Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Dealing with siblings

This may be a little disjointed, so please bear with me as I try to talk through what's clumping up in my head...I could use some of the wisdom that's always so freely on tap here!

List of disjointed but related thoughts:
* I was thinking last night about Grinity's note that my DS3.5 may be GT, too, and how DS3 just doesn't seem *AS* GT as DS6 to me.
* Then I was thinking about siblings not being able to participate in the DYS activities. Logical, sensible, necessary...but potentially difficult.
* Earlier this week, a friend was asking me what we're going to do with DS3 for school: HS or public school? I'm still really up in the air--and naturally, a lot could change between now and 3 years from now!--but I know he'd be a lot harder for me to teach than DS6, so my first inclination is public school...even as I keep HSing DS6.
* Finally, I was trying to explain DYS to DS6 (with DS3 listening) without making it sound like I think DS6 is "the smart one."

My point to all of this? I adore both my kids and I think they're both wonderful and special in their own ways. But I also KNOW that they're very different and they will not always need/get the exact same treatment, not even from me.

Now you know and I know that this is normal and healthy. But from a child's point of view, if I teach DS6 but not DS3--even if that's what's best for each of them--doesn't that seem like less love for DS3? If DS6 is in DYS and DS3 isn't, doesn't that make DS6 seem like "the smart one," no matter what skills and talents DS3 has? I don't want to limit DS3 *OR* DS6 like that, but I fear they're going to think that I am or that they will limit themselves.

My own baggage: to this day, my parents try to do things EXACTLY the same for my (unmarried, with no kids) sister and I, to the point of giving us most of the same gifts for Christmas. If they give/loan one of us money, they offer the same amount to the other daughter. I don't think this is very effective, but I have a lot more sympathy for the strategy now that I'm facing the problem myself. If everything is the same, it's hard to argue that it's not equal...even if it isn't!

I guess my real question is this: With one HG+ child and a younger one who might not be quite as GT, how do you keep things healthy?

One other thought: I had a cat who was the sweetest cat you could ever have. "P" was a runt, and she used to "nurse" on my earlobe as she snuggled up to me. It was just the most tender thing. But she was brain-damaged due to lack of oxygen at birth in addition to various problems related to being the runt, so she wasn't the brightest bulb in the box. Her brother cat and I had to clean her, because she forgot to do it. Not your typical cat. But I just adored her!

I took her to the vet for a problem related to her not-smartness, so I told the vet that she was the sweetest cat ever, but that she was not smart. The vet looked at me like I was evil! How could I say that about my beloved pet! As if I were insulting P.

No, I was just describing P. Accurately, I might add. It didn't mean I loved her any less. It just meant I understood her. (BTW, the indignant vet did a feline intelligence test on P: she folded her ear back and observed how long it took her to flip it back upright. The smartest cats won't let you flip it back at all, and the longer it takes, the less smart the cat. The vet waited 30+ minutes, and P never corrected the ear. The vet finally felt bad for P and corrected it herself. She sheepishly admitted this to me and said I was right. I loved the vet for that!)

Anyway, that's kind of how I feel about this situation, though naturally DS3 is probably at least vanilla GT, and is certainly not brain-damaged. But I feel like in seeing him as he is, it may seem like there's some negative judgement attached that I don't intend.

Long story, but maybe it helps to illustrate my sense of the situation.

Oh, and I intend to have DS3 assessed when he gets past the 4yo hump. We'll see how fast he flips his ear up then, I guess!

Oh, Kriston. I wish I could help. I'm an only child w/ an only child, so I don't have the kind of insight you need. However, I'm glad that you have friends in this forum with similar issues and experience.

One thing I do know is that your questions and concern are signs of a good momma.

You make me smile. Thanks!

My pleasure. You know I'll be rallying the troops on this forum as DS2 gets older. I'm flying by the seat of my pants in the "how to parent" department.

Lots of chocolate for you and your friends today.

Chocolate back at you!

Kriston,

My older brother would have thrived homeschooled. He didn't get that chance. But if I had had to be homeschooled because I him, I would have been miserable and I would have made the lives of those around me miserable too. If he had been homeshooled and I gone to PS, I imagine that I would have thought happily going off on the bus each morning, "Poor big brother he has problems in school, so he can't go. he has to stay home. Lucky me, I'm going to school!" LOL.

LOL, acs!

Unfortunately, I don't think that would be the case here. DS3 is only in half-day preschool 3 pms per week, and he's already resisting, in part "because DS6 doesn't have to go." I think DS3 is an extrovert, but he's also a real fan of home and his own stuff.

It doesn't help that the boys are joined at the hip the rest of the time. You'd think it would be a good thing that they usually get along pretty well...

Kristin,
As a younger sib of a very gifted sibling I thought I'd take a stab at responding.

First, according to our Psych, siblings rarely test more than 5-10 points different. If they do, it is a good clue to look into 2E issues.

Second, read up on those sibling order dynamics again

Interesting article, not sure how useful:
http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10353.aspx

Also, you are absolutely right in my opinion, no matter what your younger child's LOG, he will be different from your older son in how he learns and what his interests are. In fact, it may well be that he will subconsciously avoid the interests of your older son to forge his own identity. His needs will be different.

I read a comment somewhere that said that "Fair does not = Same". Fair is meeting the needs of each child to the best of your ability even though the methods used may be very different. Honestly, how is this different from what we are trying to get across to the schools so often? We want our children to have the opportunity to get a fair education at their level. This is not generally the same education as their age peers or even siblings. Dottie, want to chime in here?

Love the cat story, we had a brain damaged dog. We loved her dearly but our vet also was appalled when we called her clever but dumb. Then he sort of changed his mind when she lost all her teeth early because she tried to eat rocks...

LOL, elh! Love the rocks story! And it sounds familiiar. The medical situation that required my vet trip: P ate yarn. Lots of it. She had to be opened up in 3 places to pull it all out of her! Not bright...And not a very convenient obsession for her to have, since I'm a diehard knitter...LOL!

OK, back to seriousness:

I have wondered about 2E issues quite a bit in the past year, actually. It seems too early to tell, so I'm still in wait-and-see mode. My 2E radar is definitely primed though. I don't want to seem like a GT-obsessed nut who thinks DS3 has got LDs because he's not reading at 3! But then again, I know that he's very probably GT and doesn't seem to be showing it, and 2E often presents as ND. *sigh* Worry and wait, wait and worry...

DS6 has virtually all the academic areas covered--he hasn't got a real weak spot academically, just a less-strong spot or two--so if DS3 is choosing to be GT differently, he'll probably do so in the creative arts. I do see some evidence of this. The kid's imagination is pretty out there! He was just telling me about making "bad-guy stew...with TWO bad guys in it!"

I completely agree with the "fair does not equal same" philosophy. I guess I'm just struggling a bit with how to translate that noble philosophy into real life...

Now I'm off to read the article you suggested! Thanks!