Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Toilet training?!?

Ok I feel a bit weird asking about this here, as I am not 100% sure it's relevant to anyone else on the board, but I am really not sure where else to seek support because I do think that our issues are to do with the rather complex inner workings of my gifted toddlers thought process.

Since last I posted we dug out the potty and have had it around the house various places. DD clearly knows what it is for and has instantly transferred her toilet anxiety to the potty too. She's also clearly demonstrated that she does know when she needs to wee and does have the control to hold on. We are back to having trouble getting into the bath because she doesn't want to wee or poo in the bath. Or she gets in and then gets straight back out. She does NOT want to get a nappy on and will have a raging tantrum if you try that. She is scared of the potty and toilet and we have had some reasonable success in teaching her that she can't wee on the carpet. So she's now locked herself in the toilet room and used the floor there. Which is gross and obviously not a long term solution. Oh and I have also realised why it is that she gets so distressed about changing a poo-ey nappy, she really has issues with the whole thing. I feel rather slow that it's taken me this long to realise it wasn't about being uncomfortable or about not enjoying being changed but about the poo itself and wanting to pretend it wasn't there....

I am really at a loss for how to teach her that we don't play with the toilet or potty (or nappies), but that everybody does need to go to the toilet and that is ok and that toilets/potties are good to use for their intended purpose and only for that... And that we then wash our hands.

She's so obviously ready but also so obviously very anxious and confused.

have you tried any potty books?

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/potty-train-david-hochman/1007964185?ean=9781416928331&itm=46&usri=potty%2btraining


http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/princess-potty-samantha-berger/1101576756?ean=9780545172967&itm=53&usri=potty%2btraining

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/its-potty-time-for-girls-chris-sharp/1015484523?ean=9781591258421&itm=60&usri=potty%2btraining

We do have "On your potty" And she has found that very interesting. I am pretty sure the Princess one above was recommended by another friend, but she's too young for dress ups and that sort of pretend play or to even know what a princess is.... or maybe she's just in the wrong house. She does like to wrap various bits of cloth around her head and shoulders, which have wondered about, thinking it might be early dressing up behaviour...

I wish I had some good advice for that. My instinctual thing would be to just make it as 'normal as possible. One suggestion I've heard of is to put them on the potty whenever you gpo to the toilet, so it's just something you do, and no big deal.

Hi! That is hard! I guess it doesn't help for people to say "Oh, well, I didn't have that problem, my kids were easy!" BUT how can people advise you if they failed at potty training?! lol..anyway, without sounding preachy, I potty trained my first daughter for poo at 18 months and by 24 months she was dry all day and night...never had one accident since. My second daughter was 24 months as well, but had a more accidents, but by 2 years, 4 months she was dry all night and day...with an accident every couple of months or so.

So I tell you this, not to brag, but to help. To tell you what I did.

Starting at 14 months, I put my older daughter on the potty. Sometimes she would pee and I would clap. I would give her M&Ms and we would call Elmo on the phone. She went a week in undies at 18 months with no accidents, but I realized it was me who was trained..not her. I took her potty every 2 hours. I would let her watch TV if she sat on her potty while watching. She came to the potty with me everytime I went. She also went with Grandma and daddy. It wasn't always easy. At 19 months she stood in a display window at the GAP and peed. FUN! But poo was done at 18 months...this is how...

I never ever said the potty was gross...BUT I did say "yuck" when I changed her poo. Any time she had to poo, I could tell. I just knew. I don't know how. BUT I would put her on the potty and hold her until she poo'ed...that was that. eventually she told me. I never expected her to do it by herself. We always did it together. SO about 6 months later, she was completely potty trained.

I could have waited a year and did it in a weekend.

So I guess in your situation, with the phobia, I would put the potty chair in a happy place. Put her in a diaper. Let her sit on the chair to eat candy or watch TV...(My kids don't do much of these things now despite my using them to teach!)

When she is happy with sitting on the chair...like it is a chair, let her go naked for a few days...have her sit on the chair naked, but don't expect her to do anything in it. Let her have the candy.

When she is totally comfortable, ask her to tinkle...show her how if you have to. Reward her...clap...call friends...whatever..

Good luck...

I am certainly NO expert...so, take or leave the advise and VERY good luck to you!

Thanks for such a thorough reply sydness! Sadly my DDs diet is so restricted there is very little we can give in the way of candy (she can have white marshmallows but nonmore than 2 per day and a tiny amount of dairy free chocolate). And it's winter and freezing, so no naked time either... Really I know I sound obstructive but I feel so over a barrel.

I have tried putting the potty in the toilet but she seems happier when it's in the bathroom. We'll just keep trying to normalize it.

Hi MumOfThree! I do feel for you... Some suggestions on what worked with my three kiddos...I let them put stickers all over the "big potty" and their "little potty" and also let them decorate the potties using washable markers. We also role played a lot with my daughter putting her stuffed animals or dolls on the potty. I actually bought another potty so her stuffed animal/doll could "use" the potty at the same time as my daughter. Oh, we would hug the potty, talk to the potty as if it was real, we named the potty, sang to the potty, let her actually "clean" the potty with a spray bottle filled with water (she thought she was such a BIG girl doing this haha) Rewards worked great with my sons (matchbox cars) but not with my daughter. If you don't want to use candy because of her restricted diet, you could always use whatever else she is interested in. Another wonderful thing that worked is to carry the potty (and have a potty on each floor) wherever she was playing, so she wouldn't have to panic and race to the bathroom. You mentioned winter and freezing...That's exactly when I potty trained too. I just cranked the heat and let her run around naked all day until eventually I would move the potty further away and further away...Finally it was permanently in the main the bathroom. Hang in there!

Hi MumOf3

We had an absolute nightmare training DS, absolutely due to giftedness - he way over thought it. He could not be bribed and once we went the pull up route we lost a year. Finally we went cold turkey, took 3 days, me weeping on the couch, nd the purchase of a steam cleaner for the rugs but he was done and went to pre-pre k in underwear!

In the midst of the hell, we found two nice tools, one video, and one book. The video is great, Elmo takes them through the whole process and the other is just cute and comes with a chart and stickers. Those only worked for a short time. We also never used a potty, we got a toliet seat with a kid seat in the lid because he was scared of falling in!

Elmo potty video
Time to pee

We totally screwed it up too and now he is 5.5 and is always dry through the night with issues only when affected by soemthing else. Don't discount the stomach issues affecting her, DS gets constipated with a hint of dehydration and it set off bad memories and cycles about poop. We had to do all sorts of things no one ever talks about!!! I said to DH the other day that I wanted to be done with all bodily fluids already - no poop, no vomit, no snot!

DeHe

Hi Mumofthree,

I have no advice as dd trained relatively easily, but I did want to say that while that was the case, the toilet has been an issue on and off for use ever since - scared of them, obsessed with them and wanting to try out every one we came across, loving some, refusing to use others for no apparent reason.

A friend with a gifted boy real difficulty to get him toilet trained, because he over thought the whole thing. He still, at 6 wears night time pull ups because he's scared of going to the toilet at night (but has no other night time issues, and this includes if they leave all the lights on and go with him).

It's such a fundamental part of the day, it can be so frustrating as a parent. Good luck!

Hi Mumofthree,

Just my 2pworth, but your DD sounds stressed out and to me that means she's not ready, even if she can tell when she's going to go and hold it. I'd back off completely, and in the meantime try to be very calm and matter-of-fact, to avoid reinforcing any impression she has that poo is yucky and touching toilets will make you ill and all that scary stuff. Worth bearing in mind that there are many fewer bacteria on the average toilet seat than on the average computer keyboard, and potties are designed to be easy to clean perfectly. I distinctly remember my DS wearing his potty as a hat some time during the process. It had been washed since being used, so why not? :-)

Also, slightly tangentially, several people have written about their children being dry day and night. Worth bearing in mind that being dry at night requires not only the commitment to going to the toilet last thing and also if they wake and need it, but also sufficient levels of a hormone, ADH, that very young children don't have. Children vary wildly in when they start to have enough of that to be physically able to stay dry at night (ISTR that girls are typically much earlier than boys, though).