Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Good sport turning into a poor sport

DS3 is REALLY into chess--I mean, really into it. He easily will play 2 hours a day if someone will play with him. We have sort of followed a policy of not playing our hardest against him but also not always letting him win by any means. Recently he's gotten better and has actually beat me a few times (note: I am really, really bad at chess and routinely leave pieces undefended). It may be that we made too big a deal out of this (I don't think I made a very big deal, but maybe), because whereas he used to be a cheerful loser, now he seems excessively invested and freaks out not only when he loses but sometimes if he loses important pieces. We always offer him the option to be allowed to win anyway, but I don't really want to go to a place where we "take it back" if we take a piece and he freaks out or where we avoid taking any powerful pieces. This is particularly true when he plays with DD7--I don't think it's very fair for her to have to play a game where she only can take pawns.

So far I have been putting the game away if he freaks (we're talking full-on weeping tantrum) and telling him we can play again later when he's calm. This doesn't seem to be having much effect.

Thoughts? I know he CAN be okay with losing, so I feel like it's not too advanced an expectation, and anyway he has the "let me win" option already. Am I being too hard on him? Should we go to playing a really weak game against him? I cannot overemphasize how excited he is about the game generally. It may be that this new tendency to freak out has nothing to do with him beating me and more to do with him just getting more intense about it. FTR, he is by far the less intense of my children, so these moments don't pop up much with him. I would say his most recent chess freak-out was one of the longest of his life.

I remember DS doing a similar "backwards" step. I'm afraid I put the game away and got it out again two years later, but it sounds as though that may not suit your situation! Brainstorming, some ideas, although I expect you've tried some or all of them:

- play in teams, e.g. you and him against DD7. You generally catch his errors, but from time to time, model an appropriate reaction to making an error

- let him play against a computer chess game (maybe one with an "undo"!)

- encourage him to play against himself, e.g. setting up and thinking about positions from a beginner's chess book

- offer to play him, but on the explicit understanding that the first time he makes any kind of fuss you (or DD) will go and do something else (and do it, without any remonstration or second chances)

- offer to play him with him being allowed to swap sides with you (or DD) at any time of his choosing

- offer to play him with him having the advantage, e.g. you (or DD) are one or a few major pieces down at the start of the game

- get him to practise good behaviour in competitive games he cares less about and then try to transfer it.

I don't personally like it when adults let children win (beyond the usual lack of concentration that can happen naturally) and I do personally insist on good behaviour at games as much as I possibly can, even if it means they don't get to play if they can't behave.

I agree with this also and it's worked out great with DD, who is an admirably good sport 99% of the time (and she almost always loses at chess club). But it obviously isn't working with DS!

Your ideas are good. I encouraged him to play against himself this morning after ending a game when he freaked, and he did do so for a while. I like the idea of offering to switch sides or of starting with a handicap. You know, he also is not like this with other games--just chess.

This may actually be a sign that he is getting more mature, not less. He is still only 3, and disappointment is awfully hard to take at that age, particularly when it blindsides you. He may be starting to actually set up series of combination moves and plans of attack several moves in advance, and when he loses a piece that was integral to his plans, suddenly he is faced not only with the prospect of potentially losing the game (which may or may not really bother him), but with the sudden and irrevocable loss of the beautiful thing that he was building. Just finding out that it was flawed and not the marvelous and elegant strategy that he thought it was could really feel heartbreaking.

Having him play variations, playing against a computer with an "undo" function, and having him show and tell you what he had had planned might help. Asking him if he is sad, or angry, or disappointed and letting him know that you understand how he feels when his plans don't work out might help stop or prevent the "freak-out". Sometimes kids just don't have access to the words to communicate their feelings once they get upset at this age (even if they have them when they aren't upset), and having a parent provide the scaffolding to help them communicate can be really helpful. I would agree that a full-blown tantrum would be the signal to stop the game for a little while so that he can regain some calm and self-control. I'd make sure that you recognize and praise his self-control and good sportsmanship when he loses a piece (even a pawn) and holds it even somewhat together.

What a great point--you may well be right. I will talk to him about it, too. And yes, right, good point about congratulating him when he holds it together.

When you say "no effect" - what is his response.

One thing you may want to try is talking BEFORE the game about what to happen if he starts to feel upset. Give him a very specific thing to do - if we start to feel upset we will, stand up, take a deep breath and stretch. If we lose we will say "good game" and shake hands. Role play these activities and then model them in game. Talk through it aloud "I notice I'm getting stressed, I'm going to stand up and breath, please do it with me." If he gets into the habit then when you see when the game is going to take a bad turn you can encourage this. And, of course, really notice when he handling it well.

Also, I will say that personally if I start to see really intense energy around an activity like this I'm okay with talking about how that isn't healthy and letting it go for a bit. For sure I would have limits about how much it is happening particularly with any software. Burn out is a real issue and it is important early on to focus on balance in life.

Mr W had and still has some issues with transitions like this not only in games but in other areas.

If we have a bad moment, that night use his stuffed toys to model good and bad behavior by having them act out the various roles. If we have time, I sit down with him and we reverse roles and go over the incident.

Some of this is maturity. But the underlying reason from Mr W's words is that he becomes that piece.

He just continues to cry and ask to be allowed to keep playing. Then he immediately starts asking to play again once the game is put away.


Good idea, though I fear it may not have much effect. We already do "shake hands--good game," which he used to be quite cheerful about.

He is naturally limited in that I don't enjoy the game and will generally only agree to play once per day. (I'll play other games, which don't arouse the same hysteria.) DD may also play once with him on days she is available. He doesn't use the computer, so he has to wait for a real live human.

Another incident this morning. He and DD had agreed ahead of time to play to a draw. I reviewed things he could do if he got upset and he agreed that the game would go away if he freaked out. He was about to turn a pawn into a queen (something he loves to do) when DD captured it. Kapow--freakout. We tried deep breathing but he just wasn't able to chill. Game got put away.

I wonder if we need to just avoid the game for a while, or only allow him to play solo. Feeling sad. We are visiting family at Christmas and everyone was looking forward to lots of chess.

Also, fwiw, he said it wasn't about not winning--he just really really wanted to get a "rook-queen."