Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Do You Brag (Or Do Your Friends Think You Do?)

I was hoping for a good discussion, and i have not been disappointed!

Ok. For the record, I call my vehicle a Pilot. Not because I want to brag or point out what I drive but because I live in a house with two college kids and a husband who all have vehicles and it just seems bit clunky to say, "Your dented used to be white foreign made sedan is blocking my somewhat newer blue rather large vehicle that can seat eight" rather than, "Your Camry is blocking my Pilot". No bragging - just what it is.

If someone else overhears me and chooses to feel envy over the fact that I drive a Pilot, that is their choice based on their value system and whether they've had victory over their own nature to not be satisfied with their own vehicle or lack of one. I cannot control their emotions or assumptions, but I can be delicate - which is different than pretending I drive a junker so they don't feel bad. Saying something like, " the parking lot at the school in my neighborhood is full of muscle cars, Hummers, Beemers and Porches" would be boasting about financial status.

I think the same is true for us as parents of kids who often have the equivalent of the Ferrari of IQ's. If we are boasting, it is not only indelicate but cruel. But to pretend our kids are like the old VW minivan of IQ's is dishonest and can make our kids think we're ashamed of who they really are.

So this example is chock full of holes, I am sure. But This entire conversation has helped me understand that to some degree I've been guilty of hiding who my kid is - to the detriment of their own perception of their own value,

Why is it okay to brag about sports related abilities and not about intelligence?

Well, it would bother me. In the same sense that I'm not going to deliberately make my daughter out to be more than she is, I'm not going to make her out to be less than she is, either.

Besides, how would it be when it makes the rounds of the office that my daughter....., she comes to visit me at work, and someone makes an unthinking comment?

My statement isn't about kids with special education needs, it's about gossip and the common stereotypes about kids with special education needs, but as the listener you're free to find offense wherever you like, and thanks for illustrating my point.

Well, sports prowess is visible and relatively easy to measure in essentially an objective manner.

Intelligence is more fluffy, without clear boundaries to measure.

Plus, intelligence relates to the inner experience of individuals, not to the outer world of that is visible and basically sensible to all.

So you live in a magical realm where if the words "special needs" were used, nobody in a large office would associate that terminology with an offensive stereotype?

Because if you live in the world the rest of us live in, then I find the act of pretending offensive stereotypes don't exist to be offensive.

ColinsMum--well, with these books, I do know other kids who've read them and liked them so my words would be based on more than just my DD (who hasn't read them, actually!) I guess the example is a somewhat inapplicable one because I know both series. I would be more careful with books I didn't know--for instance, DD is reading Inkheart, which might also be good for a kid who likes HP, but I can't recommend it because I haven't read it and really can't comment more than vaguely on it.

FWIW, this all pretty much happened to me last summer, when DD was really crazy about a series and talked about it endlessly such that I mentioned it on FB when she wrote fanmail to the author. Some friends with kids the same age went out and checked out the book, thinking DD's recommendation was worth following. I then got comments on "Uh...my kids cannot possibly read that book. Now I have to read it aloud to her." So...once bitten, twice shy.

FWIW, I have used the phrase "special educational needs" to describe my DD. However, I feel it's risky, because people may well eventually find out that she goes to a gifted school, and then I look possibly...weird, to some people, I think. I would really only use it to someone who is unlikely to learn the actual situation.

I don't know about Iucounu, but I'm sure nobody in my large office building would associate "special needs" (or "special educational needs" which was the term actually used - there is a difference) with an offensive stereotype.

How do you think any often-stereotyped group gets *out* of a state in which some ignorant people stereotype them offensively? I'd have thought, by more sensible people showing that they're happy to be associated with the group, e.g., not inclined to hide that their children are in it.

My son has special educational needs, and I'm happy to say so. (Not disinterestedly, of course - where I live, other special educational needs are typically better catered for than giftedness, so making the point that giftedness is a SEN has several benefits.)

Er... I don't know any adult that associates "special educational needs" with derogatory stereotypes. Not a single one.

If I worked in an office where that would be the expected response, I would most definitely find another job.