Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school What strangers say?

Thanks for the reminder about why I never enjoyed mommy-groups when my kids were young.

I came to the decision early on that I was going to put my kids' perception of my words before that of strangers. I didn't want my kids growing up embarrassed or intuitively thinking something was wrong with them because of my hiding their successes from others. Not that I didn't teach my kids to be sensitive to the feelings of others or to develop empathy, patience, etc., but I didn't want them hiding who they were, either.

VWMommy I read the blog and most of the comments. Pretty sad indeed. There are significant misunderstandings about what it means to be gifted, and I think the real take away, in line with some of the comments here, is that parents of gifted kids need to be pretty careful about how they discuss this with others.

ABQMom, Dude, louconu and others, like you, I care more about what my kids will think and feel from what I am saying than how a stranger may or may not feel. Hence, the need for a public game plan. Thanks again!

The article isn't nearly as sad as the comments, which serve to prove my earlier point.

- "I have a relative who has a very high IQ and she has never worked a real job in her life."
- "some people get to be so smart they don’t have the sense to come in out of the rain."
- "I have a family member who is very intelligent, extrmeely well read but has absolutely no common sense."

Ug. I am glad I am not that woman's "friend."

I generally just smile and say "thank you" or some generic response about how my kids are busy little people. Unless someone really inquires I'm not going to say anything more. I recently had a friend start asking questions but in a sincere way so I have begun to open up to her more about my kids.

That article is pathetic. I'm pretty disappointed that Baby Center allowed her to publish it.

I learned early on to just say "thank you" and move on. If it is a friend that makes a remark I do not make a big deal of it and try to change the subject.

Reading that blog and the comments makes me extremely...ummm...sad....Not sure what the emotion is but let's just say I am not in a good mood right now. Like Sunday-Driver said, really reminds me of the effect of discussion my gifted child with anybody, really, even close friends and maybe even family. VERY, VERY sad indeed..

Now, I do think that the word "gifted" is being thrown around a bit too much nowadays. There was a poll at Babycenter.com where I think about 70 % (Not certain about the exact number) of the parents thought their child was gifted...That makes it hard for the legitimately gifted kids and their parents to get ANY understanding from the general population.

But, didn't you hear? "Everyone is gifted in their own special way"!

Joyce Slaton is obviously an insecure person. She wanted a gifted child so she could make a more positive assessment of her own self-worth, but didn't get one. Now every time she is faced with a gifted child's accomplishment, it makes her miserable. She placed a high value on intelligence until she had a child that wasn't remarkably bright. Now she is trying to convince herself that there are more important things... and there are, but what she really wanted was a smart kid.

Guess what Joyce, I hate hearing about the accomplishments of non-gifted children. Do the parents even notice that I fall silent and get downcast, listening? I try not to let it show. I know the parents are just excited and proud, and maybe I’d feel the same way if it was socially acceptable to discuss my child's accomplishments. I don't tell them that my younger child passed the same milestone long ago. I smile and say "Wow. That's great!" and change the subject quickly, in order to avoid being cornered into a situation where I would have to lie to avoid raining on their parade.

I also hate hearing about the imagined short-comings that people pretend afflict most of the gifted population. My daughter is healthy with no known allergies, amazingly cute, amazingly bright, and amazingly well behaved (98% of the time). She is shy around people initially, but it passes. Why is it so important for others to believe that she is deeply flawed in some way? I don't desire to find flaws in other people's children, and I don't appreciate such a sentiment when directed at my child.

Having said that, I'm against bragging. It only serves to inflate one's own ego, and this is usually done at the expense of others. I suppose I'm guilty of some hiding, but there are limits to what I will do to accommodate the egos of other parents. Like others here, I wont give my children the impression that they have anything to be ashamed of.

I think the best thing to do is just live and be yourself. When someone notices that you are different (or your child is different) you can acknowledge that fact, but in a way that sends the message "we can still be friends."

Epoh, haha! That's RIGHT!

Well said DAD22. I actually had a friend tell me this afternoon, after telling me about her nephew being smart, "isn't that how it is...giftedness and being borderline idiotic go hand in hand". I felt like saying "Did you just say my son is an idiot??" Actually I have a completely fine, loving, fun, 4 year old that just happens to want to learn about everything under the sun and does so with ease....

Also agree that people that have "normal" kids are "closet wishers" that they had a smart kid. The way they make it all better is to do a 180 and not put any importance into it anymore. Had another friend say out of the blue, there had been no discussion about my son at all at that time "That's why I just want my kids to be normal. It is always the smart kids that get into a car accident the day before they go to Harvard" I can't tell you how much that bothered me. But I guess they have to think and say whatever makes them feel better about their situations...

Master of None, I agree with you as well. Like I said before, these people have no idea what a gifted child really is. And I do think the fact that the word "gifted" is being abused has a lot to do with them being turned off to the whole thing. Kind of like "Cry Wolf"...and the parents of the real gifted kids are paying the price.

WOW. I can't believe this person didn't stop to think that telling a parent that, essentially, their kid has a higher likelihood of getting killed before adulthood than other children would upset them.

It would probably be *really* tacky to point out that all the teens who get killed shortly before they were going to start remedial classes at the community college probably don't get quite the same amount of sympathetic press, so I won't do that...