DD is 11. It does get better. Unlike when she was little, she can actually be more independent and she can come closer to accomplishing the things she sees in her head. She's also more emotionally mature about her intellect and being different. I recommend getting ready for advanced independence now.
Infancy was rough because she NEVER slept (not behavioral or deliberate but man it took years off our lives). 6-7 was REALLY BAD. 9-10 was also pretty rough. But looking back these times, it's clear to me now that part of the problem was an educational mismatch.
See, we're finally getting smarter about listening to her cues about what she needs academically. The more we can keep her brain busy, the less of a PITA she is. When there's something she doesn't want to do, because of either fear (perfectionism!) or boredom, she will try to get herself into trouble in order to not have to do it. This behavior seems to be at least partially subconscious. When she's forced to keep tight control over her natural inclinations all day in school (not speaking up, avoiding knowing the answers, forcing herself to do tedious busy work that she already knows) it will explode out of her when she's home. When she's desperately lonely because she just can't connect with her peers, she's whiny and clingy and demanding.
Not that she never deliberately misbehaves (she is a child after all and a master manipulator when she wants to be) but that more often the really bad, out of control stuff was because she was suffering in some way she couldn't articulate.
When her intellectual and social needs are met, she's just the sweetest little sarcastic anti-authoritarian you'll ever meet.
This winter has been hard (and her hormones don't help) -- so I went to her school and she'll be switching up some classes in the spring to be more interesting/challenging. I'm looking for some social connections for her as well. I hope this will help... at least for a while.
She was never an easy child and she probably never will be, but it has gotten easier (though it might be more us changing and not her).
