Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Vent: IRL friends who think they get it but don't

I have a good friend. [Deleted: vent, with too many identifying details, about how this friend says DS - about whom all she knows is the little I've said to her - is not that unusual and I'm wrong in being concerned about how to manage his education.]

I could just stop talking about the subject, but in practice having to censor even more than I do would kill the friendship. It would be nice to be trusted.

Wow CM, sorry to hear that. I think most of us have had similar experiences but not as direct as this was. Usually it's the look, that sure he did that look, or I guess you are one of those mothers looks! I commend you for actually bringing it up, of course doing so sort of opens a wound that you either need to lance or paper over. I am wondering if the fact that she hasn't met your DS combined with your already self censoring makes what you do mention sound like exaggerations. So you can either open the floodgates and really let her into your lives or continue on and just accept that she thinks this is arrogance on your part. IME most people think other people should just do what they did whether it's breast feeding, testing, 2 vs 3 sports, etc, if you are doing something different than she did, she is trying to rationalize why you would need to do what she
didn't and it CAN'T be that your kid NEEDS more than hers. It sounds to me like a defense mechanism. But I can understand why it irks you, but I think there is something about kids that inserts stuff like this into friendships where it didn't exist before.

I only have one friend IRL who I can be honest with - her kid is 10 months older and
mine has moved way ahead of him in most subjects. She was incredibly supportive
through this past difficult year of trying to get DS into an appropriate school, but yet, I really worried about seeming to say your school isn't good enough.
Thankfully we have moved past it.

It's interesting from the outside why she feels the need to dismiss, why she couldn't just accept it at face value. But I find it is a rare person who accepts a parents version of
gifted, whether it's singing or maths.

And don't feel embarrassed for posting - this is where these thoughts should be!

DeHe

Oh, my. Yeah, if I had IRL friends, I'd BTDT, and my DD is not nearly as far out there as your DS.

Hi Colinsmum,

You're absolutely doing the right thing for your son from what I have read in your posts

I feel like this so often - that my friends who do know about dd think I'm making a fuss about nothing. Dd barley speaks in the presence of adults she doesn't see VERY regularly, so a number of them would be lucky to have heard her say much more than a sentence.

I think you hit the nail on the head when talking about trust. It would be wonderful for even just a few people to trust that you're really making your choices based on the best information you can find and that while they're often not perfect choices, particularly when you have so few options, you can only do what you can do. It would be so much easier to be trusted instead of having teachers, friends, family giving you that tight little smile where you can see they're trying to humor you but you know they think you're nuts.

Sometimes I am particularly struck by the lack of fairness we experience raising these kids, and yet at the back of my head I have a voice that tells me I have no right to complain. My daughter has amazing potential, I should pull my head in right?But having to constantly censor while other people speak about their pride in or concern for their kids is boring and exhausting and lonely.

I feel very lucky to have finally won my husband around who was doubtful about dd's abilities until she was tested (he's always much better once he has an 'expert' opinion), and to have one wonderful friend who gets it. Otherwise I feel much the same with many of my other friends as you do with the friend you mentioned. Please don't take this as advice, because I hate never feel qualified to give it, but for me I have decided to keep a number of friendships and just push on through. I don't go in to much detail, but I don't avoid the topic or deflect questions. I figure the more we talk about it as normal the more it's out there in the world as normal.

I'm sorry you've had that experience though. I'm not sure the fact that it seems to be a common one is much of a comfort! Thank goodness for this board.

Thank you all; I knew you'd understand!