Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion A vent- totally annoyed today

Oh man, I got annoyed today! I had a dr appointment for a refill on my migraine meds. So we live on a small island and of course I am am friends with my doc, so it took 2 seconds and then we were just sitting visiting, and of course well the topic veered to DD. Seriously how come no one gets it? She knows DD, gets how different she is, but for some reason, I "should put DD in school next year" even though the school has already evaluated her, told me that they will "never be able to do anything academically for her," and that "gifted kids sometimes just have to be miserable in the elementary years." Even being told by their own developmental psy that if they were going to not do anything academically they at least needed to help her socially which would still include at least a grade skip, they refuse. Needless to say, I don't have much hope working with them, the gifted quote was off the record by the so called gifted coordinator for the district- (she does nothing but a few extra projects for the highschool kids, and is actually the ESL teacher) My friend/doc knows all this but still, thinks DD should be in K next year in this environment with no acceleration, no differentiation, just so that she can learn patience with the kids her age (something she gets plenty in her other activities daily) and so I can have "Alone time".

I was so frustrated. I definitely felt like it was overstepping a boundary since it was still somewhat in the doc/patient relationship. But I think I was more upset because it just reminds me how much people don't get my daughter. It just seems to imply dh and I don't agonize over everything we do as parents to nurture this sweet child we have been given. I want the best for my daughter, so of course I think out, reason, second guess every decision I make. And it was frustrating. I have seen dd frustrating in the preschool setting for the same reason she did not thrive at all, so we removed her and she has thrived. I remember my school experience before I received the appropriate acceleration and gifted program, and I cried everyday. I don't want that for her, and it would be nice if people respected my decision.

Okay, I know, long and random vent, but I was just really frustrated. Anyway, my head is hurting and I am headed to bed, but this is really the only place I could share and have people possibly understand.

If you read this, thanks for listening

It sounds like the doctor's comments were based on two things. First, her conception of homeschooling may include the notion that it's negative regarding the child's socialization (this is a common idea about homeschooling that is sometimes a total misconception, but she may feel more justified in holding it due to the smaller local population, especially if everyone else puts their children in school during the day). Second, she may feel that you are overly stressed out over your daughter's intellect and education, and may feel that instead of putting so much focus on that, you yourself would be better served by turning your focus a bit elsewhere, especially if she links your interests to the migraines (hence the "alone time" comment).

She can't be faulted for holding her opinions, but you and she seem to have different boundaries for what's acceptable during a doctor's visit. I think that master of none's advice is spot on. You can make a deflecting and noncommittal sort of response, but if you don't want your doctor making such comments, knowing now how she feels, you might try explicitly setting some boundaries with her. Even if you're friends outside of the office, you can gently tell her that you'd like to keep your doctor's visits focused just on medical issues regarding your own care. Another thing to try is to put less information about your daughter "out there", at least with this particular person, which would make it less easy to bring up in conversation. She might still try to sneak in a comment or two, but if so, I don't know what you can do besides try to switch doctors, which might be difficult due to where you live.

I, too, have been frustrated by off the cuff comments that seem to imply that we haven't thought our decisions through, when we agonized over them.

1)"We really just have to do what works for her, and we feel confident about our decision";

2)I have made a solemn vow to never second-guess anyone else's educational choices for their kids again--AND I am vocal about that whenever something even close to that topic comes up. "Well, since having DD, I've really realized that you just have to look at the individual kid...Well, I know charter schools are controversial, but I've realized that kids really need options since having DD...Well, homeschooling would be hard for us, but since having DD, I've realized...." I figure if I keep saying this over and over again, people will realize that I am sick of being challenged on the subject!

I think one thing to keep in mind is that many folks will never come into close contact with a HG/PG child. They will, however, probably meet several 'smart' kids. It's pretty hard, I think, for someone to really understand a HG/PG child if they've never been exposed to one, it's easier to think the parents have inflated opinions of their child.

This is one of the main reasons DS8 is taking the WJIII. So that we have something more concrete than everyone just agreeing that "he's so smart!" and not wanting to do anything about it.

We have had a few run ins with DW's relatives over stuff like this. We explain our reasons. After a while they get the message.

What is funny, is that after taking care of him for a day, some of the more vocal ones have stopped making comments about what we should do. LOL.

Mr W's pediatrician has been great. She came right out and told us we had to do thing differently.

Same here. My mother-in-law openly scoffed for a while, because she wasn't around him that much early on, and I think that a lot of it was unfortunately motivated out of emotional loyalty to her other grandchildren. No longer.

Thanks y'all! I am much better today. I love my friend/doc and after thinking about it, I think 2 things are going on. One, she is not a mom. She hasn't had kids yet and really can't imagine life with kids, how being a mom feels, and how I changes things. It's hard to understand how agonizing decisions each decision is and how you always second guess yourself as a parent if you aren't one.
2, I think it is just the common misconceptions about homeschooling also at ay here coupled with the lack of understanding of hg/pg kids. For a small place we actually have a lot of community programs dd is involved in and have an active group of homeschooler ( probably helps that Alaska gives you quite a bit of money for homeschooling).
She's coming over Sunday to the house and I think I am just going to tell her in a very nice way how I took her comments (seconding guessing the decisions dh and I have agonized over) and explain that in being a parent you always will do it is diffcult for you to hear a remark that implies you haven't. I feel like I need to at least sort out to agree to disagree with her as she is the doc dd sees as well. And I don't want dd picking up on her feelings and getting the impression that their is anything wrong with the way she is.
Again, thanks!

Ps typed on my phone so their may be typos! Lol

I would definitely try this approach with your Doc-friend. Perhaps she can bring over some of her school books and do an little sample of teaching about what she knows.

Anyway, glad to hear you are feeling better!
Grinity

Am
I am glad you are feeling better!

I would really like a moratorium on this idea that kdis should be miserable because jobs are boring, life is boring, etc. Bah! I am so tired of this answer - my job doesn't suck every minute of the day and if it did I would find something else to do. It is so depressing to think that it is acceptable to say kids should be bored or unhappy as a learning experience as if how you spend your day is akin to eating a vegetable you don't like!

What is a vent based on a vent?

DeHe

Your friend isn't a parent yet, she's never homeschooled, and she hasn't parented your child. I've found that people like to talk about the children they meet, and there are people who like to give advice - maybe because your friend also happens to be a dr she's prone to enjoying giving out advice Although it wasn't the same advice, we've run into this situation with parents in things other than just gifted parenting - one for instance is having children come into your family through adoption. People who are not part of our immediate family have felt completely free to offer up all kinds of advice ranging from silly to clueless to downright horrid things to say in front of the very children they are giving us parenting advice on. Moving on from the gifted comments and the adoption comments, way back to when my ds was only a few months old, he had a very large head. You can't believe the comments complete strangers, and even the nurse at the hospital, had to say about his very large head!

The thing I eventually started doing was just not sharing much unless there was a reason to share, and when people I don't know well comment on things they are clueless about I just ignore, move on to a different topic of conversation. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter much what anyone else thinks about your choices for your childrens' education, and it doesn't really matter if they realize what an amazingly smart child you have (unless they are administrators at a school you want to get your child into lol!) - what matters is that you make the best decisions you can based on what you know about your child. Feel confident in that, enjoy your friends for the reasons you became friends to begin with, and ignore the rest

Best wishes,

polarbear