Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion What to say to your child/fitting in with friends

Thank you. There is something tremendously helpful on being able to share and get such supportive and understanding comments. This is not the kind of thing I can't talk to ANYONE else about.

I think you did well, in fact I'm squirrelling away notes. What I wish someone had told me at that most miserable age? That they loved me, and that it really would get better, that I wouldn't always feel like that. For me the best thing about getting to university was that I was suddenly surrounded by people who were passionate about all sorts of different things. Not only were there people just as enthused by my subject and my hobbies as I was, so that I didn't need to feel weird, there were people enthusiastic about all my least favourite school subjects and about things I'd never even heard of. It was as though suddenly I'd come into a new world where people didn't need to wear disguises. I wish someone had been able to convey to me when I was 14 that that feeling existed. Mostly, though, I wish I had felt as though someone accepted me for who I was. It sounds as though you're doing that for your DD, so well done :-)

In our family we downplay the sense of difference that comes through knowledge of IQ scores; DS has a tendency to arrogance in his thinking about other people that I cannot afford to feed.

However, we routinely fill our home with dinner guests who have intellectual interests like DS's-- he knows mathematicians and astronomers and all manner of people who think his interests are great. They're not children, but at least he is well aware of how the light at the end of the tunnel looks.

DeeDee

My kiddo I think has some relief for understanding more. However, she also had an outburst in the car not that long ago about wishing she was not that smart. So far her school friends have been supportive. She told me a story the other day and my heart started to drop because I thought she was being teased but as she clarified I realized she felt she was being complimented. She still feels isolated to a certain degree and does not have that one best friend that really "gets her." I wish she did. She never has. I long to put her in an environment where she might have the opportunity to meet others. I think the isolation is partly due to her relationship with academics rather than just being smart. For example, my mother-in-law passed back in October. When we flew to the funeral, my daughter missed some school. Her Geometry text book is large and completely online. She however wanted to bring it with her because it made her feel secure. She is excited to take the SAT for the second time and enjoyed the first time. I think those attitudes are not always seen as "cool" by kids her age. She will be attending an arts summer camp this year... not sure what that will bring...its suppose to be good. HTH

I think it is fine to share where a kid is on the bell curve. We have shared how far out on the bell curve our DS is. He knows he is different , there is no denying this and why would we want to? To expect kids who have an IQ of 140 to see the world the same way as a kid with an IQ of 100 is not reasonable. Each point up is a steep climb. There is a big difference between 140 and 150 and 150 to 160 etc and so on.

Our son has not found a best friend yet or a close friend even, but we have told our son that it only takes one interest in common to kindle a friendship. They can share an interest in Pokemon or maybe it is simply their humor that they have in common. Mostly I have been reinforcing that people aren't perfect and there are no perfect friends. It is also more fun and interesting to have friends with lots of different interests. When I hear the perfectionism coming out in him regarding people I do take the opportunity to point out to him what he has in common with that person, "you both like karate."
Truthfully, he is sad that he does not have a best friend yet. Each year I am seeing that he is connecting less and less with his age peers. We have him in a large variety of activities to expose him to as many kinds of kids as possible.
My heart does ache over this issue (okay this topic has hit a sore spot- sorry if I got off topic). I guess what I wanted to say is that my kiddo related to feeling isolated too. Much love to you and yours.

The feeling of isolation is the reason I came to the forum. My son feels isolated and quite frankly I do too! I have read other parents commenting that they cannot share with anyone about their kiddo and this is how it is for me too. I am glad this is being talked about, thank you!

I think your DD has a best friend. You! I know how parents are supposed to be parents but I often feel we can be their best friends too. I also understand that having a friend her age will make a world of difference. But I grew up without that person and think I somehow coped well enough to last this long without being screwed up. I wasn't a high achiever. My gifts were in the arts and "reading" people and giving empathy and I couldn't find anyone else who got things about people or the arts like I did so I was a loner most of the time. Met and married another loner. How our kid turned out totally gregarious and un-loner-like I'd never know lol. But he has the problem too. He has no best friends. A few really good friends but we don't see these kids as often as he'd like.

I wish when I was 14 that someone, an adult especially, had held my hand and assured me it's okay to be different. To be gifted in a different way, different from my own siblings, different from all the popular girls in school. That it's okay to be who you are because you have your own strengths to contribute to the world.

So I think you did great herenow. And I wish I'd have the presence of mind to handle things like you did when my son is older. Many, many hugs to you!

D16 never did find friends that were much like her in middle school. I think her first true, deep connection with other kids came when she was invited to join Cogito, a chat/forum run by CTY. Although we live in the midwest, we had her NUMATS talent search scores sent to CTY as well so she would be registered with them if she ever wanted to attend their summer programs. They invited her to join this online group, and it was an absolute godsend for her socially.

In high school she is doing better, there is a new girl in her class who started with them last year; she is very bright and has become a very close friend. D spends less time with her Cogito friends now, but still chats with them sometimes. That virtual community was one of the best things that ever happened to her, I think.

This is one of the reasons why DD10 is so against a full skip. She was lucky enough to find a best friend who is also quite bright and shares many of the same interests.

I worry that DD8 may never find a really close friend. She's a quirky, creative kid who is highly introverted and has a different way of looking at the world.

Herenow, I think what you did was great. As others have said, more than anything at that age I think you need to know you are accepted and loved by the people who care for you and to know that you can trust them to help you find your own way.

For what it's worth, I didn't find my own 'perfect' friend (who of course, is not actually perfect!) until I was in my late twenties. Unfortunately she lives in another state, but that's ok - I know she's there. It took a long while and part of being able to do so was knowing about giftedness and understanding that there wasn't something wrong with me (lol, I didn't have someone sit me down at 14 to explain it all to me).

I also think it's ok for us to be our children's friends to some extent, especially while we're the only ones who 'get' them. I don't mean that there is no discipline or adult authority, just that I think there has to be a level of openess that is perhaps unexpected.