Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Ever feel YOU aren't fulfilling your potential?

Not to cross personal boundaries here, but have you discussed these things with a physician? Anemia, low thyroid, sleep apnea and numerous other easily treatable medical problems can cause trouble concentrating and thinking and sap your energy, and they may have no other symptoms. Fatigue and "mushy brain" aren't inevitable results of parenthood...but lots of women develop hypothyroidism or anemia after giving birth and aren't diagnosed for years. Just something to consider.

Hi Aculady, thanks for your concern. True, parenthood does not have to equal plummeting cognitive skills, but my mix of circumstances may be a bit different: I have been a stay at home mom for five years with children very close together who are both sensory seeking with ADHD like symptoms who both appear to be gifted (the youngest has had testing yet). My husband was traveling so much and I had no family to help with babysitting and no time away from my children and have not slept through the night in years due to children waking me, add to this that after the birth of my second child three years ago, my hormones basically went into turmoil (yes, I went to the doctor for this) and I had to make a decision how to treat them weighing the pros and cons. My DD5 is highly gifted verbally with extreme extroversion and I actually think both of us would be happier if she went to school more than a couple hours, but there are not other options right now and the school is educating her so far below her level that more hours would be torture for her so I am doing some home schooling for her, but even that is tough because she sings all her answers in what I call her show tunes voice (which sounds cute, but can be a bit much)can't stop moving,humming, tapping pencils,using fake accents to discuss things,ask questions, and wants to interact with me all 14 hours she is awake and with me if she isn't at school for 2.5 hours.

I try to set up as many opportunities as possible for her to be with other children so she can direct energy towards them, but believe it or not, it isn't always easy to find playmates. She is popular with other students, but we do not have young neighbors so I have to go through their parents to arrange something and little Jane and Johnny are busy with swimming lessons, ballet, karate, baseball, and who knows what else. They also tend to live in neighborhoods with built in playmates so aren't as in need of trucking their kid to another part of town just to play or setting things up in advance. My DD5 does have one good friend and she does come over frequently, but my DD5 is actually frustrated with her since she can be tempermental etc. The more she can be around other children and the more she will have learning activities outside of the home, the better.

My three year old also sleeps very little, is highly active, and has daily inconsolable tantrums. She is sweet and smart too, but when she gets set off, she goes off the deep end easily. I am just riding it out though since I went through this with the older DD and she is better so I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

As I am typing this, my oldest is right by me talking non stop even though I have asked her to wait, and making animal noises. The sun isn't even up yet. THIS is why my mind may not be as clear with children. Prior to children, I didn't hear wild animal noises all day esp. at five in the morning etc. After evaluations, I have been told she is "just gifted, creative, and active" and not ADHD and no longer needs OT. This may be true, but wow, the past years were intense with her and her her little sister is still in the middle of the difficult toddler / preschooler years.

Now that my oldest goes to kindergarten two and a half hours and my three year old is in pre k for a few hours, I am actually starting to feel better. I actually hid (slept where she wouldn't come to me) on my three year old the night before as mean as that felt, so that she was forced to go to my husband in her nightly wakeups because I was so in need of sleep. I had been up since three am for the day for a week straight due to her sleeping issues and was feeling awful. My children require very little sleep, constant interaction / conversation, and never appear tired! I can blame my genetics since I have always been up early, but now with the sleep deprivation and lack of alone time, my brain cannot take all that noise so early and at such a constant rate.

I watch other people's children and most of them seem as though their knobs are set at a much quieter setting so they require so much less from what I can see. I do see kids more out of control and appreciate that my girls do well in structured settings. The listen well and educational "classes" pay attention when read to or reading, and can focus for a long time on drawing or crafts etc. On the up side, one thing that is contributing to my feeling better is that my DD5 has made a huge leap in development so that what looked like ADHD / sensory seeking is mellowing out. She is doing fine in school and thrives on structure. When she is alone she is suddenly so much more mature. Her gross motor skills and self care are so much better too. She is evening out in some ways and that will allow me to clear my head. There is a way to go though that is for sure. My three year old has always been advanced with self help and motor skills and not as intense, so even though she is three, she is becoming more manageable so I predict my brain mush may lessen over the coming years.

I made decisions to put some of my needs on hold for my children and am not resentful. I'm just trying to figure out how to get back to some of my needs now that they are a little older. I had no intention of writing all this, but so be it.

To the moms of young ones... Really to everything there is a season. It will get better. I would encourage you to continue to carve out some niche of learning or intellectual engagement. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing in your life, but it is really a good and healthy thing for kids to see that mom has something else to focus on besides them. Even if it is "just a minute until I finish knitting this row" or "I'll help you as soon as I finish this page" it is not a bad thing for kids to see you model being an engaged person who is learning something new.

Also, I think it is reasonable to start to think of an end point. Where I get concerned is when the sole focus on kids drags into the preteen and teen years. If mom feels she can't focus on anything else, ever, that is not sustainable or healthy. At a certain point that can feel like a burden for a kid too. How is a child supposed to process that they are such a burden that mom can no longer even think of herself for a minute?

I agree 100%, Pass. I just wish I had started carving out my time / space sooner, but they are 3 and 5 and I have been taking classes for a year now and often say, "mommy needs to finish my book" or "finish this paper" so they can see that I have my own interests. Little by little,I do see things getting better and also encourage all moms to make time for themselves, take breaks, and not cater to their child's every whim.

TwinkleToes,
Glad to hear that physical issues aren't a concern. I remember being the parent of a "high-maintenance" under-5 with no other children in the area well! The sleep deprivation alone fried my brain to a crisp, without even mentioning the effect of constant monologuing and questioning. I can only imagine what you have been going through with two under the age of 5. The good news is that it gets better (provided that you stop having more children, lol.) There will come a time when you can count on 8 solid hours of sleep in a row on multiple nights during the week, and you will be amazed at the difference it makes in your patience and your ability to think.

And remember, should you be even a little bit tempted to feel guilty about taking time for yourself when your children want you, that you need to take care of yourself to be able to be the kind of mother you want to be for your children, and that learning to take turns, not interrupt, and delay gratification are all very valuable lessons that your children need to learn anyway...


Hang in there.

TwinkleToes,
Good that things are improving and they will keep getting better. I can so relate to Aculady's comments about the power of sleep. You feel like a genius when you finally start getting it regularly.

Oh TwinkleToes, That sounds hard. Parts of your post sounded SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO familiar! I think that early children phase is, or can be, really, really tricky for people who are used to using their brains. I remember wailing to DH at one point "I miss my brain so much!" Yeah, I was probably pretty sleep deprived at the time...