Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Why do I feel guilty all the time?

I'd certainly think that if it was your coffee, giving it up for a few days would have demonstrated it, so I doubt it's that.

How much can you leave her alone (in a safe space!) before she becomes distressed? At all? Might be worth practising that (leave her alone but just not long enough for her to get upset about it) and gradually extending it, in the hope that she might sometimes just put herself to sleep if she's on her own and tired. I know, but stranger things have happened, and being able to play on one's own is a valuable skill to have anyway ;-)

Personally I'm not against some screen time; I think you've said that you feel differently, but it might be worth thinking how strongly you feel that and why, and whether there is something you would be happy with. At this age DS used to love the Baby Einstein DVDs, of which I like just about everything except the name! Visually interesting with interesting music, no worrying content, to my mind, and he used to enjoy knowing what was going to come next.

I think in your place, though, I'd be doing everything I could think of to get DD to sleep before 1am. You mentioned that there's a lot of noise and disturbance when DH comes home - I wonder whether you could change anything so as to minimise that? Reading NCSS for the sleep cycle info and seeing whether you can adapt it to fit your DD might be helpful, as you'll probably find there are stages in her sleep cycle when she'll wake at the slightest noise and other times when she'll sleep through much more. Maybe if you experiment with when you start trying to get her to sleep, you can arrange that she's in deep sleep when there's noise, and she'll stay asleep?

There are 2 separate things here.

You can make choices in life that are different from the crowd because of your life-experience.

You can beat yourself up emotionally because you are in the early process of learning to deal with your inner directed perfectionism and aren't quite there yet.

Those are 2 separate issues and I think it helps to separate them in your self talk. I promise you that you will die someday of something. I hope you find a way to live that doesn't speed that up. The question is - to what extent will you ruin today over it?

The whole point of having ideals is that they are ideal and if a person could easily live up to their ideals then those ideals would be too low, yes? So how are you going to treat yourself when you don't live up to your ideals? It's not ok let those destructive thoughts run around over and over in your head 'because' X happened in the past. Those are 2 unrelated - although intertwined - things.

It is perfectly fine to make whatever choices you choose about your diet and environment. It's normal to have the bit of warning guilt in your belly for a bit of time after you don't live up to your ideal. BUT - If you are feeling overwhelmed with remorse...ut oh - you are being aggressive towards yourself, and using the 'slips' as an excuse. I hope that's clear enough.

The reason I asked you to write the positives, is to check if you are just plain depressed. Given the 'no sleep' and '24/7' nature of the job, it's something to be wary of.

Peace,
Grinity

Just on the food thing, which is possible (as in it's possible with any person, I am not diagnosing your child over the internet!). If she does have a food issue, depending on what it is, and there are many possibilities, chances are it will be too hard to pick up by eliminating a few obvious foods or drinks.

Coffee for example - if it's cafine that's the issue I don't know how long it would take to see an improvement, ColinsMum could be correct that it would take only a few days. But Coffee is also a strong Salicylate, if she has a Salicylate issue it will likely take longer than a few days to see a change AND you would have to eliminate all Salicylate, and coffee is just the tip of the iceberg there.

We missed my youngest DDs food issues for a long time because I tried just eliminating dairy and it didn't help much. Which would be cause she needed to be off Dairy, gluten, eggs, soy, salicylate, aimines, colours, preservatives, flavours. Once we got her diet right she stopped screaming, started sleeping, all manner of things got a lot better. And we KNOW when we make a diet mistake.

Wow Island of Apples - You are Overcoming the effects of never learning how to work hard at something. It's possible that those voices in your head are - besides mom - left over from the confusion Gifted kids feel when they never have the chance to learn how to learn or learn how to deal with the discomfort of the early stages of learning.
Telling yourself over and over that hard work is good work is about the only way to gain this important skill - handling challenge.
Good for you! What a great role model you'll be for your DD. Lots of my motivation for getting a 'good-enough' educational setting for my son is so that he doesn't have to get to adulthood before he has the experience of meeting and overcoming challenges on a regular basis (like me.) You Go Girl!

You didn't ask, but since, like your house, your mom is part of your environment, I'll suggest you get ahold of any of Suzette Hayden Elgin's 'Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense' books. You mom is probably also a gifted perfectionist - and sometimes that perfectionism is turned outwards. She really really wants your house clean and nurturing just like you really really want your diet clean and nuruturing, and I really really want your 'thought-diet' clean and nuruturing. We are intense people.

Sometimes that intensity gets to the point where we want attention, and don't particularly care if the attention is positive or negative. Sounds like your mom has gotten into the habit of feeling frustrated that things aren't the cool way she can imagine them, and is willing to be quite mean and harsh to get your attention. Or she's a sadist and an effective one. But either way, you are 'feeding a troll' as she 'trawls for your hot buttons' and gets an energy-transfusion when you zing her back. If she were your teenaged daughter - how would you handle her? ((there's a scary thought))

Howard Glasser turns about turning this negative energy into Rocket Fuel. Every time you tell yourself that 'big jobs take hard work' go prove that you are up to the task by doing something - anything nuruturing. I remember so distinctly the time I couldn't get in touch with DH, and I was worried about where he was, and I made the consious choice to funnel that energy into cleaning my sock drawer.

As Flylady says - I didn't take out more than 30 minutes of stuff to sort through - just only one drawer. I funneled all that worry and anger into sorting those socks. All the ones I didn't love or need went out to bless someone else! DH soon arrived with some perfectly reasonable explaination, and I quickly forgot about that whole part of the story - but every time I opened the sock drawer I heard the words in my mind "You CAN organize your enviornment. Your hard work DOES make a difference. You DO deserve a good environment!"

BTW - clutter and perfectionism go hand in hand. I know because once in the early days of deluttering, I decluttered a cord that I really needed. Finally I heard those voices clearly that had been running in the backround: "You can't be trusted to make good decisions! You make mistakes and that is unforgivable! How could you be so stupid!"
It was eye-opening. I forgave myself for putting off de-cluttering for so long. I went online and spent 5$ to replace the cord. I told myself - ok - if the price of living in a beautiful nurturing home is that I'll occasionally have to pay for my mistakes, then I'll do it gladly. I don't believe that mistakes are unforgivable and I decide to forgive myself right NOW.

My son was about 5 at the time. He spilled some water at the table that week. He started to cry. I knew what to do! I told him:
"Everyone makes messes. Big boys clean up their messes. Let's get the paper towels and do it right now!" I've been re-parenting myself right along with him all the way. I'm still re-teaching myself how to deal with mistakes and messes - but it's so much easier now.

Thanks for the reminders,
Grinity

I'm a big believer in using hypnosis to change things on a subconscious level. If you find after the changes you're making your guilt hasn't subsided, you may wish to look into it.

Good luck.

I saw this article and wanted to share...

http://www.npr.org/blogs/babyprojec...you-down-youre-not-alone?sc=fb&cc=fp

also, since we can all use a little laugh sometimes

http://www.starkravingmadmommy.com/2010/10/guilty-not-guilty.html

Yep. Those both about covered it. Thanks-they're really good.

Eek! I have the same mom! I feel irritated and wrong when my mom is around too. My mom somehow raised two kids and had a perfect house and perfectly manicured nails that she did herself (!) and made homemade food from scratch for every meal, etc. etc.

My mom tells me I need a housekeeper since I work outside the home and my stay-at-home husband obviously isn't up to the task! She says "good thing you only have one child" also. She is critical about everything even though in my real life/world I am a very well respected professional and a GREAT mom if I do say so myself!

My mom has gotten stuck in her development towards becoming a full person, so it helps me to think of her as a 5 year old when she starts talking like that. It used to really irritate me, but I can visualize her in a different way and it helps.

I am not the kind of mom she was. We are not the kind of family I grew up in. We have made our own way.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone! I envy my friends who have moms that are really helpful and considerate. One of my friend's mom periodically cleans her house for her in exchange for a different favor. Wow.

I get the guilt thing. I have sort of a traumatic story about how I got over mine, but the guilt is mostly gone. I'm happy with what I do now and happy happy happy with my family!

kate

Hi all,

I suffer from the same "voice of mom" in my head often, too. My mom passed away a few years ago after a serious brain issue - I'm over that part, but the guilt goes on. I look at how well my children have turned out, though, and think that I must be doing somethings right. When I think about what a holy terror I was at their respective ages, I shudder.

Anyway, I too have been housework-averse for years and when I quit my job to go to do PhD full time, I promised my husband that I would keep the house clean (couldn't afford cleaning lady, didn't want to make him do it). I have been reading Fly Lady (flylady.net) for about a year now, and it's been like a course in, like Grinity said, reparenting. I have real routines, I have set things I do on set days, etc. I think other people learn this at home, but learning it now is making a huge difference.

It reminds me of a post on another thread where someone commented about how gifted kids are excited to learn the big things and don't care about the basics, like math facts. I'd rather build a house than learn about how to clean one! But, finally, I need to know, and I'm willing to learn.

JennyM

Sorry about your mom. My mother developed a serious brain issue immediately after having minor surgery almost nine years ago. I still feel a little guilty because I didn't really listen to her when she tried to tell me she had a bad feeling about having the surgery and I told her she would be fine. She wasn't. She is alive but doesn't know me and is probably less capable of taking care of herself than someone with severe mental retardation when she was once one of the smartest people I ever knew because she read all the time. There were always piles of books at her house. Her house was clean but cluttered, kind of like mine. She could carry on a conversation about almost anything. She loved to watch Jeopardy and could answer more of those questions than I ever could. She did crossword puzzles every day. She told the best jokes. She gave wonderful advice. There have been so many times in the last nine years that I wished I could ask her for advice.

Not only should I spend more time cleaning my house but my dad is in his late 70's and still takes care of my mother at home feeding her, bathing her, changing her diapers, everything. I should do more to help him, but I also need to homeschool my son who is twice exceptional and is going through some very difficult times with scoliosis issues. He has another doctor's appointment this week and if he has had another progression they will probably suggest surgery which of course terrifies me because of what happened to my mother. My mother's surgery was supposed to be easy. Spinal fusion surgery is major surgery with all kinds of risks. My son is worried about it and I don't know what to say to make him feel better. It is hard to concentrate on learning with that hanging over our heads and I feel guilty making him do math when he is worried about that and I feel guilty if he doesn't do math. I feel guilty when my anxiety about all of this gets out of hand and I can't enjoy life and end up crying when my family takes me out for my birthday.

But sometimes I manage to stop and look at those other people who are judgmental and I imagine them trying to walk in my shoes or my dad's shoes. I don't think they could deal with all of this as well as we are.

I don't think those judgmental people can see the beauty and love in my dad caring for his wife that he loved so dearly that he is willing to do without pain medication so he can be alert enough to take care of her. They tell him to put her in a nursing home. They don't understand the beauty and love involved in homeschooling a child who is gifted but has mild disabilities. They think I should put him in our small town school and deal with bullies and one size fits all education because it is good enough for their kids.