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the theme running through most of these posts is that the board is different, it was better before, what made the board special seems to be changing. Interesting that it coincides with Dottie's departure. Not to say Dottie's wonderful participation was soley responsible for the quality of the board, but is possible that her farewell indicates the problems highlighted here. The board was started awhile ago and this dedicated group of supportive people welcomed newbies and performed an invaluable service, Tex mentioned the iq evals which almost always serve as a welcome to the forum. Who will do that now? But participation here is likely linked to the stage of parenting the individual is in. Some like Grinity continue to do it, even though they are past a lot of the critical stages of gifted parenting, but I would guess that as your parenting roles change you drift away from the earlier issues. So in a sense is the board changing because the core group is not being replaced with the same types of people performing the same types of roles. It's rather like comparisons between Europe and America in terms of new immigrants, the US is often given credit for socializing new people such that they become fervent defenders of the American way of life. So the board is different because the people who have come and stayed are different and are creating a different social norm, one with more conflict, although as someone noted, there are always challenging threads, so how much is just rose colored glasses for the smaller, more banded together board.

From this perspective, the need is for more participation from the "elders" to maintain that voice. But it's probably unrealistic since they aren't in the same place. So then it's a new generation core group stepping up and actively working to maintain the board - and maybe that's what this thread is meant to be?

DeHe

I'm sure I'm not the only one wondering if my posts are the ones that are upsetting to other members of the forum/community. I'd offer the following thoughts:

First, if I offend with my posts, I would like to recieve a respectfully worded PM that explains what came across as aggressive or unkind. While I do have some strongly held beliefs, I strive--sometimes unsuccessfully--to express them respectfully. When I catch myself missing the mark, I try to correct it with a follow up post, but I don't always catch it. I'd hate to feel like I have to second guess everything I say and would rather trust that others will gently let me know if I've offended.

Second, I don't read every thread. I spend time on threads that are personally relevant, interesting or helpful. It seems to me that all threads shouldn't have to be all things to all people. What draws me to this forum has evolved over time. I came initially in an attempt to better understand my children. I still come here for that purpose, but as my understanding has grown, so has my need to look at broader issues and to try to hash through issues that impact school policy. I do that so that I can work through my thinking in a community of people who understand giftedness--at a variety of levels--before trying to work through the issues IRL with a cross-section of people who may or may not understand giftedness. Some of those discussions definitely ignite strong passions and feelings in myself and others, but I think/hope they will become the foundation for meaningful change in our schools. I don't want to lose the opportunity to have those disagreements here. Is it not simply possible for us to choose to participate in the threads that match our interests and styles? I am supportive of the idea that the OP can put in their subject line or original post a "handle with care" comment that would alert the rest of us to proceed with a little extra caution.

One of my biggest fears is that this forum becomes so geared to being supportive only, that it ceases to be a place where we can get some honest context for our experiences. One of the most important things to me when I came was to get a concrete sense of how to interpret my childrens' abilities. IRL I was getting a lot of vague responses and it prevented me from understanding where my children did or didn't fit and what they might or might not need. Here I read about children whose abilities were significantly different than mine in some ways, very similar in others. Had I come and just gotten a blanket reassurance that my child was probably gifted (because that would be considered supportive in some odd way), I would be no better off than when I started. I never view the offering of milestones as oneupmanship--our kids aren't in the sames schools and communities. They aren't in competition with one another. It is a unique opportunity to honestly share and understand how gifted, bright, typical/atypical etc. our children are, so that we can effectively and knowledgeably know when to advocate and when to relax.

Those are my two--or three--cents, fwtw....

I don't think there's any very nice way to suggest that someone is spamming, for example. That's why I think that some things are best left for PM. Disagreements about education or parenting are different from disagreements about the way we conduct ourselves on the board. So for the former I agree that a general attitude of respectfulness can work well, but maybe not for things that are bound to raise hackles no matter how you say them.

I've thought a bit about suggestions to add meta-info to thread titles. I don't think adding extra information to the title of a new thread about the intent of the thread would hurt at all, but it would be bound not to be followed perfectly. I guess if someone really doesn't want things to veer off topic she could indicate that, but is it likely? I see posters like Val already starting new threads when appropriate, so maybe just a strong suggestion to do that would be the best improvement.

I also think it's a good idea to make people read the rules when they first sign up.

Thanks! I guess I just don't feel defensive. I obviously said what many wouldn't say, for various reasons, but in the end I think some useful changes will happen.

My thoughts mirror yours.

Well, the "rose-coloured glasses" did occur to me as a possibility, DeHe, so before I posted, I went back and read dozens and dozens of threads from '08 and '09. The spectacles are not tinted.

I certainly miss Dottie, but also Kriston, incogneato, fangcyn, Erica, questions, Iron Mom, Ania, Raddy, seablue, JBDad, Isa, blob, ienjoysoup, montana, LMom, OHGrandma, shellymos, Dazey, Lorel, and so many others--some of them are still around, but not posting much (also some of my favourite people have popped back up again in this thread--Irisheyes, eema, and melmichigan--hi!).

You might be right, DeHe, that some of us who have been around for a while need to try to do more of the heavy lifting. I'll go welcome a newcomer right now!

mm

Edited to add that I do not, of course, mean to imply that I have any idea why some people are not around much anymore--just wanted simply to say that I miss them, and miss what they brought to our community here.

I agree, Ithink forums that only allow puppies and rainbows are at best useless, at worst harmful.

Aren't we adults? I haven't seen any namecalling or bullying on here, or did I miss it? Is mere disagreement a terrible thing to run from? Or simply honesty? How would anyone ever learn anything in life if no one could ever disagree with you or tell you you're full of it and to pull your head in?

Are you sure people stopped posting here because it became terribly adversarial, or perhaps a snark board was trolling?

mm
Thanks for including me in this list, minnie
It means a lot coming from the best children's literature expert I've ever "met."

I am still thinking through my feelings about the change in tone of the board. I do know I'm not the daily visitor I once was. Part of that is due to my dd being accepted into DYS. Now I'm trying to absorb all of the substantial information being shared on those email lists. Looking at the above list of names, I could project others might be in the same position.

But more than that, I think I post here less because I don't want to be vilified over a bad word choice or a poorly thought out sentence. I think "back in the day," people on this board tried to read between the lines of an initial post. What was this parent really wanting to know? Now I think you can be lambasted for putting the wrong word in the title of your post -- the discussion veers off track -- and no one focuses on what truly led you to post in the first place.

I will say that I think the overwhelming number of posters have only the best of intentions. But I do believe a small minority has intimidated others from participating as fully as they might.

I agree with this too for the most part. There have been a couple of instances where I have been shocked at the very personal attacks that have been made on people's parenting choices - particularly around acceleration. I'm not talking about situations where people share an alternative view to another poster and state why and based on what experience they disagree, but situations where people are often responding not to the OP, but to someone else's response to the OP (people who were merely stating their point of view and not actually asking for advice themselves). Rightly or wrongly I have sometimes ended up participating in those discussions in as a respectful manner as I can, because I have a strong personal reaction to seeing people targeted like that, but I do find some of those kinds of responses very unsupportive.

I have however had quite negative responses on forums which have been incredibly constructive (because they were presented respectfully) so I would hate to see a situation where people were afraid to disagree with one another. I would also hate to see someone like Lucounu have to tone done their humour - I regularly chuckle out loud at some of his responses and while he is forthright on occasion I haven't ever really seen him attack anyone one a very personal level (yes, the personal attack is my personal theme here!)

I'm also wondering if we might be seeing a bit more plurality of views and that that is changing the tone of the board. When I first started looking at this board (for a year or so before I joined) there were some very common and often repeated views. There was also a group of people whose views were always sought and, I often felt, taken for granted (and to some extent that was fair enough, given their wealth of experience). However, there were certainly instances where I did not post my own opinions because they would have been contrary to those held by the opinion makers on the board and I didn't feel what I had to say would be heard. Now I see a lot more diversity of opinion as new people come to the board and with that comes change and with any change some people will inevitably find that a product (whatever it is) no longer suits their needs.

I do think the board is changing, and I do think that there are instances where people have responded very inappropriately and personally to other posters. In fact, though I have always tried to be very respectful, I do wonder whether I am one of the people that is being referred to because I do from time to time take sides when I think it is important to do so. But if I'm honest I don't think the 'tone' of the board is any more disrespectful than is was 18-24 months ago. Just different.

Anyway, my 2c.

Giftodd

Hey Taminy -
I love what you wrote above so much that I copied it and tried to add it to my signature line! Too bad the character limit is 100 - here's what I came up with:


I wish I could have such a 'signature' in real life as well. I think that this is a way to balance that awful 'second-guessing' with going overboard and posting 'aggressive and unkind,' and the fear of 'the bandwagon effect' http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bandwagon_effect

I invite anyone else who seeks similar feedback to include a similar note in their signature line.

Love and more Love,
Grinity

Hi Taminy - I think you are correct here in that you aren't the only one wondering....LOL I'm currently wondering if I'm one of the Opinion-Leaders who is quashing diversity (hence my new signature line!) I went back and took a look at about 10 of your random posts and I think that you are an excellent example of respectful and gentle disagreement.

I think I'll start a new thread where people can post examples of threads that are shining examples of 'our vision.'

Love and More Love,
Grinity