Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Public School with IEP or Private School?

If she gets stressed out during the process then it isn't working properly and it's time to hire someone with experience to do it. It has to be very very gentle. I've got dieting on the mind, but it can't be a crash diet, it has to be a barely noticeable balancing of one's eating and moving so that the weight comes off very slowly, and yet there has to be some movement in the positive direction.

What would it take to move so slowly that lots of laughter comes out of her. That is a sign that the fears are gently moving away. Eventually there will be a tantrum followed by a calm sweetness. That's how you know it's working.

You have to talk to your DD - such as "A friend of mine has a daughter in a classroom with a color chart, and it makes the daughter very sad. Do you have any ideas how to improve the color chart so the girl won't be so sad?"

Then based on what she says, you can start very gently - maybe you want to have a chart for your behavior and she is the one who moves it? (do you have any habits you are trying to break? It could be specific) Maybe you want to make a big art project about how much we hate color charts so that everyone who sees it will understand?

My husband used to pretend to be afraid of Pikachew when DS was about 4 - I have no idea why, but he liked making it funny about "You aren't going to show me that yellow guy with the zig-zag tail, are you?" DS would try to scare him and laugh and laugh. Fears are part of every child's life, but when they limit important activities, like going to school then they are a problem.

This whole post sounds exhausting - what about homeschooling for a year instead?

And can you talk about the dyslexia thing some more - I'm still totally not get getting why you belief that she actually has issues, and it wasn't just a test artifact of the anxiety....

Someone on the DYS email lists recently asked a similar question about Dyslexia, and another mom suggested (I removed all the personal information:)

the family may want to contact some local reading specialists and see if they might find someone who is trained in a variety of methods They may be able to find someone with reasonable rates through the International Dyslexia Association. They have provider lists by state on their website www.interdys.org. They also have branches in individual states, which may have more recommendations.

I think that part of the reason you are so upset is that last year was so bad. But I think that the other part is that neither option of PS with color chart nor Private with financial strain is working for you. Perhaps time to go back to the drawing board and think of more options?

such as -
Homeschool for a year and let the pubic school provide their special ed services.
Private school on a trial basis so you can dump it mid year if it isn't working out.
Private school without the expensive dyslexia help, and look for dyslexia help on your own.
Can anyone else think of other alternatives?

Hope that helps
Grinty

I have not sent the message yet - I worded it very carefully i.e. we really want to be "Name of Private parents" one day soon but that right now we need to see exactly what kind of services we would have to put together in order to have her succeed there. I explained that if DD needs the OG services more than 2 days per week plus we have to purchase assistive technology ourselves all in addition to their tuition (they did not give us a financial aid award) the total expenses would be too much for us to undertake. Hopefully I drafted it in a way that does not burn bridges...

I totally agree about the gut instinct and that is why I have been so upset since seeing the large color chart in the suggested classroom. It was like getting a big punch right in my "mom gut." I just know that DD will be stressed out. I also feel that I will lose her trust if after letting her visit the private with its assurance that she would not have to worry about it that I instead placed her in a classroom with a big one looming over her.

On a brighter note I chatted online with a friend last night who is good friends with the new "mystery" teacher and her description makes it sound like a GREAT fit. She will confirm today but feels certain that mystery teacher "would never use a color chart - it's just not her classroom style." She then described a teacher with 15 year experience, who is warm and nurturing - even brings her guitar to class. She is married to the ranger at a local park so very nature oriented. Music (any kind of performing really) and nature are 2 of DD's passions so it sounds like a perfect fit. I got off the computer and actually slept 8 solid hours last night - I haven't done that since this whole process began. I take that to mean that this really could be a solution...

Will keep you posted.

PS: By the way I emailed the school psych drafting the IEP and strongly requested (some might say insisted but I hope I came across nicer than that) that the color chart be mentioned in the IEP since it is a major trigger and works against the "positive reinforcement" clause. Have to decide if I refuse to sign off on it if it is not there...

Just back after taking a short vacation. It helped to get away and get some clarity on the situation. Of course I kept getting phone calls from people who were uncovering new information for me:) The OG tutor from the private actually checked out the special ed teacher from the public and called to give me a glowing report. The friend who knows the new mystery teacher called to give me more details about her classroom management techniques and confirmed that she does not use a color chart after speaking to her directly about it. Another friend called after attending a birthday party with several parents from the public and gave me a detailed report card about each of the teachers there. This confirmed the very negative report about the one teacher we met when visiting the school last week.

Yesterday DH called the principal at the public and explained that after all of our research we are feeling very comfortable with the idea of the new teacher. He explained what we had been told about her teaching style and classroom management techniques and how she seemed like the best option for having DD succeed. The principal made clear to him that SHE would be making the decision soon and we would be informed what SHE decides.

So after digesting this we have decided that we will go ahead and enroll DD in the public and step back to allow the principal to do what she thinks is best. We will also plan to hold her and the school district accountable for providing a free and appropriate education. If the first thing they do is place her in a classroom where she will be exposed to one of her biggest anxiety triggers while another appropriate classroom without this trigger is available (and was requested) then we will seek reimbursement for any expenses we face in providing a learning environment without the anxiety triggers. In other words if we end up having to enroll her in the private because of the anxiety issues we will pursue all the legal channels described upthread. We have also decided that we will not sign off on the IEP if it does not specifically mention the color chart issue.

Last night DD's preschool teacher called, she has become a close friend and loves DD like her own child. She is also close friends with the special ed teacher at the public and had a long talk with her about DD. She has offered to come with us to school on our "pre-visit" to help make DD comfortable as she meets her new teachers, sees her classroom, etc. Hopefully all will go well. My fear is that DD will just refuse to go back if she sees a color chart on her first visit before school starts. I guess I will have to leave up to the school to figure out how to undue that damage if it happens. Hard to accept but I think that is what the situation boils down to.

Thanks so much for all the help and insightful comments as I have sorted through all of this. Holding my breath, crossing my fingers, standing on one foot and doing everything else I can think of to hope this situation works out well!

That is wonderful news - above and beyond the call of duty for the OG tutor.

So now is the time to develop the timeline and paper trail. If you husband spoke in person, then it's time to write a letter detailing what was requested for what reasons, which experts agree with you, and that the principle is going to make her best decision based on the best interests of the child as she sees it.
One of those: "I was hoping you could check to be sure that what we heard is what you said" letters, with a "please get back to me and let me know any misunderstanding that might have developed, I want to work closely with you so we can do what's right for DD as a team."

That way you are 'iron clad' for documentation purposes and she has a chance to see the 'you mean business' - polite but firmly devoted to your DD.

Excellent. If child's problem is anxiety - such as snakes - would she be placed in a room with a snake tank? Even if it was a classroom-wide learning experience? Probably not.

That sounds right. You can't take responsibility for their decisions. It's possible that your DD will be placed in the excellent known teacher with the color chart, and somehow be able to not be bothered by it. Kids are amazing. My Uncle had a 'Elmer Fudd' type of speech impediment. The way he tells it, nothing helped to cure it, until one day he met his new teacher who also had an 'Elmer Fudd' speech impediment. The teacher introduced himself to the class, and my uncle told us: "I knew that if the new teacher heard the way I talked, he would think I was mocking him, and that fear just cured my speech problems instantly. I never spoke with a speech impediment again."

I'm not suggesting that approach, but trying to gently remind that human beings are very mysterious, and we never know if our very reasonable fears are going to occur or not.

But document everything!!!

Smiles,
Grinity

Pemberley, I think your strategy is well considered and smart. I hope you'll let us know how things go this fall!

BTW, Grinity is right about documentation. Get a large, heavy duty binder and start putting everything in it, chronological order. This includes your notes in ink regarding each conversation you have, labeled with the date and all parties' names, as well as any diagnostic reports and such. Having records is a great help as you do a complicated negotiation that will likely run over some months or years.

Well done!

DeeDee

I am now officially "cautiously optimistic" about the coming school year. We just found out that DD has been placed in the classroom we requested!

I have to say that the public really does seem to be doing all they can to make this work as well as possible for DD. After last year I was expecting the worst but have been very pleasantly surprised so far. Will keep you posted.

Do keep us posted. I hope it works!

DeeDee

Just back online after a 5 day power outage courtesy of Hurricane Irene. Start of school was delayed until next week but we were able to go in the other day and meet the classroom teacher and special ed teachers. All I can say is I am SO relieved! The classroom teacher indeed seems like an absolutely perfect match and all are bending over backwards to accommodate DD. Not a hint of anxiety - she is actually head-over-heels excited about school. They really seem to get it - the anxiety, the learning difficulties and the giftedness. I am amazed but very, very happy. The special ed teachers plan to wait a couple of weeks until they build her trust and then do some retesting to see if they can get an accurate gauge on what is true LD and what was triggered by school/test anxiety.

So far I think we have made a good decision. It helps to know that the private is still out there as an option but at this point I am thinking we won't need it.

Hope everyone else also has a positive start to the school year.

Awesome, Pemberley! Wishing you a safe launch into the year.

DeeDee

Wonderful news!