to watch videos of professors speaking in a monotone voice and slowly explaining things that should be interesting in such a way that would make most people lose interest in the subject.

Hi TT
With DS6, I too was worried about the performing, and relationships with peers. In Pre-k he had a terrible time with the other kids, always wanting to be in charge. His response at the time was that what they wanted to do was boring and his play was better. He tells people obscure things, because "don't they want to know them!" In K in a gifted school, I noticed his play was more turn taking, there was more conversation with peers. In social settings where he is uncomfortable because it's new or where it's showcase something he isn't good at, he had a tendency to become performing fact man. Now that the kids are demanding he perform on cue, not so much fun, so we had a chat about saying, I think it's someone else's turn. But even at his gifted school, there is a real acknowledgement that he knows more than they do, and he interprets it as he should share his stuff so they know it too. And in both prek and K there was a fascination with his story telling because he creates fully developed worlds. But he is just now learning to invite them in to the world and allow them to actively participate - meaning add to it - rather than just be passive. But my sense is that most kids his age are not creating at his level of depth so he finds it boring to let go the control. But when someone is doing that he is plenty willing to follow rather than lead.

We saw this with his 2-5 years older cousins. They accept him completely for who he is and play with him but since they are older they don't tolerate him being in control. But I don't even think he notices that it is back and forth, and he even follows some of the time. So I would add to DeeDee's always good advice, what does she do with real peers, not age mates, or older kids if no real or approximate peers. And I second DeeDee's telling you to do what you need to do for both your sanity and her development. We have realized, probably a little later than we should have that allowing DS to dominate discussions, play, etc is not good for him or us. First it's the we are the adults factor, not a plaything, and second, it's the modeling social skills factor. So I will tell him later, not now, I'm reading, etc.

But I know what you mean about the social mistakes, DS has made some that just make me cringe, and worry about his social life. But some of the stuff the other kids do are equally cringe worthy - they aren't all innately skilled socially - although there seems to be a higher standard for girls, or a lower quirkiness standard!

DeHe

thanks, DeHe!

She has never played with a peer :-( I keep hoping for one, but we haven't met any. This may be due to the classes she has been in or our lack of a neighborhood. I don't think that she is that unusual that she wouldn't meet another child like herself in this community where the word on the street is that the children are very bright overall and gifted kids are not that uncommon. I am hoping that she meets someone in her first grade class this year and that they took that into consideration with placement. I know she is being placed with two very bright boys, but those boys are more gifted in math and she could really use a creative, imaginative, verbal little girl who can jump in with her, lead, and follow, and who challenges my DD6 in a good way. A mom can dream... We have not sought acceleration because we keep being told that there are other gifted kids etc. The highest group in her K class was still very low for her, but I am hoping that they can do better next year.

We did have some testing that had her at third grade while still in preschool. I had my doubts about skipping her due to emotional and social issues. She had a good year in K and was loved by her teachers and a true leader. I really don't know what to do next year besided wait and see. I tend to worry about the social and emotional piece whereas the school sees this confident kid who had no problem speaking in front of the school twice and who seems very outgoing. I guess I see the vulnerabilities that others don't see.

TT, is it possible that the school is also seeing strengths that you don't see? It sounds like your dd doesn't have playmates at home, and you're her social focus by default. It can be really tough to find playmates for any kid (gifted or not) - parents and kids' schedules are busy, there isn't much time after school, whether or not other kids that your child meshes easily with are in your same neighborhood is really somewhat happenstance. We have been very lucky to have playmates very close by who our daughters bonded easily with - so they are living that typical life where they free-range between houses with same-age peers who they spend hours on end just playing with. They are also fairly close in age so that when they are home without friends, they have each other to play with. My ds, otoh, is older than my daughters, and there are no boys in our neighborhood who are anywhere near his same age, and he can get bored at home really really easily. When he was around 6 years old, he used to talk-talk-talk-talk like crazy to me, always wanting to share some interesting fact or ask really intense questions that he wanted to know the answers to right then. I think if he's simply had a playmate close by to hang out with for a few minutes here and there we wouldn't have seen so much intensity at home.

I also agree with DeeDee's suggestion to schedule a time for the performances - my daughters both like to put on performances for my dh and I (they like to dance and generally act goofy in their performances). When they are eager to perform, we ask them to do the "show" after dinner is over. They generally then go off and work on adding more things to what they want to show us... don't know if that might work for your dd or not? After dinner works as a good time for us to watch because we're tired and don't mind sitting plus it's close enough to bedtime that when we (parents) have seen enough, we can close it out by saying it's time to get ready for bed etc.

Hang in there!

polarbear