You basically described my ex and to some degree her one boy. There is this apparent contrast between a big heart and a tendency toward hurtful comments. She is not diagnosed, but I feel it is definitely AS. The boy has been diagnosed with AS. Bittersweet is the best word I can use to describe it. They both have two completely different voices, a sweet one and the other one.
The comments are often right as you noted, but they are often more of a short term right answer than a long term right answer. Sometimes this is why the comments are so difficult to deal with. You know they are right, but not necessarily the way you would do things.
What I find is my ex seems to be very intuitive at a conscious level about good behavior. Her reactions however, tend to be rather unpleasant, condescending and even cruel at times. The attacks seem to be worse when she has done something wrong herself. She never admits the mistakes, but instead looks for faults in someone else. Sometimes the faults are so minor compared to what she had done.
One thing I have noticed is there is progress in behavior, but it seems to be happening at a snails pace. Our daughter has a little bit of this in her, but she is showing signs of this going away. I found with my DD, I could solve the behavior with a lot of work. Usually, I would focus most of my attention of one trait at a time. In some children, I have been able to work through this with maybe 20 hours work, but in my daughters case, it can take a 100. She does not however show anywhere near the extremes.
I had an interesting experience during the terrible 2s with my daughter. She seemed to be fighting me for control constantly. One day we watched the movie "The Pursuit of Happiness". After the movie, she commented about how bad it was they had to sleep in a bathroom. She also asked why the boy was not getting mad about this. I told her they had to help each other so they could live in a house. The next day and for quite some time, she starting cooperating to help me out. I was surprised she was able to pick this up from a movie at such a young age.
Just thought I would share my experience. A few others I know have also dealt with this. I definitely know what it is like to deal with the hurtful comments and try my best to realize it is not intentional. It is still so hard though. I am also the sensitive type.
Hoping to hear some other comments on how to deal with these issues.
