Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Age-Appropriate Expectations

Because I can explain things to, and reason with, DS2.5 in such detail (and him with me), I have been wondering if I also expect more decision-making capacity, follow-through, and/or emotional maturity from him than I should? Most of the time he seems to happily rise to the occasion, but every now and then we have these terrible moments and I think, "I must be crazy, he's only two!" The other day I caught myself saying, "Why are you acting like this? We talked about it and I explained that if you wanted to do x with the older kids, then you can't do y, or they won't play with you." 

I struggle with the reality that his comprehension and desires may (or may not) exceed his emotional capacity at that particular moment, depending on several (mostly unknown) variables. I'm guessing that this will improve as he gets older, but I'm curious how other parents determine what is an "age-appropriate" level of responsibility and behavior in an asynchronous child?

I wish DS had a little screen that flashed his "age" by activity with any necessary disclaimers: imaginative play 5, sharing capacity 2. Closely monitor all possible sword-touching. 

I just try not to think in terms of age, but watch my child instead. I don't have a silver bullet about how to do it! Maybe the closest I can come is that I try (not always totally successfully) to think in terms of process more than results, i.e. to think about what the next thing DS needs to work on is to get to the next level of responsible-ness, regardless of where he is in absolute terms.

However, one still has to choose what to take as a teachable moment and what to let go. It is tricky, because sometimes age-typical isn't the right aim. E.g., if he's going to talk with an adult vocabulary, it's incongruous if he's still interrupting like a 6yo, and it becomes all the more important that he doesn't.

Hi, Somerdai,
Your post reminds me so much of what we have done (and
continue to do!) with our DD8. If you have not read the
Misdiagnosis... book (James Webb), it might be something
for you to check out--we reinforce appropriate behavior
*all the time* with our DD, and I honestly do not think
she meets the criteria for any genuine diagnosis of
ODD, ADHD, or Aspergers, but (trying to be helpful here!)
if you are having to say that kind of thing all the time
you just might end up having difficulties with schools
or at least particular teachers. Forewarned is forearmed!
For your own future sanity, please check out that book,
or at least investigate at the Davidson's site, just
so you and your DS don't get taken by surprise when
he gets to school.

I think it is really easy to expect too much of our kids vecause they seem so much mire mature. They are still kids as well. We aim towards the age DS 4 mostly acts like (so higher expectations than 4) but if it is age appropriate behaviour eg meltdown because he is very tired then I (like to hope anyway) treat him like a 4 year old eg lots of cuddles and understand that it is reasonable etc. We found the book 'unconditional parenting' to be excellent.

I also try to do the "what's next" approach, but it's really hard. Especially with grammer, because he covers the gap between his articulatio and his language skills with habitual poor grammer (he knows the correct form, but sticksto the wrong form which is eadier to pronounce or more likely to be understood... except wher he actually doesn't know the righ t form, and I want to cath thse, arg.)

I find there's so much difference between individual temperments, I'm a bit skeptical of one-size-fits-all age-appropriate lists.

In any case, I'm always asking him to cut the 8 yr olds some slack on one thing and asking them to cut him some on another ting in one breath. I'll be checking back for brilliant solutions

Love this!!!!

I think this one is hard on several levels. A lady who was sitting on the bus in front of us the other day, turned and asked how old DD7 was. Then remarked she sounded like an adult. Which makes DH expect more out of her behavior than is reasonable. Because she is only 7 and will act silly and not have perfect table manners and do some gymnastics on the furniture. There is a part of her that is just a 7 year old.

We have a high energy kid so that makes it more difficult for him.

I had my parents telling me my girls are only what ever thier ages are. My parents have barely met my kids because we live on the oppisite coast. They got mad when I let my oldest start drinking from a sippy cup at 6 months, she asked the babysitter if she could have a cup. Seemed like the thing to do. They were upset when at 2 years old I expected the same child to make her bed. I didnt expect perfect but I did expect it to be done. I think for my older 2 girls atleast I do expect more from them than thier age suggest but like others have said I try to remember thier true ages and when they act those ages then I try to be as supportive as I would for another child that age. I have failed at this at times. When I do I am sure to tell my child I am sorry. That way they understand that adults make mistakes too.

Not only were we guilty of expecting our oldest, very verbal DD to act much older than her actual age, we were guilty of expecting her younger sister (who is almost the same height) to act that same age. Now that they are 13 and 10, I wish I could say things are different, but because they are usually so mature, it catches us off guard when they act their ages.

@ColinsMum - "...to think about what the next thing DS needs to work on is to get to the next level of responsible-ness, regardless of where he is in absolute terms." I really like that, and it's how I've handled his physical development, I just never thought of applying it to other areas. Thanks!

@Dbat - I recently bought the Misdiagnosis book and found it very helpful, also illuminating for my family tree. I have some concerns for DS, especially with school, but I'm just going to keep an eye on things and give him some time to mature.

@bobbie and trinaninaphoenix - I like what you said about having higher expectations, but still being supportive when they act their age.

@Michaela - "In any case, I'm always asking him to cut the 8 yr olds some slack on one thing and asking them to cut him some on another ting in one breath." I so know what you mean. I feel like I'm the translator/referee/facilitator for DS's social life.

@Wren - my DS is really high energy too, but he's little enough to get away with a lot of stuff right now... I wonder how things will be in the future, but I'm trying to postpone those worries for now.

@revmom - "...it catches us off guard when they act their ages." Yes, sigh. My parents expected a lot of me growing up, and for the most part, it was fine, but there were a few times I wish things had been different, which is what got me thinking about how I treat DS.

Thanks everyone!