Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Understanding friend with autism

There is a program at our school called Circle of Friends. They pair kids without disabilities with kids who do have disabilities so that the kids with disabilities have someone to have lunch with, to help them make friends, etc. They say it benefits both kids. That may very well be true; it sounds like it could be a very nice idea. On the other hand, if kids are truly interested in being friends with a child with a disability, why not just approach them and try to become friends? It may be very difficult for some kids to be able to make friends spontaneously, and I can see why giving other kids a chance to get to know them may be valuable. At the same time, there is just something that bothers me. I had a severe disability as a child and was ostracized by other children. I would have appreciated someone trying to be kind, but I just don't know that I would have liked feeling like I only had a friend because one was assigned to me. I think teachers can have an important role in promoting inclusion and acceptance.

In this particular case, if your child truly wants to be friends because he likes this child, then I think the best approach is just to try to get to know him and to ask him what he likes. If he isn't able to explain, then going to a parent may be helpful. I think the first step should be to try to talk with the child, though.

I think standing up for another child, NT or not, is a valuable part of being a friend. Including a friend and introducing that friend to others is also valuable. However, specifically setting out to advocate and to educate is a little different. It changes the dynamic of a friendship. I think the most valuable thing is to be a friend, but not to go beyond that unless it is clear that the individual with the disability really wants that. Otherwise, it could damage the friendship and create an inequality.

This is just my opinion; I think it always comes down to the individuals and what they are comfortable with. I have been the child who was misunderstood and ostracized, bullied even by the teachers, and that may give me a somewhat different perspective from others.