Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion How open are you about your gifted kid(s)?

I've been having discussions abut this with a few friends and DH lately. One friend thinks being open and honest is the best way and if someone doesn't like it then that is their problem. She has no problem being totally open and honest about how far ahead her kids are and shares info on giftedness openly and readily, even if parents of ND kids are around. (I'm not bothered by it and appreciate how open she is.)

Another friend thinks parents should keep it to themselves and can't stand when someone says things openly. She thinks it is tacky, annoying, arrogant / braggy, etc.

My DH thinks that if you are too open about that stuff (as opposed to vague and humble about what your children are up to) that you will turn off other parents and isolate your kids because other parents won't want their children hanging out with yours. He thinks that if gifted kids all hang around their peers they won't develop the social skills necessary to deal with all kinds of people. (Though he can't explain why I still sometimes don't get how other people think even though I went to a regular school my entire life...)

Both of my friends and DH probably qualify as gifted, too.

It comes up in so many different ways. Like just wanting to share a proud moment or a good article you read.... or when you want to participate in a conversation about good toys or books for a certain age group. Or when you want to participate in a discussion about how to deal with challenging age appropriate behaviors (which your child is exhibiting very early). Everyone knows how old your child is and if you chime in then you are basically "bragging" that your child is ahead.

(I have gotten some very strange looks lately when someone asks me about baby signing and it comes up that we've done the ABC Signing Time DVD. I get the feeling that I'm coming off as a pushy and extremely delusional mom... but she memorized all the other DVDs and is now signing some of her ABCs. Should I just keep quiet? Probably.
I'm proud and excited when she does new things...I know no one else except best friends and relatives really care about what she is doing - other people are proud of their children and what they are accomplishing, which is as it should be - but they all still act proud of their children without fear of that "hothouse mom" response.)


How do you handle it?

Several parents of kids with disabilities were very open with me in describing their experiences and helping us navigate the school politics in pushing to get DD what she needed. At first, what she needed was gifted placement and a subject acceleration. The information I needed to make it happen came from parents of kids with severe learning disabilities, still struggling with basic math and reading. I am eternally grateful for their openness about their situations and their experience with the school administration.

As a result, I have taken a rather open approach in describing the placements of my kids and what it took to get them there. I am open when people ask me. I don't go around the school telling everyone what's going on with my kids, but if a parent is venting about their child's needs not being met, I will interject with "did you know that the gifted program requires..." or "if you want your child to skip a year in math, there's a form to fill out in the office and they will test your child." "Be aware that the school uses 'acceleration' to mean skip a year, and 'differentiation' to mean giving your kid stuff at their level in the classroom.""If your kindergartener is already reading at the beginning of the year, you might need to let the teacher know what books your daughter's been reading so that she can be appropriately tested." Things like that.

I don't particularly talk about having taken DD to a physics lecture at the university, though.

My daughter, almost 15, hates it when I discuss how smart she is with others. I used to be open about it, but have recently been trying to tone it down.

Is she at school or homeschooled?
I remember going to great lengths at 15 to project the "right" qualities. Smart wasn't on the list, unfortunately.

My twins are 12yo now, and honestly, there is so much else going on with them that it seems like less of an issue than when they were little. But when they were younger I bit my tongue sometimes to avoid blurting out things. It is hard not to tell everyone that your freshly turned 2yo is a reader!! We did share very selectively, but I have no regrets now about not sharing more widely - partly because I don't want the kids themselves (or others) to think their innate ability is what I appreciate/value most about them.

There was a similar thread recently I think entitled, "Why oh Why must I lie?" or something like that, that I found very comforting. IMO, you can 'brag' (discuss things spontaneously--that is, not solicited) here--on the ultimate brag thread or similar, without fear of repurcussions. In real life, there are often unexpected pitfalls--I have only very rarely openly discussed DD even in our family except with her grandparents (and it gets a little tricky, because there are other gifties and a bunch of very bright kids in the family, and some of the parents are pretty competitive). So actually apart from that, and some other 'giftie' parents, and trying to advocate with DD's teachers, I don't discuss it because it's just so difficult to have a positive outcome.

For me, it depends on how close I am to the person. I think that stems from me being just being a more private person than concerns over talking about giftedness. If someone just politely asks "how are the kids?". I will respond with something vague. Mainly because I doubt they really care to hear all the details.
For closer family and friends, I talk openly about it because they know him and know he isn't "normal".
Plus, since a lot of our friends and family were involved in different types of gifted programs as kids, it is nice to get their perspective.

I just read the Why oh Why thread and I noticed a number of people sort of downplay their child's skills by bringing up something they aren't good at. I have found myself doing that a few times and I end up feeling sick to my stomach and..dirty. It is like I'm putting down my own wonderful child to make someone else feel more secure. The few times I caught myself doing it, I told myself I would watch to make sure I didn't do it again.
What am I teaching my child about herself once she starts paying attention when I downplay her abilities?

Good point and well made. We all fall into the association/causation trap at times.

For me, it depends on how well they know DD. If they know her pretty well, I'm open about it, because there's no sense in treating it like a dirty little secret, they'll find out eventually anyway.

If they don't know her particularly well, and there's no other reason to be discussing specific abilities, I might say she does very well at school, and leave it at that. If I'm in casual company and feel the need to talk up DD, I'm more likely to talk about how she makes me laugh, how we enjoy spending our time together, or how she's into so many different things.