Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school My Son the Clam

Actually, I think that the older of his two teachers knows he's "advanced", if not gifted. She and I have had a couple of conversations that indicates she knows we have him there for learning to get along well with others. We've offered to send him with some workbook pages and they have said they appreciate that offer, but so far, he's being kept busy with activities.

If it weren't for that teacher's comments to me about homeschooling him, and how "smart" he is, I would wonder the same thing, Grinty.

It's still only October, so who knows what's down the road? His reticence about sharing his day may morph into something else entirely later.

Even being specific will get the "I don't know" answer. What's interesting is he will sometimes tell me about things he did at school last week, but not the same day.

It's like he has to "chew on it" for awhile. LoL

I'll try the bedtime thing. Maybe being relaxed will loosen his tongue.

Hi Ametrine,

I started a different post about it this in a different thread, but I think you described it better than I did. Dd is much the same, though nearly 6 now. She will clam up UNLESS she did something she really considers valuable and interesting, in which case she will chat about at length (we are the same, specific questions draw nothing other than 'I can't remember' unless she's excited by it). We're slowly working out what dd needs accommodation wise, and as we do that, she is increasingly chatty about her day.

I think realistically, even (perhaps particularly) in a setting where you're hoping for social rather than academic engagement, unless there is something for a gifted kid to really get their teeth in to there's not that much for them to say - because frankly not that much ineteresting (by their standard) happened.

Re 'not performing', dd is the same. She just won't do it. Ask her a question in public she's known the answer to for years and she'll either not respond at all or say's she doesn't know. I suspect in dd's case that it is largely because she's been a novelty for other people since she was a baby and yet this doesn't fit with her own experience as a whole person (sorry, that sounds a bit trite, but I feel quite sure that this is part of dd's experience). These kids are so much more than just the 'smart kid' and yet that becomes their identity outside their family (or at least they are aware that they are different and that 'knowing stuff' is part of that). I think (and this is just my opinion) that being quizzed (even re sometimg mundane) becomes a source of pressure because their ability to respond is where their value to others ends up lying (or at least that's where the child perceives it as lying) and yet it's not really who they are. They sense it, but they're too young to understand it. Put any amount of perfectionism on top of this and it becomes 'a big deal' to respond - even to something simple.

I am prepared to conceded that I may well be reading WAY too much into age appropriate shyness. I just know that my kid, when she's comfortable, never stops talking about stuff - facts/fantasy/random stuff . When she knows she is accepted she loves her ability to think. When she thinks it matters, she's not sure who she's meant to be.

Sorry to have rambled... Long day... Apologies if I've made no sense!

But isn't that what their future holds? "Performing" is expected throughout life. I have to wonder if our job as parents in this case includes teaching them that even if it's annoying to answer once again, they must do so when asked.

Oh yes, I agree. But I think it's incredibly overwhelming if your ability to perform is all anyone sees in you - normal kids are more likely (I feel) to be viewed as a whole package. They're valued as friends, their class contribution is valued on the basis of effort than accuracy, expectations placed on them are realistic. Some failure is expected and so you can risk putting yourself out there. Your behaviour is just your behaviour, it's less likely to be seen as related to your label. People expect GT kids to be right all the time, sometimes the kids don't really understand what is being asked of them, if they are being asked in a public setting there can be (or at least they might perceive there to be) social consequences and so on (as is a common example, dd refused to read to me in preschool in case any other kids noticed).

(of course I am making massive generalizations here)

I didn't mean to explain it away as 'unfixable' and therefore to just leave it. I'm just talking about where I think it comes from. I think it is one of the reasons finding the right setting is so important, as well as taking other steps to help build resilience and reduce perfectionism. I think it will be a slow process for dd and if I'm honest sometimes I feel really frustrated when it happens - which I am aware just places more pressure on dd. But my frustration is invariably because her lack of response shows me up or makes me feel embarrassed because of how I might be perceived as a result of her lack of performance - I don't presume to assume that it is the same for you - but for me, I find that knowing that all those factors play in to it in our case helps me put it in to some perspective.

I am hoping that as time goes by, that as we slowly get the accommodations dd needs, that as dd has more opportunities to discover that not perfect is ok and that speaking up will likely pay off more often than not, that we will - over time - get somewhere. Your son is very young. There is lots of time to learn to perform - but I feel they need know it's safe to do so and ultimately to find that safety from some intrinsic source. How exactly one reaches that point, I don't know. And let's face it - there are lots of ways to perform in life that having nothing to do with being able to respond well to verbal quizzing.

In terms of getting teachers to see, that it where I've always found a portfolio of work to be really useful. And by knowing that dd won't necessarily demonstrate her abilities I plan for that in my advocacy. Is he generally introverted? Googling some stuff on introversion might be helpful too - there are may ways in which the traits of introversion (not responding well to being put on the spot is one of them) are positives.

It is frustrating and I absolutely know how you feel - especially when you're trying to get accommodations or support from others. Good luck! And thanks for the thread - it's helped my think through my own thoughts on our own situation!

My DD is always tight lipped about her day in preschool. I think by the time I pick her up, she is tired and just needs time to recharge without thinking and talking. It's the only time she is ever quiet.

Ametrine
If what you are seeing is from performance issues than in the suggestions about asking questions will help. Our teachers used to send home a what we did this week newsletter to help parents ask targeted questions. Oh, what color was the duck you painted kind of thing. I found that could be helpful.

But like kcab and grinity say the real question is - are you asking this question because you are concerned he doesn't show what he knows or because you are worried the environment is wrong. I had my ds in a preschool which over the course of the year went from great to wholly inappropriate due to his exponential change in LOG. We were limited in options both to get him somewhere else and to get the teachers to understand. I was slow to understand because DS was relatively silent such when he finally shared how the kids were treating him it was a shock and turned out to be very difficult to undo.

You sent him there for socialization, maybe you need to ask questions about that. Are the kids playing with him, do they understand what he is saying, are they interesting to play with.For my DS the answer to those q's was all no - the teachers solutions to it was to think DS needed to modify his behavior and to some extent who he was - it wasn't until we got to camp this summer at another preschool that we realized he could have been helped in a much more substantive way which built up his self esteem rather than damaged it.

So as with anything parenting, could be something, but could be nothing, just a phase or a clue to a larger picture he can't verbalize yet. Just my depressing 2c!

DeHe

Giftodd,

Thanks for your response. I think you helped me to sort through it more, too.

DS is not generally an introvert, but it could be he will act different in an academic setting...at least until he learns it's a safe place to speak up. It's my hope that will be his experience, anyway.

I guess I'm asking because he doesn't show what he knows when specifically asked. But I suppose that concern is magnified because this is the first school environment I have had him in (no daycare, etc.), and I have no idea if it's going to be right for him.
Your suggestion to ask him about how his day playing went is so obvious, I'm embarrassed I didn't think of it. I will do that!
Thanks~

Sneaky...I like it.