Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Hothousing social skills

Excuse me, as I jump in here and comment on the above quote.

passthepotatoes, Your observation reminded me of my own experience in Kindergarten. You are right. The kids made up their own rules and generally made a mess of every "game" played.

So, at this point, I don't know if it's a disservice to teach our children the correct "sportsmanship" or not!~

Our kids remember instruction very well and are sometimes "rigid" in their rule-following.

What to do?

We want them to socialize well with other children their age. Should we not teach them at all in this arena?

Kids need to be able to follow rules to a game so everyone can feel the game is being played fairly.

You can make exceptions. My DD and I play pictionary our own way. We just take turns drawing the ideas from the cards without the timer or scoring.

Let your kids make up their own games. Have them right down the rules and then change what doesn't work. That promotes flexibity.

I agree it is great to make up your own game - the key is that everybody gets to know the rules. If your family wants to play by a different set of rules that's fine. It is also good to talk about the idea that other families or groups might have different rules.

I think you do teach turn taking and being a good sport, just be realistic in knowing that probably a lot of younger kids aren't going to get it really fast and that when they play in groups it doesn't always work out. This is also a reason to be careful about how you correct your kid - avoid calling them a cheater, avoid harsh punishment because likely whatever you say about rule breaking they will say to somebody else later.

I think most kids can get the idea that some activities might work better with parents than with other five year olds.

I do insist on following rules OR explicitly changing the rules for everyone. I read this somewhere and we use it when a child is frustrated about losing: "Do you want me to play my hardest, or no?" That way there's not the creepy aspect of letting them win without revealing it, or allowing them to openly cheat, but they don't have to be frustrated. Then if they DO beat you honestly, they know it and it feels awesome.

It also helps to find games with a big element of luck. For instance, my 3yo frequently beats me at Uno. Admittedly I am probably not playing 100% intensely, but I'm not absolutely forcing myself to lose on purpose, either. I also will sometimes suggest moves to a child, but that's different than allowing them to cheat, IMO.

I agree with this. My daughter is 28 months old, and she tells me on the way to the park that she hopes there aren't other kids there. She is very shy, and other kids will take advantage. They wont wait for their turn. They push her out of the way, and it makes her feel terrible. She plays Candyland and Hi-Ho Cherry-O at home. She takes turns with me, her mom, and any dolls or stuffed animals in the area.

We recently brought her on a trip, and exposed her to more 2 year olds. She's gotten to the point that when someone wont share, she doesn't fight at all to keep a toy she's been playing with. She just lets them have it with a disappointed sigh, and goes to get something else.

It seems to me that sharing and turn-taking are atypical behavior for this age group, and highlighting the fact that the typical toddler is deficient in those areas wont necessarily make it easier for your toddler to get along with their peers. On the other hand, if there are older cousins around they would probably be inclined to play with your son, especially if he plays by the rules.

What about 'war?' That was our first card game growing up - Roughly divide the cards into one pack per player, and flip the top card - the higher card takes both cards and places them on the bottom of the pile. (This is good for little hands that can't fan the cards.) If there is a tie, then 3 cards are counted out face down, (the treasure) and the next cards are flipped - highest card takes all. If that next card is still a tie, repeat!

My brothers and I played this game often as children. My brother played against his children when they were young and 'cheated' to make the game end faster - warning: this game is almost as intermitable as Monopoly.

My hat is off to any child who can 'not cheat' - consistiently, at cards before age 6. It think it's fine to play 'for fun' at age 2.25 some games, and have a 'speacial' game that needs to be played accordig to normal 6 year old rules.

I would think of teaching a 2.25 year old boy to play by 6-year old rules as hot housing, (unless the child shows emotional - readiness) rather than more general 'parenting.'

Personally, I think any parents who spend any time at all with their child playing a game deserve a big round of applause. Every minute away from electronic screens is a victory in my eyes.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I'm not saying we never have the impulse to cheat here, but DS (3.5) plays most games without cheating or trying to cheat. He does like us to throw some hands for him in Spot It, a game where otherwise he would be trounced. He knows we let him win some. We also help him remember how to play his hand on some of the harder games, but that doesn't mean he wins.

DD was similarly pretty much past it at 4ish, I think?

The kids play a TON of games--seriously, right now they are playing cards at least an hour or day or more (Uno, Spot It, Rummikub, and Pictureka are the ones they play together)--so maybe they have less wrapped up in it than they would if it was only rarely?

I do think they might be unusual in this, but I don't know. DD especially is not not not emotionally mature, so it isn't like I have these zen children. However, she isn't really a competitive kid. She loves the play and would rather prolong the play than win in many cases.

My hat is off to your DD, your DS and to the grownups too for making games so much a part of daily life. I couldn't get my DS off the computer and onto cards or board games for anything. Of course as he found peers to play with that all changed around age 13ish...he tells me that at his summer camp they played Bridge during breaks. Pitter Pat!
I guess the take home message is that 'it can go a lot of ways.'

That is exactly how I was, but I can't say the same for my brothers. ((wink))
Grinity with hats flapping!

These games have been so great for the two of them. And I often don't even have to play! Interestingly we just don't seem to have the same enthusiasm about board games here--it's all about the card games. They seem to accommodate the kids' age ranges better, I think? More immediacy, less strategy.

Ok, here's my update:

We have been keeping the strict rules for that particular game, and at the same time, a dear friend with a MASSIVE ammount of patience and a 3 yr old took the two of ours plus a five year old and spent two weeks dancing set dances with them. While we were away, he alos had regular "cooking lessons" with another friend who happened to have a dish he REALLY liked, this also required patience and a lot of rule-following.

So, yeah, a li'l bit o' hothousin' goin' on, to say the least.

But the upshot is that he played really, really, really well with some older kids at the library today. It wasn't perfect, to be sure, BUT he got himself taken noticably more seriously than before. He also came home much happier than he frequently does, and napped easily.

So, I think a) that he's actually learning some social skills from attempts to teach them, even if unreasonably early, and b) it's actually making him happier, despite some rough moments here and there (though mild, considering the progress, and what I would have EXPECTED to happen)

So, we'll play it by ear, it's entirely possible we've hit the mark we needed already.

And, yeah, games are good. I really like games, and I'd be sad if he wasn't interested in them, so I'm happy that he is!

-Mich