Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion What to say to your child/fitting in with friends

Thank you for this thread. You know over the course of the last month of reading I have reflected on my own life a lot and realised that my previous assumptions about why I was so isolated in school, while quite plausible, were probably not the only issue, or even the primary issue. Because the further I got into "the real world" the easier I found it to find, make and keep friends. So far my eldest has not had any social problems, but this year DD2 is visibly becoming steadily more isolated and it is sad. And yet also comforting to know that even if it is not at school she WILL find people she can bond with in time.

Thank you for this thread. So true, it is isolating. I believe when we the parents accept our children the way they are, intensities, perfectionism, etc then it will be slightly easier for them to accept themselves.

And now with the internet, it is easier for us to find each other.

Added:
I would tell my young self that the dream of having one best friend is an ideal. Continue to try, but in the meantime have a few good friends and have some interest-group friends

Mumofthree, I just thought I would mention - and this may or may not end up being the case for your your dd - that my dd was very isolated at that age. Dh and I would despair watching her interact (or not) with other kids. It wasn't just age appropriate parallel playing it was just not getting them AT ALL. Why didn't they know how to share? Why couldn't they communicate with her? Why did they push in or say mean things?

Well, now 5, dd is very socially competent. She leads play with her 8 yo cousins, has a good friend who is a gifted 7.5 year old, but can happily play with kids all ages from 3 - whatever age with no problem. In her class she is sought out by other kids and is very well liked. Only this weekend I said to DH, "remember when we used to worry about how she was going to go socially".

I don't know what caused the change - though in part - and I guess this ties in with what this thread is about! - I think it has come from our recent conversations about why she might feel different (she knows that she is gifted and we were very careful to explain this in neutral terms that imply it is a natural difference rather than something that makes you better or worse than someone else) and that seems to have given her the freedom to just enjoy herself and others rather than focus on what is wrong with her/them. Obviously this conversation is unlikely to be effective at 2 - and it may or may not be useful if and when you do have it. I guess I just wanted to say that we were really worried about how isolated dd would be and in fact, over time it has been much less of an issue as she has gotten bigger.

Deborah Mersino has written a lovely blog post about these kinds of issues this week (and while written in the context of being an adult, she lists some things she wishes she'd known when she was a kid): http://www.ingeniosus.net/blog

From ingeniosus:

How does knowing about one�s giftedness � and being supported from an early age � impact a person�s life and their movement through Dabrowski�s 5 levels? With so many myths, paradoxes and debate around the �gifted� label, I believe knowing about one�s giftedness at an early age � and being educated on social-emotional issues in particular � can have a significant positive impact on a life. I�m not likely to pursue a Ph.D., so I hope someone runs with this! I see my own daughters growing up with books like,

�101 Success Secrets for Gifted Kids� by Christine Fonseca

and having lively, critical discussions in their peer groups. I know teens are benefitting from Author Lisa Rivero�s

�The Smart Teen�s Guide to Living with Intensity: How to Get More Out of Life and Learning�

and the empowering work of gifted authors and specialists throughout the world. I would love to have someone do empirical research on how gifted learners receiving full-fledged affective support in this new generation will forever be altered, as they view themselves more kindly, know themselves better, and travel through their lives with knowledge about their own hardwiring.

I think the time my dd spends on the computer after school "chatting" with her friends scattered across this city has buoyed her throughout this school year. It doesn't matter as much if you don't have someone to sit with on the bus if you have a few friends to greet you (online) when you get home.

Thanks for your kind words Giftodd. I think I have confused you about her age - by "DD2" I meant that she is my second DD, her age is 4.75 years. I would say that she is quite socially competent, or I would have up until recently.

All of her friends went up to school without her at the beginning of this year, leaving her as one of the eldest in preschool, and not wanting to be in preschool anyway this was a bit of a double whammy. Unsurprisingly she's not really managed to find anyone to bond with. Having always loved company but been equally happy to self entertain, if children don't play nicely or she can't fit in she will just go do her own thing. It seems like she has gotten so into the habit of being alone that she no longer seems to notice that she has options at the times when there are children there she does connect with who would want to play with her. Sometimes our play dates go really well, but other times she will just go straight off to do whatever interests her without thinking to try to engage other children in her interest, or trying to join what they are doing.

I had my dd as a "captured audience" today in the car and I started talking about the kids in our neighborhood going to college and segued right into your post above; I practically quoted you word for word. I too remember the emotional freedom you described so well... I think it helped her a little.

I agree. And I will make the above my mantra.

Usually when I talk with my dd, I try to help her find solutions. I tell her I am here to help her; I'm on her side. (This has worked for us because she is enough of a perfectionist that if I started to criticize her, it would spiral out of control) But the trick here is that I can't really think of a solution for her. I feel like I explained a lot to her but didn't give her any tools to really help the situation.

I guess just knowing why she feels the way she feels is important. And maybe approaching people knowing a little more about herself will result in improvements. I just have some sadness that I don't have any answers.

My apologies mumofthree! I should have remembered that from your other posts.

When I was at the hight of worrying about dd's lack of socialising I happened to read something in a book on gifted kids (which I have somewhere but must be tucked away in a box) which basically said that if they child is ok with it and they otherwise have good social skills, then it's not too much to worry about. It's ok and not uncommon for gifted kids to be happy with their own company. Is your daughter introverted? If so, she might be fine until she makes another connection she thinks is worth the effort. On the other hand the authors also said if the child is unhappy about it then it is worth looking for peers even if they were outside preschool/school (easier said than done I know). Also, I've read over and over again that preschool/early elementary school age is the hardest period socially for gifted kids because their opportunities for meeting other kids is so limited and and controlled and bigger kids don't take them seriously.

That it's ok to enjoy your own company really resonated for me - I am very introverted and could happily entertain myself pretty much endlessly given the chance. I have to force myself to connect face to face with others (which I am perfectly capable of doing and generally enjoy it once I do - I am just most comfortable in my own head). Lol - we've just had a 5 day long weekend here, which is the longest time dd, dh and I have been together at the same time for sometime. By the end of the weekend I was going to bed straight after dd, I was so tired from the constant interpersonal stimulation!

Knowing that it's ok not to want or need to be surrounded by others can be useful too I think if your are introverted (if indeed it is something your dd is ok about). But I think it can be hard to feel like it's ok - we all want our kids to feel likeable and I think we get such strong messages that the only way to feel liked and likeable is by having as many friends as possible, when really that feeling comes from within (which I think comes from feeling loved and accepted by those people who are important in our lives, though I think I may have made that point once or twice already!)

Anyway, I've gone off topic enough!

Giftodd - thank so much for this thoughtful post, I sent you a PM, but it just occurred to me you might not see it. I know I have trouble noticing when there is something new there because the little icon is permanently flashing (maybe I have missed something about how the PM system works?).