Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Is the wrong of me to do?

ColinsMum, I'm sorry your family went through such a tough time. So very happy to hear your DH made it through, though.

Tragically, my brother died after 3 years of cancer treatment that sometimes worked and ultimately didn't. His two sons were 4.75 and 3.0. The family discussed daddy's boo-boos all the time, and of course his death. Thankfully it was not sudden (like your brother's, Austin). As my DH put it, the boys were so young they didn't realize they were supposed to get a dad for the rest of their lives.

The day after my brother died, thinking I was helping, I said to his DS 4.75, "If you want to write a letter to your dad someday, he can read it in heaven." He responded, "They don't have mail in heaven." That really made me laugh, and of course I felt foolish. He went on to say his daddy didn't live in the house anymore, but was going to live in his heart and even ride in the car sometimes. That made us all laugh.

My DH, who studied children and grieving in grad school, remembered that when a parent dies at home and is taken away without children knowing about it, it can be traumatic. So my brother's wife woke up the boys to let them see my brother's body and say goodbye. The little one did not wake up. The older one came in, saw the body and said, "Oh. That's it?" and went back to bed. It was a big relief to us that the boys didn't freak out.

Because I've had plenty of cancer myself and I've seen my brother die and leave behind two small boys, we do take the opportunity to at least mention death as it happens.

We took DD 26 mos. to a funeral just yesterday, for an unexpected death. Normally DD cries when she sees other people crying. We told her ahead of time that people would be crying at the funeral, and she handled things fine.