Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Telling Family

If dad was complimenting me on my parenting, it's ironic. When I was struggling in high school Algebra, he only attempted to help me a couple of times and then gave up when I didn't "get it" on his timeline.

You're lucky to have supportive (surrogate) parents.

Ametrine -

Glad you found us then! As others have mentioned, this forum is awesome for "connecting" with others who "get it" and are happy to share.

Not quite the same as having having that kind of connection with a parent, but quite wonderful any way.

He sounds a little like my dad. He probably assumes your son is normal and all the other kids are deficient or got no stimulation as infants.

My family believes my dad, and several other relatives, have Asperger's. He truly doesn't realize he's supposed to show an interest in my kids, or how to go about doing it. My stepmother has basically put him in intensive social therapy for the last 20 years and he now makes an effort, but it always seems forced.

I obviously don't know your dad, but it might make you feel better to think along those lines. Some folks are heartless, but some just don't know how to connect with others.

How old is your child?

Does your Dad do email? Sending updates and pictures of your family might encourage him.

Maybe you could look for a learning connection. Does your Dad have any passions?

Some school projects helped make some very nice interactions with our relatives. Maybe you could try something like a Flat Stanley or geneology study. Does your Dad play Chess they could do that online together. If you encourage their relationship, your Dad will see DCs special gifts on his own.

I would guess that this might be true. Dad (without getting too specific) worked in the Silicon Valley...Asperger's capital of the US, apparently. It's interesting that you also mention that your dad isn't very social, because that's my dad to a tee.

You've given me a lot to think about. Especially that dad may just think ds is normal and other kids lacking in stimulation/attention. Mom once told me that dad is almost a "snob" about mental abilities.

Doesn't sound pretty, but there you are.

My son is a bit under four and a half.

I've been keeping in touch with dad mostly by email and send him updates, but sometimes I don't get a response back, or he will respond with a "Heh" and then talk about his cat. I do see the humor in this.

Funny you mentioned the Flat Stanley book. I just got ds that one yesterday and have yet to read it. Is there projects to do with it?

You've given me an idea. I think I'll take ds over there with a snap kit one Saturday and see if dad will be interested in working it with him.

Thanks!

we've had mixed reactions from both sides. It was my mom who pointed out DS4's - then under 2 - giftedness.

my younger brother was thrilled, my sister is supportive and tries to understand.

My older brother and his wife, DH's older brother and his wife are disbelieving - I'm apparently very pushy.

DH's sister is oblivious and still buys "age appropriate gifts" that are so not appropriate for my boys.

Dh's parents just say that DS4 is "a bit smart", but that we over structure his time and overschedule his life. and that DS2 is too little for us to tell.

Thing is - DS4 is literally able to do things at the same level, and above in some instances as his cousin who is 7. So how they can't see it I still don't quite get.

WRT your father - maybe they just need to spend time together alone.. would that be an option? they may find each other that way, it's working with my FIL and my boys - they are building great relationships and he is finally understanding exactly how advanced they really are.

Madoosa, your experience matches what I have found. I find sibs harder to deal with on this issue than parents, personally, probably because of jealousy. I have learned over the years to not give the sibs too many details. For example, D has been attending Davidson THINK in the summer. When sibs or sibs-in-law ask what she is doing for the summer, we just say she is taking a couple of classes at a camp in Reno -- we skip the "college", "gifted", etc. parts of it If they ask for details, we tell them generally what the subjects are (but "math", not "calculus", etc.). It just works out better for us. I mean, they know she is different and smart -- it is obvious as soon as she opens her mouth. But we really don't talk about it much. And she has a good relationship with her cousins, so I guess it has worked out.

Thanks for sharing the situation in your family. I feel better knowing that it must be a difference in individual perception sometimes. (My mom says ds is a "smartie").

I was thinking that I would ask my mom to lunch and see if my dad would "babysit" for an hour. Actually, I'm scared to ask because I'm almost positive my dad will think I've "lost it" that I would think he's interested in watching my son. But I agree with you that if only he would give him a one-on-one chance to talk with him, he would see.

I've often noticed my son is a bit "incoherent" and "hyper" around my dad...all the while, he's looking at him like he's thinking, "Am I getting grandpa's attention?" He's definitely different at home. I suppose I'm seeing some social awkwardness emerging in my son at this point.

I want to say to everyone who has contributed to my post that I appreciate your help in "brainstorming" this dilemma. Up to now, I've felt like I was flailing around in a quicksand pond without a clue as to how to extricate myself and my son!