Dear Mama,

I'm so sorry for your father's death. Losing a parent is terribly difficult, no matter how old you are. My dad died five years ago, and I still miss him every day.

I think you know your child best, and whatever you think would be good will be so. I'll just tell you our experience, but not in any way to try to convince you; I really do think mother knows best on this one.

Harpo went to my mother-in-law's funeral when he was two, which was not a good experience for him at all (the dean came beetling over to him at the inurnment to show him in which drawer "Grandma would be residing," and to point out that there were many available nearby drawers for Frenchie and me and Harpo, too--I was very angry, and it took me a long time to get Harpo feeling right about things again).

Harpo and Groucho both went to my dad's funeral, at ages 4 and 2 respectively (well, Chico was there, too, but still in utero). The difference there was that I presided at the service, so I was in control of what was said, and if I do say so myself, it was a beautiful, personal service. That was a very positive experience for both of them, and they both felt more at peace with their Granddad's death than they had before the funeral. My sister did not bring my nieces, who are the same ages as my eldest two, and they were very bothered about his death for a long time, fussing a lot about him being cold or lonely, for instance. I don't know whether that was a function of personality or of not being at the funeral, though; also, my children are being raised in faith, while my sister's are not, so my dad's death undoubtedly felt more final to my nieces than to my sons.

My kids have since been to a few other funerals (one problem with having really old parents is that all the grandparents and aunts and uncles and so on are dying when the kids are still so young). They have not been bothered by any of the subsequent ones, but they were not specially close to any of the recently deceased relatives.

I don't know if this helps at all; do you have a pastor whom you could consult? Consult some folks, and trust your gut.

I'll be thinking of you.

peace be with you and yours--
minnie

ETA: I'd of course consult your husband and your mum, too, and maybe your siblings, if you have any--would your son have any little cousins there, too?

Last edited by minniemarx; 08/06/10 09:51 PM.