Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy bracing myself for middle school

DD12 will be heading to a 7th grade gt class at the middle school next year. I want to do some reading on gifted adolescence as she heads into this new phase. I looked at Hoagies and googled the topic. I was overwhelmed by a sea of negativity including articles on depression, suicide, loss of self-esteem, crippling perfectionism, etc. Does anyone know of a good-overview of this topic that is not all doom and gloom? DD is pretty well grounded right now. Helpful hints about avoiding some of these other pitfalls is more what I am looking for.

Right there with you--dd11 (turns 12 in November) is skipping 6th and starting in 7th at the 6-8 middle school in August. I don't know of any overview--but I do think a kid who is pretty well-grounded can have a good experience.

I panicked for a second when I remembered how mean the girls were in 7th grade--but I think in my case it was because I was in the "popular" group. I don't think that the girls who were not in that group had the same negative experiences. Thankfully my dd could care less and really seems to be comfortable with who she is. I feel like she will be able to make friends in orchestra, in the academic bowl, in the drama club who she has stuff in common with. And maybe I am wrong, but I just don't remember the nerdy (nerdy in a good way!) theatre/band kids being mean to each other.

I like Rosalind Wiseman's approach to girl relationships/bullying if it were to become an issue.

James Webb has a good article somewhere on depression in gifted kids that (from what I remember) ended up being hopeful. I personally think that they are old enough to understand Dabrowski's TPD, and to understand that if they have angst it can serve a purpose.

I also really feel like re: self-esteem that a sport or activity that they are passionate about and can increase their competence through dedication and persistence and hard work is the key.

Very interested in hearing more.

My sweet dd. 5th grade graduation ceremony is tonight...she still has her AG dolls set up in her room and she still teaches them school and will be starting 7th grade in the blink of an eye. I shudder to think of what I was doing in 7th grade! (She is very mature but does still love her dolls--and I can't blame her, I would still like to play with them too!)

Anyway, thanks for bringing this topic up.

I've been lurking for a little while, but I thought I might post regarding girls and middle school.

I have two daughters, 11 & 13, who've been identified as gifted since second grade. The 11 year old will be going into 7th grade, and the 13 year old will be going into 8th grade this fall.

So far, both are doing well both socially and academically, and I think their success has been a mix of parental involvement, keeping them both busy, and constantly working on keeping channels of communication open within the family.

One thing I've noticed is that the typical mantra of public middle schools (we're in a high-ranked public school), is to let the kids be more responsible for themselves and to not do things like check their homework, assignments, etc. "Let them be independent" the principal admonished us the first day.

However, we've found that the girls do better if we do discuss what their homework is each night, because there's a tendency to form bad work habits or become careless if nobody is checking-and the teachers are not sticklers for quality or competency like we are.

Because they're so smart they can (and do) skate like crazy on raw brainpower alone, but at some point you have to develop good habits. Our argument with them has always been that putting in the time to check your work and work methodically will eventually make you that much quicker.

Middle school is where they really form their work ethic and how they tackle higher level thinking with tasks, and it's nonsensical to me that I should not be guiding the development of their processes at this point!

It's also a good excuse to have everyone sitting at the dining room table in the evenings, talking about the school day and going over the assignments-it gives a good opportunity to talk about some of the social or emotional issues they may be having at school. And being girls, there is always drama going on. And drama is valid and important, and talking about how they feel about stuff and possible solutions without necessarily judging is equally important.

There are some aspects of middle school we actively avoid-the school bus being one of them. One person trying to drive a bus cannot supervise 50 hormonal tweens and teens adequately, and the opportunity for, uh, yuckiness abounds. Same with multi-day school trips and some other school-oriented extracurricular activities. The expectation of care and supervision for these events is not what I would consider adequate, and the possibility of putting a serious dent in the developing psyches of my kids is not worth it.

Don't get me wrong-I'm not isolating them, but the school is there for academic resources, (which is what it does best)not extra-curricular socializing. It's like going to a McDonald's and ordering a salad-that's not why you go to a McDonald's-it's not what they do best.

They've chosen extra-curricular activities where being gifted really doesn't figure into the activity-like ice skating for DD13 and dancing for DD11. It gives them a chance to be challenged in an arena where they're on an equal footing with regular people, and where they can socialize without being idle. I think this teaches empathy and an understanding that they're not "better" than regular people.

Maybe the best advice I give to them is that being able to tough out the stupid, unfair, useless and boring aspects of school successfully is an achievement in and of itself.

Nobody's going to give you a medal or a certificate for it, but if you can hang tough when others can't deal or think it's beneath their abilities, you'll learn some important life lessons about the value of tenacity.

That being said, some of the neighborhood moms look at me like I've grown a third eye when I talk about school. They're amazed that I care so much-half of them don't know what classes their kid is in, how to access the online grades and assignments, what their kids' teachers names are, or that twelve year old Sally around the corner was giving a bj to 14 year old Bobby on the bus on the way home last week and it's up online now.

There's no one right answer to dealing with middle school and everything that comes with it, and we're constantly doing minor course-corrects when unexpected events happen. I think half the battle with middle schoolers is just being present, loving and available for them, and being clear on boundaries and expectations.

Even when you want to frickin' tear your hair out some days at the things they say .

I had to laugh at this one. I am relieved that budget cuts in our district have eliminated the bus route to our neighborhood. It literally is no longer an option. Unfortunately, I've heard that the kids who walk home get into similar types of trouble. We are working on a car pool with some other "involved" families.

Thanks for the calm, thoughtful response. I think that we are on track with the "keep her busy part." Also, she has some good friends who are a grade ahead. They've already told her to avoid the druggies that hang out on a certain side of the school. I keep thinking that if all of the kids know this why don't the adults?

"I keep thinking that if all of the kids know this why don't the adults?"

"constantly working on keeping channels of communication open within the family."

That's just it. Keeping the lines of communication open with kids of this age is hard work. Difficult to do within a family, even more difficult when your family has 130 children.

And honestly, there is quite a bit of resistance for that endeavor with some middle school teachers. The faculty where I teach is an odd mix of teachers with elementary school backgrounds and secondary school backgrounds. Some of them will tell you straight out that they are in the school to teach a subject, not do any of that "touchy-feely stuff".

Middle school is such an odd mix of juvenile, just right, and too-mature behaviors. The students are at an age where the opinion of their peers is becoming much more interesting and important to them than the opinion of adults--teachers or parents. And the students experience a real mix of expectations among their teachers, too. Some classes are rigorously precise and structured, others are maddeningly open-ended.

All that being said, the vast majority of students do what they are expected to do most of the time. Serious life lessons are learned, doors are opened, worlds are expanded, passions for learning are ignited, and personalities really begin to take shape.

I hated middle school so much as a student, I've been wondering how I ended up back there, and why I intend to spend the rest of my career there. Well, it's always interesting, and intense, and extremely important. Dabrowski might say it's a site of positive disintegration.

"That's just it. Keeping the lines of communication open with kids of this age is hard work. Difficult to do within a family, even more difficult when your family has 130 children.

And honestly, there is quite a bit of resistance for that endeavor with some middle school teachers. The faculty where I teach is an odd mix of teachers with elementary school backgrounds and secondary school backgrounds. Some of them will tell you straight out that they are in the school to teach a subject, not do any of that "touchy-feely stuff".

I agree with them. School is not your "family". Your family is your family.

I support the teachers who just want to teach and not do any "touchy feely" stuff. That's my job as one of their parents, and their job as a teacher is challenging enough as it is.

Their role as a teacher (in my opinion, of course) is to make sure the kids master the topics, and to have a fair understanding of their academic interests.

I was disappointed that this year's science teacher had no idea that my daughter was obsessed with genetics and wants to become a geneticist-that's something that she needed to be aware of, rather than "she's turning into a lovely young lady". I mean seriously, is that all you've figured out about my kid?

It drives my kids nuts when they ask them "how are you feeling today about your life" sort of stuff. They're like, can you just teach me the subject?

Personally, I try to keep the lines of communication open with my students in the hopes that, if a student is planning to bring a gun to school, one of the students who knows about it will tell me.

But it does take time away from teaching history, yes.