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Joined: Feb 2011
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Well, I am with you and would definitely cringe if my children behaved that way. However, I have been told on occasion that I have gone too far the other way, but I make sure that my children knows and understands that as smart as they are, there are plenty of people smarter and more accomplished, etc. Even if they are above 99.99% of the population including all age groups, when you multiply by billions and billions, there is still a very large number of people. It also helps that being considerably older and better educated, it will be quite some time before they exceed my level. I also emphasize achievement over ability and remind them that it doesn't matter how smart they are if they don't use what they have.
I thinke age 6, particularly for a smart kid, is definitely not too young to understand. I explained to them that if you are smart, you don't brag about your intelligence because that would demonstrate a lack of social intelligence and also suggest that you were insecure in your abilities. My two younger ones seem to get that at a very young age, but then again they are socially savvy and don't have any medical issues like Aspergers. My oldest has some impulse issues even at a young age, but fortunately bragging type behavior wasn't one of his problems.
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I do realize that we, to some extent, just lucked out b/c she could as easily have wound up in GT classes with older kids who still appeared slow to her. Remind me - did your DD skip around middle school? Mine hasn't yet found true peers among the 18-months-older group, and I don't know if it's an issue of the elementary being small (~70 kids per grade). Our middle school is bigger (~150 kids per grade), so I'm hoping she'll have better luck there.
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I'd say that a combo of talking with him about it and actively seeking peers for him so he gets a broader perspective than the big fish in small pond mentality may help. There is a small but real chance that finding a bigger pond for a child will backfire. For instance, a child may not think much of himself/herself for being substantially smarter than their school mates. However, if you find them a select group of supposedly smart people, and they STILL find themselves to be substantially smarter than the "smart" kids... well, that could go to their heads. I think that is true. I was advocating more for true peers not just kids who are smart or at a lower LOG. In my dd's instance that absolutely did not come from grade level GT classes or summer programs marketed to gifted kids in her age range. It came from HG+ older kids. I do realize that we, to some extent, just lucked out b/c she could as easily have wound up in GT classes with older kids who still appeared slow to her. There absolutely were some of those kids in her GT classes and still are. If I'm being honest, I'd have to say that the majority of the kids in her GT/honors classes still come across that way to her and, now being a teen, she can be pretty snotty about it at home. OTOH, just the one or two who were at her LOG or above (definitely above for the one girl) and older made a big difference in giving her perspective. Yes, and some of this is personality-driven. My DD has had that same experience-- even HG+ kids 3 years her senior are... um... hard-pressed to keep up with the microprocessor she has on board, I guess. But she's never snotty about it; it's just not her way. If anything, she's a little insecure. (For reference, in her graduation cohort year, there are about 300 kids. She's probably one of only two that are like her, and in the top 20%, there is definitely an 'enriched' group of higher LOG than the usual school sample.)
Last edited by HowlerKarma; 07/03/12 04:00 PM. Reason: to add info
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
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I do realize that we, to some extent, just lucked out b/c she could as easily have wound up in GT classes with older kids who still appeared slow to her. Remind me - did your DD skip around middle school? Mine hasn't yet found true peers among the 18-months-older group, and I don't know if it's an issue of the elementary being small (~70 kids per grade). Our middle school is bigger (~150 kids per grade), so I'm hoping she'll have better luck there. Yes, dd13 skipped 5th grade to start middle school, which is 6th-8th here, a year early. She's entering 10th grade in the fall. Her high school has about 500 kids per grade and her middle school had around 300 kids per grade, so I do think that the larger pool of kids improved the odds that she'd find someone who was more able than she is in at least one area. eta: I do also have to say that I owe a big debt of gratitude to the middle school GT coordinator who went way out of her way for dd. She checked with me every year at the end of the spring semester to hand pick the right teachers for dd and also to ensure that she was placed in classes with other kids who would be good fits for peers. I know that she doesn't do this for all of the GT kids so I do feel that she went out of her way for us. She was also the one who spearheaded the push to get dd skipped in the first place.
Last edited by Cricket2; 07/03/12 05:15 PM.
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Interesting stuff - glad to know its not uncommon - and I like the idea of giving him a script.
He is also in a gifted school, and there he doesn't say stuff like this, as far as I know, he says stuff like I am good at science and so and so is good at art or math. so he seems aware of others strengths. He is comfortable at school and does not feel odd. But even there he stands out - parents have said in his hearing that their kid think he's the smartest in the class (why do parents need to do that). And he LOVES being with older bright kids. Although the older kids - teens - especially want to do the show me thing that ColinsMum's DS reported. Plus they think he is cute and smart and just adorable. So he performs for them and they love it, not sure when he will have CM's DS's maturity to realize it wasn't the best idea. The problem sweet spot are his age mates or just slightly older but not necessarily gifted. So I think it's actually situational that he is trying to bolster himself outside his comfort zone which is school.
DeHe
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Her high school has about 500 kids per grade and her middle school had around 300 kids per grade, so I do think that the larger pool of kids improved the odds that she'd find someone who was more able than she is in at least one area. We have to get to the intermediate high (9th-10th) before we get 500 per grade, but then the high school's 1000 kids in a grade. That gave me a great idea, though - I think a request that she be in a class with someone who will give her a run for her money falls in the category of "might be honored." Certainly worth a try.
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Been there My kids have both gone through major bragging phases. It's interesting because one of the things that I've learned as I've gotten older is how much I DON'T know (I used to be really arrogant, lol). I can spend time with a person whose IQ is 40+ points lower than mine and still learn something from their perspective. This is what I've tried to teach my kids: It doesn't matter how "smart" you are - everyone has something to contribute. Also, anyone can say they're smart, but it's acting smart by making good choices that really counts. When they were too young to understand that, I'd simply say "bragging is rude - don't do it." When they'd ask why, I'd say "it makes other people feel bad and they won't want to be friends with you." My son seemed to accept this more readily than my daughter, who would get so caught up in the fact that her age peer didn't understand something, etc., that she didn't really hear me. Another thing I tried (this seemed to work better with my daughter) is to say that "different kids learn things at different times." For example, "you're further ahead in math than (insert name), but she's better at swimming than you are." THIS she accepted. I think it depends on how you view it as a parent. For instance, who gives a hoot about my IQ - the fact is, I'm terrified of heights, and of airplanes. Pilots and Flight Attendants A.M.A.Z.E me. I don't for the life of me know how they do it. How can I brag about some arbitrary cognitive test score when I turn into a blubbering mess at 100 feet off the ground? Good grief. Smarter is NOT always better. There's more to life than smart. "Yes you could play chess on your 6th birthday, but (insert name) has a beautiful voice... can we please stop talking about Chess for a minute so we can enjoy her singing?" That's the key I think - teach them that everyone has some kind of strength. Then it no longer comes across as bragging, but rather "sharing strengths."
Last edited by CCN; 07/03/12 07:27 PM.
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I like some of these suggestions. DS9 (with AS) tends to blurt out things about how smart he is, around new people, in case they haven't had a chance to see it yet. He's been helped in that by many kids and adults in the neighborhood, who started treating him like a circus act when he was 3 -- giving him bigger and bigger books to read to them, generally being amazed out loud. Just a few days ago, he was introducing me to the mom of a kid he met at VBS, and told her that I have two children, "one a genius, me, and the other a weird little girl." I was already trying to explain his AS, since her son wanted him to come over and play, so that served as a perfect example of "he just says whatever's on his mind." Arrrgh.
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Joined: Sep 2007
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I think that a boiled-down reason for not announcing "I am very smart" is that it also says "...and you are not very smart." The speaker may not have intended to make that statement, but that's not the point. The point is that this is actually a loaded statement that says more under the surface than it does on the surface. It can make others feel inadequate or lead them to believe that the speaker thinks he's better than they are. This makes them annoyed or angry, causes them to lose respect for the speaker, and it isn't nice, either.
It's normal for kids to not understand this idea. The job of adults is to help them learn the subtleties of communication and how to interact with others.
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I do think K and 1 are braggy ages. It was annoying to me in DD's peer group. I don't hear it nearly as much anymore.
Interestingly, we briefly had this issue (just a little; it was minor) but now have the opposite--DD says she is stupid, dumb, etc. (I don't think she believes this. She's fishing, but also has low self-esteem.)
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